MISMATCHED MOTIVATIONS:
What to do when your sex drives are on opposite ends of the spectrum
By Mikayla
Over my past year and some odd months posting on the TooTimid discussion forum, one question has come up over and over again: What do I do if my partner’s sex drive is not as high as mine? In fact, a similar dilemma is what brought me to the forum in the first place. Yes, it is true, my hubby and I had a period where we just were NOT connecting sexually as much as I would have liked and I was concerned. Since then, we have resolved our issues through honest discussions and some sexual techniques and are now completely on the same page.
Over the same time period, I, along with other TooTimid posters, have helped to shed some light on this subject in an effort to help those who have asked, and those who do not ask, but want to know as well. If you think that your situation is helpless, let me assure you – it isn’t! There are many approaches to tackling this issue, and it is my pleasure to sum up some of the basics in an effort to help those of you who have come to this article for help. Let my experience, along with what I have learned from others, help you get your sex life back on track!
REASONS FOR THE RUT
Before you jump to the conclusion that your lack of sexual intimacy is due to your lover’s seeming disinterest in you, take a step back and do some evaluations regarding your overall situation. It is easy for people, especially women, to automatically assume that their lovers no longer find them attractive – or – that their lover is cheating on them. This is a valid choice, and probably should cross your mind. HOWEVER, the last thing you want to do with a relationship that is on shaky ground is to unjustly accuse your lover of foul play. So, step back….think, analyze and take a cold, hard look at everything – including what you might be doing that contributes to the disinterest.
The following are some possibilities for falling into a sexual rut. Keep in mind that these situations might apply to your situation, and they might not. If you feel that one of these issues is a possibility, then ask your lover about it. Honest DISCUSSION, not CONFRONTATION, is the best way to handle things.
~Additions to the family~
One of the biggest changes in a family or relationship dynamic is the addition of a child or children. EVERYTHING changes when little ones are added into the mix. There is more stress, less sleep, more monetary responsibility, less privacy, less time and most of all – a physical and hormonal change in the woman.
When a woman has a child, her priorities change drastically – and unfortunately, sex oftentimes falls to the way, way, way bottom of the list. While this does not hold true for all new Moms – some resume sexual intimacy as a way to relax and unwind after a day with the kids – it is more frequent for new Mommies to feel a bit uninterested in sex.
If your partner has just given birth – and you have dutifully waited the 6 weeks for her to be able to have sex again – keep in mind that both of your worlds have changed. She may or may not be interested in having sex, but I guarantee, it is NOT on the forefront of her mind. Approach her delicately about it – ask her if she is ready to get intimate again. If she says “no,” then give her a little more time.
There are ways for you to help your partner get back into the swing of things. Help her with the kids, the housework, make dinner. Offer to watch the children while she bathes or takes a walk. Give her time for herself. Many women get deterred from sex after childbearing because they feel torn in too many directions – kids, work, housework, dinner, dishes – and then you want sex. They have no “me” time – and if they did, they would be more receptive to sex.
You can wait until your children are tucked in their beds and then offer her a massage – no pressure – just a wind down. Run her a bath with some KAMA SUTRA SUTRA TREASURES OF THE SEA bath salts, followed by a massage with a premium massage oil, such as KHEPRA MASSAGE OIL. The odds of her feeling more romantic after a relaxing bath and massage are much higher than if you try to attack her after she spends the day and night taking care of the kids.
Women are not the only ones who go through changes after children come into the picture. Men also have an increased stress level – perhaps a greater feeling of “providing” for the family. Men have more responsibility than they did before children, and this increases their stress level. Also, some men have issues seeing their partner as a “sexual being” after watching her give birth, or mother a child. The once sexual spots are now “baby making” organs.
IF this is the situation in your relationship, then both of you have parts to play. The woman has to ensure her partner that she is still a sexual person. That she can be MOTHER and LOVER at the same time. Initiate sex with your partner ladies, let him know that you want and desire him. Make time for him, assure him that you want him, get him looking at you in a sexual way again. Basically, seduce him ladies.
Guys, if this is you – do not worry about disgracing the mother of your children. She can be the same caliber of lover that she was before she gave birth. Do not have concerns about her vagina not being the same – the vagina is a wonderful organ – it stretches back to the before baby state – and you will never know the difference. You will not hurt your lover, and she has enough love for you and the baby.
~Body Image~
Along the same lines, a woman’s sexuality is directly tied to her self image. If she has just had a baby, or perhaps she is just getting a little older, the chance of her having a little extra something on her tummy, hips or thighs can really be a sexual downer for her. Even if you do not notice the extra 10 pounds, she DOES.
While adding extra weight does not always mean that she will become asexual – most women can not separate their body image from their sexuality. Stretch marks or C-Section scars can really weigh heavily on our minds – and we are SURE that you are totally disgusted by our new body. So, what can you do to assure your partner that she is still super sexy? TELL HER! Tell her that her extra cleavage or bigger bottom turn you on! Kiss her, caress her, romance her. If she thinks that you find her sexy, she will feel sexier as well.
Also, if she asks you to “honestly” tell her if she has gained weight – let me tell you from a woman’s point of view – do NOT answer her. This is a trap guys! If you say “yes,” then she has it in her mind that you know she is FAT; and if you say “no” she will think you are avoiding the question, and your reluctance to answer is just a cover. The best answer is, “I think you are more beautiful now than you were before (baby or aging) and I love YOU no matter what!” – or something similar.
The same solutions offered in the family addition category hold true here. Seduce her, romance her, massage her – show her you LOVE her and her body no matter what. When she sees that you are still aroused by her, then she will begin to have better self-image. Truthfully, no one can really give your partner a better self image but herself. It has to come from within, just try to encourage it.
OF course, men can have negative body images as well. Women are not the only ones who gain weight. Men also have the added curse of loosing their hair! If your man is going through a crisis of hair loss or weight gain – do the same for him as you would like done for you! Let him know how sexy you find him; assure him that you are still attracted to him. Take the initiative when it comes to sex – do not wait for him, attack him and get HIM into the mood. Soon, he will forget about the beer belly and you both will be on the road to the reconnect.
~Stress, Stress, Stress….~
Stress is the surest killer of a sexual relationship – but it doesn’t have to be. Stress can affect both partners, or only one partner, but believe you me, if it affects one partner, the other feels it too. Common stressors in a relationship are money issues, new job, school stress, adding children even pets. Sometimes people find certain things more stressful than others would.
Men are especially sensitive to stress. When a man feels that he is under pressure – he can have erectile issues. A man’s sexuality is directly tied to his self image as well – and if he feels that he is not properly providing for his family, that can affect how his erection performs.
So, how do you control something that is most likely out of your control? You use SEX as a STRESS RELIEVER! Yes, it is true, and the thinking seems a bit illogical, but sex releases hormones and chemicals that naturally relax the body. In essence, sex is a natural valium pill.
You may be asking, how do I get into sex if I feel too stressed out to do it? Simple, you put it in your mind that it will help, and you do it. Start with a nice shower together, just relaxing and basking in each other’s body and comfort. Wash each other’s hair, body and genitals. Get out and retreat to the bedroom. Light candles, play music, sit naked and just enjoy each other. When you feel relaxed – then start the intimate touching and proceed to sex. This is a whole seduction and relaxation situation.
This is exactly how my hubby and I reconnected. After starting a new, high responsibility and high stress job – he felt too wound up to have sex. When he explained that this was his problem, I knew what to do. I would pour him a drink when he got home. After dinner, and when our son was asleep, I would usher him into the shower and just give him a nice water massage. He protested at first, saying “honey, I am too stressed for sex.” I assured him that I was just relaxing him. After the shower, a nice massage and some kissing he was READY, WILLING and ABLE to perform. When finished, we cuddled and he fell asleep. He told me the next night that it was EXACTLY what he needed.
So, whether it is one or both of you who is stressed, getting together in relaxing and pseudo-sexual situations can help to reconnect you and get you back into the intimate thinking. Remember also that sometimes life will be too stressful for you to relax this way. There is no need to force it, but do not let it go too far before addressing the matter.
~Medicinal Mayhem~
It is no secret that many medications designed to treat depression and anxiety can actually KILL Libido in one, foul swoop. It is ironic that a medication meant to help a person’s overall health and well-being can actually prevent something as healthy as sex from occurring.
This has been a common denominator on the forums when women admit that their sex drives have become lower. The medications drain the sexual urge – and as a result, depression occurs on that account. Birth control pills, ironically, can also be a factor. Whenever hormones are adjusted or tampered with, the sex drive can be affected. For men, the common culprit has been blood pressure medications. These medications help to reduce blood pressure, and the pressure of the blood into the penis is what causes and erection – ergo, erections can suffer or cease on certain medications.
So, what do you do when a medication is draining your urge to have sex? TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! Oftentimes there are other options for the medication that you are on. Specifically, the psychotropic drugs can be replaced with another option. Blood pressure medications may not be as easy to switch out, but natural remedies to help with blood pressure issues can help.
So, if you have noticed a decrease in libido, don’t avoid sex, have a discussion with your lover and your doctor. Let both of them know what is going on. There are many more options now, and your sex life does not have to suffer!
~Aging~
It is a common fact that a woman’s sex drive peaks in her 30’s and 40’s, while a man peaks at around 18. This is a cruel joke of nature. While not true for all men, many men enjoy sex more and more each year, it should be considered if you are finding a mismatch in sexual urges.
Frequently as well as we age our bodies change and our attitude toward sex changes too. We become busy with kids, grand kids, retirement. Sex is no longer on the forefront of our minds. This is just not the way to be. If you still have a high sex drive, but your lover doesn’t, try to find out why.
Unfortunately, for many men, as aging begins things do not work as quickly or as well as they did in their 20’s. Erections may take longer to achieve, and not stay as hard as they once did. This can be embarrassing for the man, and cause many internal doubts in the mind of the woman. There are many medications now that can help a man along with this kind of issue. Viagra®, Cialis® are just two medications that are showing great success with erectile dysfunction.
If you prefer to take a more natural approach, there are options for both men and women. For men, PENIS PUMPS, MALE ENHANCEMENT CREAMS, OR FIRMNESS CREAMS can be extremely helpful in these situations. While these products can not help every man, they have been found to be very helpful in a majority of cases.
For women, the problem can often be a desensitization of her clitoris. This can happen for many reasons, and the cause is not exactly known. Some women find it helpful to use a CLITORAL CREAM, such as VIVA CREAM FOR WOMEN. These creams work by naturally stimulating blood flow to the clitoris, and hence increases arousal. This is sometimes a very simple answer to a common problem. OR, just using a sex toy, such as a BULLET to directly stimulate the clitoris before or during sex can really help with this type of issue.
THE UGLY TRUTH
While there are many, many reasons for a mismatched sex drive, there are other possibilities that may not be as easy to hear or to realize. Sometimes couples who have been together for a while let themselves go due to the comfortable nature of their relationships. Perhaps they have gained weight, stopped putting on make-up or getting their hair done, or even stopped caring generally about their appearance.
People become attracted to each other for a reason, and while the concept of “love knows no bounds” is a great sentiment, the truth is, if you fell in love with a 120 pound girl or guy who is now tipping the scales at 300 – there can be some understandable change in attraction. You probably still LOVE your partner, but the attraction is not there.
While I am NOT saying that only skinny people are attractive – God knows I have gained more pounds than I have lost in the last 5 years – understanding why your mate might not be as attracted to you as they were before you gained the weight is something you might have to come to terms with. Men or women who are overweight do not have to run to the stomach stapler to get thin – but what they should do is continue to have pride in their appearance. Dress well, get manicures and pedicure, keep your hair done. It is a positive SELF IMAGE that not only helps YOU but also relays a message to your partner.
This issue can really affect both partners. Believe you me, overweight people know that they are overweight – and they do not like it. They have a range of feelings that oftentimes does not include a feeling of sexiness. It is important to NOT get down on yourself when this happens. Play up the positives, remember what your partner loved about you before you gained weight, make a decision to try and get healthier – not SKINNER – but healthier.
If your partner is just not into your sexual appearance at the moment, try to change their view of you. Play up your assets, use what you have, seduce them. IF they turn you down, then either come to grips with it and try to change what you don’t like, or kick them to the curb. Putting more pressure on you will not make things better.
It is a medical fact that being overweight is mentally and physically exhausting. While conversely, exercise produces a natural high that closely resembles and aphrodisiac. Ergo, getting moving makes you horny! That is a double bonus, you are doing something great for YOU while also increasing your sexual libido. So, GET MOVING!!!
~Cheating hearts~
As I said in the beginning of this article, sometimes cheating happens and this IS the reason why your lover is straying from your bed. It is important to remember that if your lover cheats, it is NOT your fault – no matter what they tell you. It is THEIR decision to leave the relationship.
It is also important to remember NOT to accuse your lover of cheating unless you are fairly certain. Although, if you have a strong suspicion, trying to confirm is the best way to protect yourself and your health. The last thing you want is to get an STD from your cheating partner.
If you have confirmed that your partner is cheating, you have a decision to make. To stay, or to go. If you stay, the trust is most likely ruined forever and it might be hard to rebuild. Getting couple’s counseling to discern the reason for the cheating and to help the communication is the best course of action. IF you go, remember why you chose to leave the relationship and have no regrets or blame for doing so.
Cheating is not as common as most people believe. However, in today’s world many people view certain activities as cheating – such as internet relationships, viewing porn online, or just consorting with a new person in an asexual manner. It is up to each person individually to discern what they feel is a breach of their relationship.
MENDING MATTERS
This article is meant to touch on some of the most common reasons for sexual mismatch. The suggestions given her are a small sampling of things that can be done to smooth the way to a better sexual relationship. If you would like other suggestions, peruse our DISCUSSION FORUM and see what others who have been there say helped their situation.
The most important thing to remember is to DISCUSS your feelings – in a non-confrontational manner. Understand your partner and what they may be going through internally, or externally. Think about what medicines may be interfering with the natural sexual experiences you once shared. Remember that aging happens, but it is NOT the death of sex. The main point is, if you want to get back on track with your lover, you will find a way. Sometimes relationships can’t be saved, and this is unfortunate but a fact of life. Try to remember what caused you to fall in love or lust with your partner in the first place and revisit those emotions.
Summary : Guess this is a common situation with most couples esp after 7 years of marriage or more. If can last more than 10 years...then, sex in itself is not so important.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Boy....thanks to my honey!
Yes! thanks to my honey...I managed to get into my blog after a couple of months.
Been trying to log-in...but without any luck.
Yes! things are hopeful better this year as compared to last year. So far...for luck
that is not happening yet. Kena whacked....during the last 3 week for stock market.
Well...now I am mostly out of it. Waiting for a bigger fall before I get in again.
Btw...Good luck for all and be happy too.
Been trying to log-in...but without any luck.
Yes! things are hopeful better this year as compared to last year. So far...for luck
that is not happening yet. Kena whacked....during the last 3 week for stock market.
Well...now I am mostly out of it. Waiting for a bigger fall before I get in again.
Btw...Good luck for all and be happy too.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Coming to an end for the Year of the Dog and the start for the Year of the PIG.
Yes! about time to spend some quiet moment to self-reflect what has happen and where I am going with the change that is coming up soon. One thing that I have started to feel is that there is a sense of better luck in this coming year of the PIG....of
HOPE for a more prosperous year than before. In turn...this too makes me wanting to go fore.
Only time will tell if I am RIGHT....or not about my "HOPE".
HOPE for a more prosperous year than before. In turn...this too makes me wanting to go fore.
Only time will tell if I am RIGHT....or not about my "HOPE".
MAN : THE RAINBOW by Osho
Man is a rainbow, all the seven colors together. That is his beauty and that is his problem too. Man is multi-faceted, multi-dimensional. His being is not simple, it is a great complexity. And out of that complexity is born the harmony we call God: the divine melody.
Man is a bridge between the animal and the divine. The animals are tremendously happy -- of course not aware, not CONSCIOUSLY happy, but tremendously happy, unworried, non-neurotic. God is tremendously happy and conscious. Man is just in between the two, in limbo, always wavering -- to be or not to be?
Man is a rainbow, I say, because a rainbow will give you the total perspective in which man can be understood -- from the lowest to the highest. The rainbow has seven colors, man has seven centers of his being. The allegory of the seven is very ancient. In India, the allegory has taken the form of seven chakras: the lowest is MULADHAR and the highest is SAHASRAR and between these two are five steps, five more chakras. And man has to pass through all these seven chakras -- seven steps towards the divine.
"Remember, seven is a very significant number.
To be more modern and contemporary, I would like to divide these seven centers in this way. The first I call NO-MIND. `No-mind' means mind is fast asleep -- MULADHAR. it is there, but so fast asleep that you cannot even detect it. In the rock, God is fast asleep. In the man he has become a little alert -- just a LITTLE alert, not very much. In the rock he is fast asleep, snoring. If you listen closely you will hear the snoring... God snoring. That's why rocks are so beautiful -- so deeply silent, no turmoil, no anxiety, nowhere to go. This I call no-mind. I don't mean by `no-mind' that they have NO mind; I simply mean the mind has not manifested yet. The mind is waiting in seed, the mind is getting ready to awake, the mind is preparing, the mind is resting. Sooner or later there will be the morning and the rock will become a bird and will start flying, or will become a tree and will start blossoming.
The second state I call UNCONSCIOUS MIND. In the trees, the mind is there -- not like the rock, God has become a little different from the rock. Not conscious, UNconscious. Trees feel -- they cannot feel that they feel, but they feel. Listen to the difference. If you hit a tree she feels it, but she cannot feel that she feels it. That much awareness has not happened. Feeling has come in, the tree is sensitive. And now there are modern experiments proving it, that trees are tremendously sensitive.
This I call unconscious mind. Mind is there... almost like one is asleep. In the morning one remembers that it was a beautiful night and "I slept deeply, the sleep was very profound." But you remember in the morning, not when the actual sleep is happening; you remember later on, retrospectively. Mind was there in sleep, but was not functioning at that moment; it only functions retrospectively, later on. In the morning you remember -- a beautiful night, such a soothing and satiny night, such deep silence and such happiness -- but you recognize it in the morning.
The third state is SUBCONSCIOUS mind. Subconscious mind is in the birds, animals. It is like dreaming. In a dream you become a little more conscious than you become conscious in your sleep. Let us say the rocks are in a coma; in the morning they will not even be able to remember how profound was the sleep -- it is a coma. The trees are in a sleep; when they awake, they will remember. The birds and the animals are dreaming -- they are very close to humanity. I call this subconscious mind.
The fourth I call CONSCIOUS MIND. That's where man is. Not very conscious; just a flicker, just a small wave of consciousness -- and that too happens only when you are in tremendous danger, otherwise not. If somebody suddenly comes and is ready to kill you with a dagger, you will become conscious. In that moment there will be tremendous awareness, intelligence, radiance. Thinking will stop. You will become a flame. Only in rare moments do you really become conscious; otherwise, you move almost like a somnambulist. I have heard...
In 1959, two drunkards in the French town of Vienne opened what they thought was a door to the street. Actually it was the window of a room four storeys up. With a gay song on their lips they marched out, arm in arm over the sill to the street below. A beat policeman, hearing the thuds and rushing to help, was dumbfounded to watch them careering away, still singing and obviously in tip-top condition. "We missed our step," they explained.
They were not aware at all. Had they been aware, they might have died. They were not aware; they simply thought they had missed a step. Four storeys!
And this is your situation too. Your whole life is almost that of a drunkard. You go on stumbling here and there, missing one step here, another step there. Your whole life is nothing but misery upon misery, stumbling, bumping into each other. You may call it love, but what it comes to is just bumping into each other. It creates misery.
Only consciousness can give ecstasy. Ecstasy is the shadow of consciousness. This is the fourth stage in which ordinarily human beings live and die. This is a sheer wastage. Rocks can be forgiven and trees can be forgiven and birds can be forgiven, but not man -- because you have the first glimpse: now it is your responsibility to grow it, to make it more solid, to make it stronger. You cannot say to a rock: "You missed," but you can say to a man: "You missed."
Man is the only responsible animal -- he can be asked, he will have to answer: that is the meaning of responsibility. One day or other, he will have to answer to God or to the center of this existence or to existence itself: "How did you miss? You were given the rudimentary beginning, you could have grown it. You were given the seed, you could have blossomed. Why did you miss?"
That's the anxiety of man, the agony, the trembling, the anguish -- because man is the only animal in this world who can become ecstatic, who can achieve to conscious blissfulness, who can become SATCHITANAND: who can become truth, consciousness, being, who can become bliss, who can come to the ultimate.
The fifth I call SUBSUPERCONSCIOUS MIND. At the fourth stage -- the conscious mind -- your consciousness is just a very flickering thing, very momentary, with no stability, comes and goes, and is beyond your power; you cannot recall it when it is needed. All religions exist between conscious mind and superconscious mind. All techniques of yoga, all techniques as such, are nothing but to transform your consciousness into superconsciousness. Gurdjieff calls it self-remembering. Kabir calls it SURATI YOGA -- `surati' also means remembering. Jesus says again and again: Be aware! Be awake! Watch! Buddha says: Be alert. Krishnamurti goes on talking about awareness; for forty years he has been talking about only one thing, and that is awareness. One word is the whole message: that word is the bridge between conscious mind and superconscious mind.
When your consciousness has become a stable factor in you, an integrated factor in you, a crystallized factor in you, and you can depend on it.... Right now, you cannot depend on it. You are going along, very conscious, and somebody hits you -- immediately the consciousness is gone; it is not dependable. Somebody says a simple word, somebody says to you, "Are you an idiot?" -- and consciousness is gone. Just the word "idiot" and your eyes are bloodshot, and you are ready to be killed or to kill.
Even people who seem to be very very alert and aware may be just alert and aware because they have escaped the situations. Their alertness is not real. You can go to the Himalayas, you can sit in a cave -- nobody will come to call you an idiot. Who will take such a bother to come to the Himalayan cave to call you an idiot? Of course you will not get angry. Your state of awareness in a Himalayan cave is not worth much, because there is no test for it, no possibility to destroy it. Hence, Kabir says: Be in the world. Don't be of the world, but be in the world, live in the world. Live in the ordinary situations where everything provokes you to be unconscious and everybody helps you to be conscious.
If you understand it, the world is a great device of God to make you more conscious. Your enemy is your friend, and the curses are blessings, and the misfortunes can be turned into fortunes. It depends only on one thing: if you know the key of awareness. Then you can turn everything into gold. When somebody insults, that is the moment to keep alert. When your wife looks at somebody else and you feel hurt, that is the moment to keep alert. When you are feeling sad, gloomy, depressed, when you feel the whole world is against you, that is the moment to be alert. When you are surrounded by a dark night, that is the moment to keep your light burning. And all these situations will prove helpful -- they are meant for it.
From conscious mind to superconscious mind is all yoga, meditation, prayer, awareness. Subsuperconscious mind is an integrated phenomenon, but you will still lose it sometimes. Not ordinarily when you are wakeful, but when you go to sleep you may lose it. Subsuperconscious mind will help you while you are wakeful, and sometimes even in dreams you may remember -- but not in deep sleep. When Krishna says in the Gita, "The yogi is awake even when the whole world sleeps," he is indicating towards a higher state which I call the sixth -- SUPERCONSCIOUS MIND. Then one remains alert even while asleep; deep asleep, but awareness remains there. This is the sixth. And out of this sixth, the seventh grows spontaneously -- you have not to do anything for it.
That seventh I again call NO-MIND, to make the circle complete. The first is the no-mind of a rock and the last is the no-mind of a god. To show this unity, we have sculptured gods in stone. To show this unity, this circle complete, we have made stone statues of God to show that stone is the first and God is the last and both meet somewhere. Again, no-mind -- call it soul, God, enlightenment, nirvana, salvation, or whatsoever you choose to call it.
These are the seven stages. And this is the rainbow a man is. One thing more, then we enter into the sutras, and that is: not a single color has to be denied. All the colors have to be absorbed in the rainbow, and all the notes of music, all the seven notes of music, have to become part of the melody, and all these seven chakras from MULADHAR to SAHASRAR, they have to become a unity. It is not that you have to deny some chakras, because that denied chakra will not allow you ever to become whole -- and one who is not whole can never be holy. They all have to form a hierarchy, a unity; they all have to belong to one center.
A real man of religion lives the whole rainbow, from the rock to God -- from no-mind on this end to the no-mind on the other end. He is the whole spectrum. He lives life totally. Nothing is denied, everything is used. Nothing is denied at all; if something feels like a jarring note, that simply means you have not yet been able to utilize it. It can be used, the poison can become medicinal -- you have to know how to transform it. And sometimes the nectar can be poisonous if you don't know how to use it.
If you know how to use anger, you will see anger gives you a sharpness of being -- just as if somebody has sharpened a sword. Anger rightly used gives you a sharpness, a radiance, a tremendous vitality. Sex rightly used makes you so full of love that you can go on sharing with all and sundry and it is never exhausted. Sex rightly used gives a rebirth to yourself. Ordinarily, it reproduces children; extraordinarily, it reproduces your innermost being.
Everything that you have has to fall into a unity.
Once a very rich man asked Pablo Picasso to make a portrait of him, and as Picasso was well-known he demanded a very fantastic price for it -- millions of dollars. The rich man said, "That's okay, you just do the portrait."
The portrait was finished. Came the rich man. He was not satisfied; he said, "For that much money... and what have you done? Just an ordinary canvas and a few colors."
Picasso said, "Just a few colors and an ordinary canvas? Wait." He went into his studio, brought a big canvas and many tubes of colors and brushes and gave them to him and said, "You can make your portrait yourself. And I will not charge for it at all. You can take these colors, these brushes and this canvas as a gift from me."
Then the rich man understood. It is not the colors, it is the combination. It is not the canvas, it is not the brush, it is the artist behind it -- one who has combined all together and has created a new unity which never existed before. Those colors were separate, that canvas was just dead. Now it has become alive; now it speaks a language, sings a song. It is not just colors -- a greater harmony has descended in those colors, a music has arisen out of them.
Let me tell you that whatsoever you have, all has to be used -- nothing is useless. Never throw anything away, otherwise you will repent one day. All has to be used. Just become more insightful, more mindful, become more aware, and start looking into things of your inner being and how to bring them to a higher harmony -- that's all. Right now you ar a crowd. Right now you are not an individual. You are not a rainbow -- all the colors are falling in separate dimensions, moving away from each other; they don't have a center. Right now you are a noise, not music -- but remember, in the noise all the notes are present. Rearranged, arranged in a better, aesthetic, artistic way, they will become beautiful music. All that is needed is a deep aesthetic look into your being
Review - This is going to take time to understand, very cheem.
Man is a bridge between the animal and the divine. The animals are tremendously happy -- of course not aware, not CONSCIOUSLY happy, but tremendously happy, unworried, non-neurotic. God is tremendously happy and conscious. Man is just in between the two, in limbo, always wavering -- to be or not to be?
Man is a rainbow, I say, because a rainbow will give you the total perspective in which man can be understood -- from the lowest to the highest. The rainbow has seven colors, man has seven centers of his being. The allegory of the seven is very ancient. In India, the allegory has taken the form of seven chakras: the lowest is MULADHAR and the highest is SAHASRAR and between these two are five steps, five more chakras. And man has to pass through all these seven chakras -- seven steps towards the divine.
"Remember, seven is a very significant number.
To be more modern and contemporary, I would like to divide these seven centers in this way. The first I call NO-MIND. `No-mind' means mind is fast asleep -- MULADHAR. it is there, but so fast asleep that you cannot even detect it. In the rock, God is fast asleep. In the man he has become a little alert -- just a LITTLE alert, not very much. In the rock he is fast asleep, snoring. If you listen closely you will hear the snoring... God snoring. That's why rocks are so beautiful -- so deeply silent, no turmoil, no anxiety, nowhere to go. This I call no-mind. I don't mean by `no-mind' that they have NO mind; I simply mean the mind has not manifested yet. The mind is waiting in seed, the mind is getting ready to awake, the mind is preparing, the mind is resting. Sooner or later there will be the morning and the rock will become a bird and will start flying, or will become a tree and will start blossoming.
The second state I call UNCONSCIOUS MIND. In the trees, the mind is there -- not like the rock, God has become a little different from the rock. Not conscious, UNconscious. Trees feel -- they cannot feel that they feel, but they feel. Listen to the difference. If you hit a tree she feels it, but she cannot feel that she feels it. That much awareness has not happened. Feeling has come in, the tree is sensitive. And now there are modern experiments proving it, that trees are tremendously sensitive.
This I call unconscious mind. Mind is there... almost like one is asleep. In the morning one remembers that it was a beautiful night and "I slept deeply, the sleep was very profound." But you remember in the morning, not when the actual sleep is happening; you remember later on, retrospectively. Mind was there in sleep, but was not functioning at that moment; it only functions retrospectively, later on. In the morning you remember -- a beautiful night, such a soothing and satiny night, such deep silence and such happiness -- but you recognize it in the morning.
The third state is SUBCONSCIOUS mind. Subconscious mind is in the birds, animals. It is like dreaming. In a dream you become a little more conscious than you become conscious in your sleep. Let us say the rocks are in a coma; in the morning they will not even be able to remember how profound was the sleep -- it is a coma. The trees are in a sleep; when they awake, they will remember. The birds and the animals are dreaming -- they are very close to humanity. I call this subconscious mind.
The fourth I call CONSCIOUS MIND. That's where man is. Not very conscious; just a flicker, just a small wave of consciousness -- and that too happens only when you are in tremendous danger, otherwise not. If somebody suddenly comes and is ready to kill you with a dagger, you will become conscious. In that moment there will be tremendous awareness, intelligence, radiance. Thinking will stop. You will become a flame. Only in rare moments do you really become conscious; otherwise, you move almost like a somnambulist. I have heard...
In 1959, two drunkards in the French town of Vienne opened what they thought was a door to the street. Actually it was the window of a room four storeys up. With a gay song on their lips they marched out, arm in arm over the sill to the street below. A beat policeman, hearing the thuds and rushing to help, was dumbfounded to watch them careering away, still singing and obviously in tip-top condition. "We missed our step," they explained.
They were not aware at all. Had they been aware, they might have died. They were not aware; they simply thought they had missed a step. Four storeys!
And this is your situation too. Your whole life is almost that of a drunkard. You go on stumbling here and there, missing one step here, another step there. Your whole life is nothing but misery upon misery, stumbling, bumping into each other. You may call it love, but what it comes to is just bumping into each other. It creates misery.
Only consciousness can give ecstasy. Ecstasy is the shadow of consciousness. This is the fourth stage in which ordinarily human beings live and die. This is a sheer wastage. Rocks can be forgiven and trees can be forgiven and birds can be forgiven, but not man -- because you have the first glimpse: now it is your responsibility to grow it, to make it more solid, to make it stronger. You cannot say to a rock: "You missed," but you can say to a man: "You missed."
Man is the only responsible animal -- he can be asked, he will have to answer: that is the meaning of responsibility. One day or other, he will have to answer to God or to the center of this existence or to existence itself: "How did you miss? You were given the rudimentary beginning, you could have grown it. You were given the seed, you could have blossomed. Why did you miss?"
That's the anxiety of man, the agony, the trembling, the anguish -- because man is the only animal in this world who can become ecstatic, who can achieve to conscious blissfulness, who can become SATCHITANAND: who can become truth, consciousness, being, who can become bliss, who can come to the ultimate.
The fifth I call SUBSUPERCONSCIOUS MIND. At the fourth stage -- the conscious mind -- your consciousness is just a very flickering thing, very momentary, with no stability, comes and goes, and is beyond your power; you cannot recall it when it is needed. All religions exist between conscious mind and superconscious mind. All techniques of yoga, all techniques as such, are nothing but to transform your consciousness into superconsciousness. Gurdjieff calls it self-remembering. Kabir calls it SURATI YOGA -- `surati' also means remembering. Jesus says again and again: Be aware! Be awake! Watch! Buddha says: Be alert. Krishnamurti goes on talking about awareness; for forty years he has been talking about only one thing, and that is awareness. One word is the whole message: that word is the bridge between conscious mind and superconscious mind.
When your consciousness has become a stable factor in you, an integrated factor in you, a crystallized factor in you, and you can depend on it.... Right now, you cannot depend on it. You are going along, very conscious, and somebody hits you -- immediately the consciousness is gone; it is not dependable. Somebody says a simple word, somebody says to you, "Are you an idiot?" -- and consciousness is gone. Just the word "idiot" and your eyes are bloodshot, and you are ready to be killed or to kill.
Even people who seem to be very very alert and aware may be just alert and aware because they have escaped the situations. Their alertness is not real. You can go to the Himalayas, you can sit in a cave -- nobody will come to call you an idiot. Who will take such a bother to come to the Himalayan cave to call you an idiot? Of course you will not get angry. Your state of awareness in a Himalayan cave is not worth much, because there is no test for it, no possibility to destroy it. Hence, Kabir says: Be in the world. Don't be of the world, but be in the world, live in the world. Live in the ordinary situations where everything provokes you to be unconscious and everybody helps you to be conscious.
If you understand it, the world is a great device of God to make you more conscious. Your enemy is your friend, and the curses are blessings, and the misfortunes can be turned into fortunes. It depends only on one thing: if you know the key of awareness. Then you can turn everything into gold. When somebody insults, that is the moment to keep alert. When your wife looks at somebody else and you feel hurt, that is the moment to keep alert. When you are feeling sad, gloomy, depressed, when you feel the whole world is against you, that is the moment to be alert. When you are surrounded by a dark night, that is the moment to keep your light burning. And all these situations will prove helpful -- they are meant for it.
From conscious mind to superconscious mind is all yoga, meditation, prayer, awareness. Subsuperconscious mind is an integrated phenomenon, but you will still lose it sometimes. Not ordinarily when you are wakeful, but when you go to sleep you may lose it. Subsuperconscious mind will help you while you are wakeful, and sometimes even in dreams you may remember -- but not in deep sleep. When Krishna says in the Gita, "The yogi is awake even when the whole world sleeps," he is indicating towards a higher state which I call the sixth -- SUPERCONSCIOUS MIND. Then one remains alert even while asleep; deep asleep, but awareness remains there. This is the sixth. And out of this sixth, the seventh grows spontaneously -- you have not to do anything for it.
That seventh I again call NO-MIND, to make the circle complete. The first is the no-mind of a rock and the last is the no-mind of a god. To show this unity, we have sculptured gods in stone. To show this unity, this circle complete, we have made stone statues of God to show that stone is the first and God is the last and both meet somewhere. Again, no-mind -- call it soul, God, enlightenment, nirvana, salvation, or whatsoever you choose to call it.
These are the seven stages. And this is the rainbow a man is. One thing more, then we enter into the sutras, and that is: not a single color has to be denied. All the colors have to be absorbed in the rainbow, and all the notes of music, all the seven notes of music, have to become part of the melody, and all these seven chakras from MULADHAR to SAHASRAR, they have to become a unity. It is not that you have to deny some chakras, because that denied chakra will not allow you ever to become whole -- and one who is not whole can never be holy. They all have to form a hierarchy, a unity; they all have to belong to one center.
A real man of religion lives the whole rainbow, from the rock to God -- from no-mind on this end to the no-mind on the other end. He is the whole spectrum. He lives life totally. Nothing is denied, everything is used. Nothing is denied at all; if something feels like a jarring note, that simply means you have not yet been able to utilize it. It can be used, the poison can become medicinal -- you have to know how to transform it. And sometimes the nectar can be poisonous if you don't know how to use it.
If you know how to use anger, you will see anger gives you a sharpness of being -- just as if somebody has sharpened a sword. Anger rightly used gives you a sharpness, a radiance, a tremendous vitality. Sex rightly used makes you so full of love that you can go on sharing with all and sundry and it is never exhausted. Sex rightly used gives a rebirth to yourself. Ordinarily, it reproduces children; extraordinarily, it reproduces your innermost being.
Everything that you have has to fall into a unity.
Once a very rich man asked Pablo Picasso to make a portrait of him, and as Picasso was well-known he demanded a very fantastic price for it -- millions of dollars. The rich man said, "That's okay, you just do the portrait."
The portrait was finished. Came the rich man. He was not satisfied; he said, "For that much money... and what have you done? Just an ordinary canvas and a few colors."
Picasso said, "Just a few colors and an ordinary canvas? Wait." He went into his studio, brought a big canvas and many tubes of colors and brushes and gave them to him and said, "You can make your portrait yourself. And I will not charge for it at all. You can take these colors, these brushes and this canvas as a gift from me."
Then the rich man understood. It is not the colors, it is the combination. It is not the canvas, it is not the brush, it is the artist behind it -- one who has combined all together and has created a new unity which never existed before. Those colors were separate, that canvas was just dead. Now it has become alive; now it speaks a language, sings a song. It is not just colors -- a greater harmony has descended in those colors, a music has arisen out of them.
Let me tell you that whatsoever you have, all has to be used -- nothing is useless. Never throw anything away, otherwise you will repent one day. All has to be used. Just become more insightful, more mindful, become more aware, and start looking into things of your inner being and how to bring them to a higher harmony -- that's all. Right now you ar a crowd. Right now you are not an individual. You are not a rainbow -- all the colors are falling in separate dimensions, moving away from each other; they don't have a center. Right now you are a noise, not music -- but remember, in the noise all the notes are present. Rearranged, arranged in a better, aesthetic, artistic way, they will become beautiful music. All that is needed is a deep aesthetic look into your being
Review - This is going to take time to understand, very cheem.
In search of God, I have found him. In the unmoving center of my own being, he is."
There have been very few people who have moved and transformed as many hearts as Jalaluddin Rumi.
In the world of the Sufis, Mevlana Rumi is the emperor. His words have to be understood not as mere words, but sources of deep silences, echoes of inner and the innermost songs. He is the greatest dancer the world has known. Twelve hundred years have passed since he was alive.
His dance is a special kind of dance. It is a kind of whirling, just the way small children whirl; standing on one spot they go on round and round. And perhaps everywhere in the world small children do that and their elders stop them saying, "You will become dizzy, you will fall, you will hurt yourself," and, "What is the point of doing it?"
Jalaluddin Rumi made a meditation of whirling. The meditator goes on whirling for hours -- as long as the body allows him; he does not stop on his own. When whirling a moment comes that he sees himself utterly still and silent, a center of the cyclone. Around the center the body is moving, but there is a space which remains unmoved; that is his being.
"Jalaluddin Rumi is one of the greatest Sufi mystics. He is the only mystic whom Sufis have called Mevlana. Mevlana means, our Beloved Master.
A few people I love immensely. Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi is one of them, and the reason I love him is that he was not life-negative, but life-affirmative. And the meditation that he has found and which has continued for seven hundred years among a small stream of mystics was the meditation of a certain kind of dance. His followers are called whirling sufis.
You must have seen small children -- they like to whirl; and everybody stops them, because the fear of the parents is that the child may fall, may have a fracture, may get hurt. But in spite of all prohibitions, children love to whirl. And nobody has inquired why children love, all over the world, irrespective of race, nation, religion, why children love to whirl.
Jalaluddin Rumi, seeing children whirl, thought that there must be something that the children feel but they cannot express, and perhaps they are not fully aware what it is. So he tried whirling himself, and he was amazed that if you go on whirling there comes a moment when the center of your being remains static and your whole body, mind, brain, everything, whirls.
And that center which does not whirl, is you, the center of the cyclone. The whirling is almost like a cyclone, but exactly in the middle of the cyclone you will find a point which has not moved at all. Every wheel needs a center on which to turn, and the center has to remain unturning. You see in bicycles, in bullock carts, wherever there is a wheel, there is something in the center which is unmoving.
Once Jalaluddin became aware that you can find the unmoving center of your being, he tried for thirty-six hours non-stop, without eating, without drinking -- he was determined to whirl to his absolute capacity, not to hold back anything... unless he falls, he is not going to stop. Thirty-six hours he whirled, a great crowd watched. The crowd went on changing; people had to go to eat and then they came again. People had to do their work and then they came again; thirty-six hours is a long period. And after thirty-six hours he fell down. And people heard a great laughter.
Jalaluddin was laughing loudly, and he said, "You think you have seen me falling, I have also seen myself falling. These thirty-six hours I have not moved a single inch. Now I don't have to go to Mecca in search of God, I have found him. In the unmoving center of my own being, he is."
The followers of Rumi don't have great scriptures, don't have any rituals, except whirling, and a few beautiful poems by Jalaluddin Rumi, which he used to sing after whirling and falling. He will get up and he will be so drunk -- in that drunkenness he will sing a song, and those songs have been collected. That is the only literature the followers of Rumi have."
Yes! sometime in order to understand why and what we are supposed to do with our times on this earth and why things happened, one has to look deep in oneself and that may takes times and solidity to seek out the truth or so-called truth. hahaha still may not be the right answer...and only time will tell.
In the world of the Sufis, Mevlana Rumi is the emperor. His words have to be understood not as mere words, but sources of deep silences, echoes of inner and the innermost songs. He is the greatest dancer the world has known. Twelve hundred years have passed since he was alive.
His dance is a special kind of dance. It is a kind of whirling, just the way small children whirl; standing on one spot they go on round and round. And perhaps everywhere in the world small children do that and their elders stop them saying, "You will become dizzy, you will fall, you will hurt yourself," and, "What is the point of doing it?"
Jalaluddin Rumi made a meditation of whirling. The meditator goes on whirling for hours -- as long as the body allows him; he does not stop on his own. When whirling a moment comes that he sees himself utterly still and silent, a center of the cyclone. Around the center the body is moving, but there is a space which remains unmoved; that is his being.
"Jalaluddin Rumi is one of the greatest Sufi mystics. He is the only mystic whom Sufis have called Mevlana. Mevlana means, our Beloved Master.
A few people I love immensely. Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi is one of them, and the reason I love him is that he was not life-negative, but life-affirmative. And the meditation that he has found and which has continued for seven hundred years among a small stream of mystics was the meditation of a certain kind of dance. His followers are called whirling sufis.
You must have seen small children -- they like to whirl; and everybody stops them, because the fear of the parents is that the child may fall, may have a fracture, may get hurt. But in spite of all prohibitions, children love to whirl. And nobody has inquired why children love, all over the world, irrespective of race, nation, religion, why children love to whirl.
Jalaluddin Rumi, seeing children whirl, thought that there must be something that the children feel but they cannot express, and perhaps they are not fully aware what it is. So he tried whirling himself, and he was amazed that if you go on whirling there comes a moment when the center of your being remains static and your whole body, mind, brain, everything, whirls.
And that center which does not whirl, is you, the center of the cyclone. The whirling is almost like a cyclone, but exactly in the middle of the cyclone you will find a point which has not moved at all. Every wheel needs a center on which to turn, and the center has to remain unturning. You see in bicycles, in bullock carts, wherever there is a wheel, there is something in the center which is unmoving.
Once Jalaluddin became aware that you can find the unmoving center of your being, he tried for thirty-six hours non-stop, without eating, without drinking -- he was determined to whirl to his absolute capacity, not to hold back anything... unless he falls, he is not going to stop. Thirty-six hours he whirled, a great crowd watched. The crowd went on changing; people had to go to eat and then they came again. People had to do their work and then they came again; thirty-six hours is a long period. And after thirty-six hours he fell down. And people heard a great laughter.
Jalaluddin was laughing loudly, and he said, "You think you have seen me falling, I have also seen myself falling. These thirty-six hours I have not moved a single inch. Now I don't have to go to Mecca in search of God, I have found him. In the unmoving center of my own being, he is."
The followers of Rumi don't have great scriptures, don't have any rituals, except whirling, and a few beautiful poems by Jalaluddin Rumi, which he used to sing after whirling and falling. He will get up and he will be so drunk -- in that drunkenness he will sing a song, and those songs have been collected. That is the only literature the followers of Rumi have."
Yes! sometime in order to understand why and what we are supposed to do with our times on this earth and why things happened, one has to look deep in oneself and that may takes times and solidity to seek out the truth or so-called truth. hahaha still may not be the right answer...and only time will tell.
Jealousy by Osho
Sex creates jealousy but it is a secondary thing. It is not a question of how to drop jealousy; because sex cannot be dropped. The question is how to transform sex into love, then jealousy disappears.
"I make more mention of anger, sex, and less of jealousy, because jealousy is not a primary thing. It is secondary, it is a secondary part of sex.
Whenever you have a sexual urge in your mind, a sexual happening in your being, whenever you feel sexually attracted and related to somebody, jealousy enters because you are not in love. If you are in love, jealousy never enters.
Try to understand the whole thing. Whenever you are sexually related you are afraid, because sex is really not a relationship, it is an exploitation. If you are attached to a woman or man sexually, you are always afraid that this woman may go to somebody else, this man may move to somebody else. There is no relationship really, it is just mutual exploitation. You are exploiting each other, but you don't love and you know it, so you are afraid.
This fear becomes jealousy so you may not allow things, you will guard; you will make every security arrangement so this man cannot look at another woman. Even looking will be a danger signal. This man should not talk to another woman because talking.... and you feel afraid he may leave. So you will close all the paths, all the ways of this man going to another woman, of this woman going to another man; you will close all the ways, all the doors.
But then a problem arises. When all the doors are closed, the man becomes dead, the woman becomes dead, a prisoner, a slave, and you cannot love a dead thing. You cannot love one who is not free because love is beautiful only when it is given freely, when it is not taken and demanded and forced.
First you make security arrangements, then the person becomes dead, becomes like an object. A beloved may be a person, a wife becomes an object; a beloved may be a person, a husband becomes an object to be guarded, possessed, controlled. But the more you control, the more you are killing, because freedom is lost. And the other person may be there for other reasons, but not for love, because how can you love a person who possesses you? He looks like an enemy.
Sex creates jealousy but it is a secondary thing. So it is not a question of how to drop jealousy; you cannot drop it because you cannot drop sex. The question is how to transform sex into love, then jealousy disappears.
If you love a person, the very love is enough guarantee, the very love is enough security. If you love a person, you know he cannot go to anybody else. And if he goes, he goes; nothing can be done. What can you do? You can kill the person, but a dead person will not be of much use.
When you love a person you trust that he cannot go to anybody. If he goes, there is no love and nothing can be done. Love brings this understanding. There is no jealousy.
So if jealousy is there, know well there is no love. You are playing a game, you are hiding sex behind love. Love is just a painted word, the reality is sex.
In India, because love is not allowed much, not allowed at all -- marriage is arranged -- tremendous jealousy exists. A husband is always afraid. He has never loved so he knows -- and the wife is always afraid because she has never loved, so she knows -- that this has been an arrangement. The parents arranged, astrologers arranged, society arranged; the wife and husband were never asked. In many cases they never knew each other, they had never seen each other. So fear exists. The wife is afraid, the husband is afraid, and both are spying on each other. The very possibility is lost.
How can love grow in fear? They can live together, but that living together is also not living together; they only tolerate together, they somehow carry on together. It is just utilitarian, and out of utility you may manage, but ecstasy is not possible. You cannot celebrate it, it cannot become festive; it will be a burdensome affair.
So a husband is dead before death, and a wife is dead before death. It is two dead persons taking revenge on each other, because each thinks that one has killed the other. Taking revenge, angry, jealous -- the whole thing becomes so ugly.
But in the West a different type of phenomenon is happening which is the same on the other extreme. They dropped arranged marriage and it is good, that institution is not worth keeping, but by dropping it, love has not arisen, only sex has become free. And when sex is free you are always afraid, because it is always a temporary arrangement. You are with this girl tonight, tomorrow she will be with somebody else, and yesterday she was with somebody else. Yesterday the girl was with somebody else, tomorrow she will again be with somebody else; only tonight she is with you.
How can this be very intimate and deep? It can only be a meeting of the surfaces. You cannot penetrate each other because penetration needs seasoning, it needs time, it needs depth, intimacy, living together, being together. A long time is needed then depth opens -- depths talking to each other....
This is just acquaintance. It may not even be acquaintance -- in the West you can meet a woman on the train and make love, and at midnight you drop her at some station. She never bothers that she may never know you again; she may not even have asked your name.
If sex becomes such a trivial thing -- just a bodily affair where surfaces meet and separate -- your depth remains untouched. You are again missing something -- something great, something very mysterious -- because you become aware of your own depth only when somebody else touches it. Only through the other do you become aware of your inner being; only in deep relationship does somebody's love resound in you and bring your depth into being. Only through somebody else do you discover yourself.
There are two ways of discovery. One is meditation -- without the other you search for the depth; another is love -- with the other you search for the depth. He becomes a root to reach to yourself. The other creates a circle, and both lovers help each other. The deeper love goes, the deeper they feel they are; their inner-beings are revealed. But then there is no jealousy. Love cannot be jealous, it is impossible. Love is always trusting, and if something happens that breaks your trust you have to accept it; nothing can be done about it because whatsoever you do will destroy the other.
Trust cannot be forced; jealousy tries to force it. Jealousy tries, makes you make every effort so that trust can be maintained, but trust is not something to be maintained. It is there, or it is not there, and I say that nothing can be done about it. If it is there, you go through it; if it is not there, better separate.
Conclusion - Wah...very cheem, and I took awhile in silent reading to slowly understand what the above is trying to put across. It is a profound thought. I put it to my situation...and it is even more cheem. Yes! only if one is to accept that love cannot be forced...and life moves on with/without your acceptence of it, then only jealousy can be controlled. To love...is to give but one must not expect any thing in return. Hahaha it is easy to talk....but it is not easy not to feel jealous if one is to love another being.
"I make more mention of anger, sex, and less of jealousy, because jealousy is not a primary thing. It is secondary, it is a secondary part of sex.
Whenever you have a sexual urge in your mind, a sexual happening in your being, whenever you feel sexually attracted and related to somebody, jealousy enters because you are not in love. If you are in love, jealousy never enters.
Try to understand the whole thing. Whenever you are sexually related you are afraid, because sex is really not a relationship, it is an exploitation. If you are attached to a woman or man sexually, you are always afraid that this woman may go to somebody else, this man may move to somebody else. There is no relationship really, it is just mutual exploitation. You are exploiting each other, but you don't love and you know it, so you are afraid.
This fear becomes jealousy so you may not allow things, you will guard; you will make every security arrangement so this man cannot look at another woman. Even looking will be a danger signal. This man should not talk to another woman because talking.... and you feel afraid he may leave. So you will close all the paths, all the ways of this man going to another woman, of this woman going to another man; you will close all the ways, all the doors.
But then a problem arises. When all the doors are closed, the man becomes dead, the woman becomes dead, a prisoner, a slave, and you cannot love a dead thing. You cannot love one who is not free because love is beautiful only when it is given freely, when it is not taken and demanded and forced.
First you make security arrangements, then the person becomes dead, becomes like an object. A beloved may be a person, a wife becomes an object; a beloved may be a person, a husband becomes an object to be guarded, possessed, controlled. But the more you control, the more you are killing, because freedom is lost. And the other person may be there for other reasons, but not for love, because how can you love a person who possesses you? He looks like an enemy.
Sex creates jealousy but it is a secondary thing. So it is not a question of how to drop jealousy; you cannot drop it because you cannot drop sex. The question is how to transform sex into love, then jealousy disappears.
If you love a person, the very love is enough guarantee, the very love is enough security. If you love a person, you know he cannot go to anybody else. And if he goes, he goes; nothing can be done. What can you do? You can kill the person, but a dead person will not be of much use.
When you love a person you trust that he cannot go to anybody. If he goes, there is no love and nothing can be done. Love brings this understanding. There is no jealousy.
So if jealousy is there, know well there is no love. You are playing a game, you are hiding sex behind love. Love is just a painted word, the reality is sex.
In India, because love is not allowed much, not allowed at all -- marriage is arranged -- tremendous jealousy exists. A husband is always afraid. He has never loved so he knows -- and the wife is always afraid because she has never loved, so she knows -- that this has been an arrangement. The parents arranged, astrologers arranged, society arranged; the wife and husband were never asked. In many cases they never knew each other, they had never seen each other. So fear exists. The wife is afraid, the husband is afraid, and both are spying on each other. The very possibility is lost.
How can love grow in fear? They can live together, but that living together is also not living together; they only tolerate together, they somehow carry on together. It is just utilitarian, and out of utility you may manage, but ecstasy is not possible. You cannot celebrate it, it cannot become festive; it will be a burdensome affair.
So a husband is dead before death, and a wife is dead before death. It is two dead persons taking revenge on each other, because each thinks that one has killed the other. Taking revenge, angry, jealous -- the whole thing becomes so ugly.
But in the West a different type of phenomenon is happening which is the same on the other extreme. They dropped arranged marriage and it is good, that institution is not worth keeping, but by dropping it, love has not arisen, only sex has become free. And when sex is free you are always afraid, because it is always a temporary arrangement. You are with this girl tonight, tomorrow she will be with somebody else, and yesterday she was with somebody else. Yesterday the girl was with somebody else, tomorrow she will again be with somebody else; only tonight she is with you.
How can this be very intimate and deep? It can only be a meeting of the surfaces. You cannot penetrate each other because penetration needs seasoning, it needs time, it needs depth, intimacy, living together, being together. A long time is needed then depth opens -- depths talking to each other....
This is just acquaintance. It may not even be acquaintance -- in the West you can meet a woman on the train and make love, and at midnight you drop her at some station. She never bothers that she may never know you again; she may not even have asked your name.
If sex becomes such a trivial thing -- just a bodily affair where surfaces meet and separate -- your depth remains untouched. You are again missing something -- something great, something very mysterious -- because you become aware of your own depth only when somebody else touches it. Only through the other do you become aware of your inner being; only in deep relationship does somebody's love resound in you and bring your depth into being. Only through somebody else do you discover yourself.
There are two ways of discovery. One is meditation -- without the other you search for the depth; another is love -- with the other you search for the depth. He becomes a root to reach to yourself. The other creates a circle, and both lovers help each other. The deeper love goes, the deeper they feel they are; their inner-beings are revealed. But then there is no jealousy. Love cannot be jealous, it is impossible. Love is always trusting, and if something happens that breaks your trust you have to accept it; nothing can be done about it because whatsoever you do will destroy the other.
Trust cannot be forced; jealousy tries to force it. Jealousy tries, makes you make every effort so that trust can be maintained, but trust is not something to be maintained. It is there, or it is not there, and I say that nothing can be done about it. If it is there, you go through it; if it is not there, better separate.
Conclusion - Wah...very cheem, and I took awhile in silent reading to slowly understand what the above is trying to put across. It is a profound thought. I put it to my situation...and it is even more cheem. Yes! only if one is to accept that love cannot be forced...and life moves on with/without your acceptence of it, then only jealousy can be controlled. To love...is to give but one must not expect any thing in return. Hahaha it is easy to talk....but it is not easy not to feel jealous if one is to love another being.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
FAKING THE BIG 'O': Cheating Your Lover or Cheating Yourself?
For all you men (or perhaps, women) who have wondered if their partner has ever faked an orgasm and WHY, WHY, WHY she would do such a thing – this article is intended to provide some answers. As part II of the Faking the Big ‘O’ series, this articles picks up where the previous one left off. If you have not read the other article on how to detect a Fake ‘O’ – I invite you to read it first (click here to view first article). Now, without further adieu, let us explore the deep, dark reasons why women choose to fake an orgasm.
There have been countless studies on faking the orgasm – Glamour, Cosmo, Playboy, Penthouse – I think I have read surveys in all of the above magazines and then some. According to a study on marriage and relationships provided in a great book entitled, “Your Guide to Marriage” by Sheri and Bob Stritof (who also authored “The Everything Great Marriage Book” – 48% of all women have admitted to faking an orgasm. WOW – that is a little under half – who ADMITTED it – I would suggest the number is slightly higher. However, even at 48% there is something seriously wrong here!
Yes, it is true – even I have faked an orgasm or two in my day. Why? Why did I do such a thing? Well, for me it was very, very early in my sexual experience, before I realized that I was entitled and responsible for my own pleasure. No really – I didn’t realize that it was NOT my partner’s responsibility to give me an orgasm, but more of my own. I know, confused already. I am not saying that our partners should just do what they are doing with a rampant disregard for OUR pleasure. NO, I am simply stating that if I don’t speak up and tell my partner what works for me – how is HE or SHE supposed to know? In that regard, I am responsible for my own orgasm!
In the beginning, like many other women, I really had no idea what I was supposed to be doing or feeling but I did know (because my boyfriend was constantly asking) that men expected an orgasm out of me. So, I of course, decided that I could not fail HIM – that I had to figure out how to boost his fragile ego. So night after night I hailed his skill, screamed his name, and moaned “Oh God” like the best porno princess – but I went home and masturbated to get myself off because I was NOT getting it in bed with my boyfriend!
You deserve more! Stop faking it and tell your lover what works!
It was not until about a year later that I finally wised up. It was not ME who was failing HIM – but instead it was HIM who was failing me – and it was MY FAULT COMPLETELY! I had become a wonderful masturbator by the time I had sex for the first time. I knew how to get myself off in almost no time at all. Why then, was it so hard for me to get off with my boyfriend? Well, because in my ignorance I assumed incorrectly that sex alone would produce an orgasm. DUH! How stupid was I. Sex is good – very, very good – but it won’t necessarily get most women to the orgasm!
Being sick of being unsatisfied – I was determined to no longer fake my orgasm. I decided to try to touch myself during sex like I did while I masturbated (duh, novel idea there) and whal-la, I had an orgasm like no other. The next step was telling my boyfriend that his oral sex skills were totally lacking – in fact, what he was lacking was a map to my clitoris. I still remember the look on his face as I gently nudged his head UP about 2 inches (which in vagina land is like 100 miles) and explained that was where he had to lick and suck. He looked up from between my legs and said, “hey babe, I know how to get you off!” To which I responded, “Uh, no you don’t babe, and if you want to learn how, you will move where I told you to!” We promptly broke up after that – and it was a good thing too! I learned at that point that there are 2 kinds of men – those who cared about my pleasure and those who only cared about their own! I wanted the first kind of man, not the second.
From that point on, I taught my lovers about what I liked and asked them what THEY liked in return. My second boyfriend (who I was with for 7 years) taught me about multiple orgasms – now HE was into my pleasure for sure! My point? There is no need to fake an orgasm when you know how to get one – or teach your lover how to give you one. For me, faking my orgasms was due to inexperience, stupidity and pressure from my boyfriend to make HIM feel good at any cost. Basically, stupidity!
So, what are other reasons for faking the orgasm? I decided that it might be wise to get some of my friends and acquaintances to fess up on the faking so that we could all learn the reasons for faking the big ‘O’ and the following is what I found out. You may be surprised at my findings – I actually was surprised by a few things as well.
For this article I interviewed:
Kerri (31) – teacher
Jill (37) – housewife
Kathy (34) – occupation unknown
Leighton (27) – student
“Mia” (30) – teacher
When asked if they have ever faked an orgasm – EVER – the answers were pretty consistent, with one diversion.
Kerri stated that she has faked many, many orgasms.
Jill said that she too has faked many orgasms.
Kathy was the oddball, stating that she has NEVER faked an orgasm.
Leighton surprised me with her answers because I assumed that the younger women would not waste time on faking. I assumed, incorrectly, that the modern breed of young woman would be all about getting the ‘O’ – and I was wrong. Leighton told me that even she has faked it!
Finally, “Mia” admitted that she too has faked the orgasm, and in fact, made no excuses for the fact that she does.
As you can see, there was only one woman who stated that she had never faked an orgasm. It seems to be evident that women have – at one time or another – faked it. So, now I was curious:
Why have you faked orgasms?
Kerri stated, “I fake at least an orgasm a week with my husband. I get tired, cranky, don’t want sex so to get him off my back I let him do me, and while he is pumping away I fake the orgasm. I learned a long time ago that men feel badly if you don’t cum, so I have always tried to make my lovers feel good about our sex life.”
OK, I see the reasoning here, and I understand it, but in my opinion of you are going to be married – presumably FOR LIFE – then why, oh why, would you fake the orgasm? Teach your lover how to pleasure you, tell him NO when you are just too tired or totally NOT in the mood, or switch up your sexual routine so that you both get more enjoyment out of it.
Now, Jill stated that in her early relationships it seemed necessary, just to get the guy to finish. She said she didn’t learn enough about her own self-satisfaction until she was much older. In her words, “I learned when I was about 30 that it was OK to touch myself during sex. That my husband wanted to help me have orgasms – and that however we reached them it was OK. In the beginning I thought if I took help from toys, fingers or whatever that I was defective. I don’t think that way now.”
This sounded exactly like me. Not wanting to hurt my lover, and not knowing that it was OK to help myself along. The reason for faking was a seemingly logical one, but younger women have options now to know that it is OK to not orgasm and let their lover in on the secret of what will get them off!
When I heard Kathy’s admission that she has never faked it, I was astounded! I was pretty sure that most women – at one time or another – have faked it. However, she stated “you know I can honestly say I have never faked it! I have always gotten mine one way or another. The reason I have never faked is because (1) I wanted to make sure that I got the same pleasure too, I mean what fun would it have been for me to fake. I am greedy (lol) cause even if my husband was unable to he would use a toy on me and get me to one way or another. Even my very first time ever having sex I think I must have been very lucky, my partner talked me through and made me feel relaxed and confident. It may not have been a huge O but I had one.”
All I could say to her was, lucky, lucky girl! I did pick up on the idea that she has not been afraid to get to her climax one way or another – a lesson I learned a little later than she did apparently.
Now Leighton’s answer really surprised me. Not that she had faked it, but her reasoning. She said, “yeah, I have faked it. Sometimes when I am with a guy and he is rushing or not giving me what I want, I fake it just to get him off me. I mean, who wants a bad lover crawling all over them for an hour when you can fake the orgasm and give them ‘permission’ to cum – it is just simpler that way!”
What? Huh? Give the man “permission” to cum after your own orgasm? That logic seems so backwards to me now. Men should look at sex as a pleasurable experience for both the man and the woman. If they can give their lover one, two, three or more orgasms while they are pleasuring themselves as well – that is a double bonus in MY book!
Now “Mia” was definitely the most specific of all the women that I interviewed. She had 5 reasons why she fakes it. Here they are:
“Sometimes I am too tired to care and what better way to get him to finish than to act like it is the best.”
“I wasn’t in the mood so I gave him a courtesy lay to get him off my back. Again, what better way to get him to finish than to pretend I am into it.”
“Sometimes with him it is too much work so I get frustrated and give up. Again, what better time to put on a show to get him to finish.”
“He is too damn quick to begin with.”
“Until recently, I did not realize that women could enjoy sex too.”
WOW. “Mia” has really hit the nail (or all the nails) on the head here. I think there is every possible reason that women fake orgasms!
Clearly, the reasons for faking are not that different. Not wanting to hurt their lover, wanting to finish with sex to get to other things, too tired, not into it (of him). I think there is an over apparent expectation that we women have to “finish” with a bang! We see it in pornography all the time – the women are constantly screaming in desire from the first touch. We all know that these women can NOT be having that many orgasms!
There is an expectation put on us by men to have explosive orgasms. They feel like they are not doing their jobs if we do not climax. Also, many men get a complex if we touch ourselves during orgasm – like they are not doing their “job” in bed. As “Mia” points out, some women don’t even know how to get themselves there in the first place, so they figure they will fake it.
Well, statistically ladies, 80-85% of all women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm – so, if women are not “allowed” or expected to be able to touch themselves clitorally during sex – or they don’t know how to pleasure themselves - then it stands to reason that those women are NOT climaxing – and probably faking it.
So, why don’t more women pleasure themselves during sex to help their orgasms along? The famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud suggested that women should be able to climax vaginally and those who need clitoral stimulation for their orgasm are reverting to their childhood masturbation experiences and hence not “grown up” enough to handle sex! WOW – this is really an odd notion, but if you look at the basic logic behind it, it would hold true for some women.
When women get into relationships with people, i.e. NOT the water faucet or the hairbrush handle, they incorrectly assume that the orgasms should start happening with little or no effort from themselves. Why should I have to finger myself when I have a man? This logic is faulty. The same things that have gotten you to climax since you were 10 are the same things that will get you there now. Women need to take responsibility for their own pleasure and NOT be ashamed or afraid to help themselves along. If we just did this – or taught our lovers how to help us along – then we would have much more satisfying sex lives!
THE MORAL IS….
So, what is the moral of the story here? When we fake our orgasm ladies we are cheating OURSELVES and our lovers too! We should NEVER feel like we OWE our lover an orgasm – we owe it to ourselves. In every woman’s sex life there will be times when the orgasm is just not achieved. For example, when many women have quickies they are not after the orgasm, but instead looking for the excitement of the moment – orgasm is not expected then. However, in our standard sex lives – having orgasms through the use of finger or toy stimulation – really will help us and our lovers to enjoy the moment with us more.
Statistically, women who fake orgasms do not want to have sex as much – and why would they? If you have having that connection with your lover but not getting the “pay off” at the end, why would you want to keep going? Therefore, it is every woman’s responsibility to be honest with herself and her lover and ensure her own pleasure. Tell your lovers what you like – show them where to lick, suck, pull, finger, touch – and they will be grateful. As my example in the beginning showed, if you are with a lover who simply doesn’t care about your pleasure – DUMP HIM or HER – they are seriously not worth it if they could care less about your pleasure!
So ladies, let us vow NEVER to fake another orgasm – for whatever reason you may have done it – and instead, take back our orgasms and be proud to do it! If you need help finding your orgasm, make sure you read my articles on How to Have An Orgasm or How To Have a G-Spot orgasm – believe me, you will be glad you did!
Soon, all women will be screaming their lover’s names, looking into their eyes, gushing with excitement – and NO ONE will be thinking it is a prized performance like Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally” – instead, our lovers will be happy, we will be happy – and sex will be GOOD, very, very GOOD!
Conclusion - Wah....lau, but I completely understand why some women fake it. I have to agree that most men will feel "bad or lousy" if we cannot bring our women to their big "O". I don't mind if the women are to fake it but some over-do it which even a retard can tell the different...hahaha. That is a big turn-off to me......and
I will be very pissed off with that. My suggestion to women is....be careful not to over-do the faking hahaha.....just be natural.
There have been countless studies on faking the orgasm – Glamour, Cosmo, Playboy, Penthouse – I think I have read surveys in all of the above magazines and then some. According to a study on marriage and relationships provided in a great book entitled, “Your Guide to Marriage” by Sheri and Bob Stritof (who also authored “The Everything Great Marriage Book” – 48% of all women have admitted to faking an orgasm. WOW – that is a little under half – who ADMITTED it – I would suggest the number is slightly higher. However, even at 48% there is something seriously wrong here!
Yes, it is true – even I have faked an orgasm or two in my day. Why? Why did I do such a thing? Well, for me it was very, very early in my sexual experience, before I realized that I was entitled and responsible for my own pleasure. No really – I didn’t realize that it was NOT my partner’s responsibility to give me an orgasm, but more of my own. I know, confused already. I am not saying that our partners should just do what they are doing with a rampant disregard for OUR pleasure. NO, I am simply stating that if I don’t speak up and tell my partner what works for me – how is HE or SHE supposed to know? In that regard, I am responsible for my own orgasm!
In the beginning, like many other women, I really had no idea what I was supposed to be doing or feeling but I did know (because my boyfriend was constantly asking) that men expected an orgasm out of me. So, I of course, decided that I could not fail HIM – that I had to figure out how to boost his fragile ego. So night after night I hailed his skill, screamed his name, and moaned “Oh God” like the best porno princess – but I went home and masturbated to get myself off because I was NOT getting it in bed with my boyfriend!
You deserve more! Stop faking it and tell your lover what works!
It was not until about a year later that I finally wised up. It was not ME who was failing HIM – but instead it was HIM who was failing me – and it was MY FAULT COMPLETELY! I had become a wonderful masturbator by the time I had sex for the first time. I knew how to get myself off in almost no time at all. Why then, was it so hard for me to get off with my boyfriend? Well, because in my ignorance I assumed incorrectly that sex alone would produce an orgasm. DUH! How stupid was I. Sex is good – very, very good – but it won’t necessarily get most women to the orgasm!
Being sick of being unsatisfied – I was determined to no longer fake my orgasm. I decided to try to touch myself during sex like I did while I masturbated (duh, novel idea there) and whal-la, I had an orgasm like no other. The next step was telling my boyfriend that his oral sex skills were totally lacking – in fact, what he was lacking was a map to my clitoris. I still remember the look on his face as I gently nudged his head UP about 2 inches (which in vagina land is like 100 miles) and explained that was where he had to lick and suck. He looked up from between my legs and said, “hey babe, I know how to get you off!” To which I responded, “Uh, no you don’t babe, and if you want to learn how, you will move where I told you to!” We promptly broke up after that – and it was a good thing too! I learned at that point that there are 2 kinds of men – those who cared about my pleasure and those who only cared about their own! I wanted the first kind of man, not the second.
From that point on, I taught my lovers about what I liked and asked them what THEY liked in return. My second boyfriend (who I was with for 7 years) taught me about multiple orgasms – now HE was into my pleasure for sure! My point? There is no need to fake an orgasm when you know how to get one – or teach your lover how to give you one. For me, faking my orgasms was due to inexperience, stupidity and pressure from my boyfriend to make HIM feel good at any cost. Basically, stupidity!
So, what are other reasons for faking the orgasm? I decided that it might be wise to get some of my friends and acquaintances to fess up on the faking so that we could all learn the reasons for faking the big ‘O’ and the following is what I found out. You may be surprised at my findings – I actually was surprised by a few things as well.
For this article I interviewed:
Kerri (31) – teacher
Jill (37) – housewife
Kathy (34) – occupation unknown
Leighton (27) – student
“Mia” (30) – teacher
When asked if they have ever faked an orgasm – EVER – the answers were pretty consistent, with one diversion.
Kerri stated that she has faked many, many orgasms.
Jill said that she too has faked many orgasms.
Kathy was the oddball, stating that she has NEVER faked an orgasm.
Leighton surprised me with her answers because I assumed that the younger women would not waste time on faking. I assumed, incorrectly, that the modern breed of young woman would be all about getting the ‘O’ – and I was wrong. Leighton told me that even she has faked it!
Finally, “Mia” admitted that she too has faked the orgasm, and in fact, made no excuses for the fact that she does.
As you can see, there was only one woman who stated that she had never faked an orgasm. It seems to be evident that women have – at one time or another – faked it. So, now I was curious:
Why have you faked orgasms?
Kerri stated, “I fake at least an orgasm a week with my husband. I get tired, cranky, don’t want sex so to get him off my back I let him do me, and while he is pumping away I fake the orgasm. I learned a long time ago that men feel badly if you don’t cum, so I have always tried to make my lovers feel good about our sex life.”
OK, I see the reasoning here, and I understand it, but in my opinion of you are going to be married – presumably FOR LIFE – then why, oh why, would you fake the orgasm? Teach your lover how to pleasure you, tell him NO when you are just too tired or totally NOT in the mood, or switch up your sexual routine so that you both get more enjoyment out of it.
Now, Jill stated that in her early relationships it seemed necessary, just to get the guy to finish. She said she didn’t learn enough about her own self-satisfaction until she was much older. In her words, “I learned when I was about 30 that it was OK to touch myself during sex. That my husband wanted to help me have orgasms – and that however we reached them it was OK. In the beginning I thought if I took help from toys, fingers or whatever that I was defective. I don’t think that way now.”
This sounded exactly like me. Not wanting to hurt my lover, and not knowing that it was OK to help myself along. The reason for faking was a seemingly logical one, but younger women have options now to know that it is OK to not orgasm and let their lover in on the secret of what will get them off!
When I heard Kathy’s admission that she has never faked it, I was astounded! I was pretty sure that most women – at one time or another – have faked it. However, she stated “you know I can honestly say I have never faked it! I have always gotten mine one way or another. The reason I have never faked is because (1) I wanted to make sure that I got the same pleasure too, I mean what fun would it have been for me to fake. I am greedy (lol) cause even if my husband was unable to he would use a toy on me and get me to one way or another. Even my very first time ever having sex I think I must have been very lucky, my partner talked me through and made me feel relaxed and confident. It may not have been a huge O but I had one.”
All I could say to her was, lucky, lucky girl! I did pick up on the idea that she has not been afraid to get to her climax one way or another – a lesson I learned a little later than she did apparently.
Now Leighton’s answer really surprised me. Not that she had faked it, but her reasoning. She said, “yeah, I have faked it. Sometimes when I am with a guy and he is rushing or not giving me what I want, I fake it just to get him off me. I mean, who wants a bad lover crawling all over them for an hour when you can fake the orgasm and give them ‘permission’ to cum – it is just simpler that way!”
What? Huh? Give the man “permission” to cum after your own orgasm? That logic seems so backwards to me now. Men should look at sex as a pleasurable experience for both the man and the woman. If they can give their lover one, two, three or more orgasms while they are pleasuring themselves as well – that is a double bonus in MY book!
Now “Mia” was definitely the most specific of all the women that I interviewed. She had 5 reasons why she fakes it. Here they are:
“Sometimes I am too tired to care and what better way to get him to finish than to act like it is the best.”
“I wasn’t in the mood so I gave him a courtesy lay to get him off my back. Again, what better way to get him to finish than to pretend I am into it.”
“Sometimes with him it is too much work so I get frustrated and give up. Again, what better time to put on a show to get him to finish.”
“He is too damn quick to begin with.”
“Until recently, I did not realize that women could enjoy sex too.”
WOW. “Mia” has really hit the nail (or all the nails) on the head here. I think there is every possible reason that women fake orgasms!
Clearly, the reasons for faking are not that different. Not wanting to hurt their lover, wanting to finish with sex to get to other things, too tired, not into it (of him). I think there is an over apparent expectation that we women have to “finish” with a bang! We see it in pornography all the time – the women are constantly screaming in desire from the first touch. We all know that these women can NOT be having that many orgasms!
There is an expectation put on us by men to have explosive orgasms. They feel like they are not doing their jobs if we do not climax. Also, many men get a complex if we touch ourselves during orgasm – like they are not doing their “job” in bed. As “Mia” points out, some women don’t even know how to get themselves there in the first place, so they figure they will fake it.
Well, statistically ladies, 80-85% of all women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm – so, if women are not “allowed” or expected to be able to touch themselves clitorally during sex – or they don’t know how to pleasure themselves - then it stands to reason that those women are NOT climaxing – and probably faking it.
So, why don’t more women pleasure themselves during sex to help their orgasms along? The famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud suggested that women should be able to climax vaginally and those who need clitoral stimulation for their orgasm are reverting to their childhood masturbation experiences and hence not “grown up” enough to handle sex! WOW – this is really an odd notion, but if you look at the basic logic behind it, it would hold true for some women.
When women get into relationships with people, i.e. NOT the water faucet or the hairbrush handle, they incorrectly assume that the orgasms should start happening with little or no effort from themselves. Why should I have to finger myself when I have a man? This logic is faulty. The same things that have gotten you to climax since you were 10 are the same things that will get you there now. Women need to take responsibility for their own pleasure and NOT be ashamed or afraid to help themselves along. If we just did this – or taught our lovers how to help us along – then we would have much more satisfying sex lives!
THE MORAL IS….
So, what is the moral of the story here? When we fake our orgasm ladies we are cheating OURSELVES and our lovers too! We should NEVER feel like we OWE our lover an orgasm – we owe it to ourselves. In every woman’s sex life there will be times when the orgasm is just not achieved. For example, when many women have quickies they are not after the orgasm, but instead looking for the excitement of the moment – orgasm is not expected then. However, in our standard sex lives – having orgasms through the use of finger or toy stimulation – really will help us and our lovers to enjoy the moment with us more.
Statistically, women who fake orgasms do not want to have sex as much – and why would they? If you have having that connection with your lover but not getting the “pay off” at the end, why would you want to keep going? Therefore, it is every woman’s responsibility to be honest with herself and her lover and ensure her own pleasure. Tell your lovers what you like – show them where to lick, suck, pull, finger, touch – and they will be grateful. As my example in the beginning showed, if you are with a lover who simply doesn’t care about your pleasure – DUMP HIM or HER – they are seriously not worth it if they could care less about your pleasure!
So ladies, let us vow NEVER to fake another orgasm – for whatever reason you may have done it – and instead, take back our orgasms and be proud to do it! If you need help finding your orgasm, make sure you read my articles on How to Have An Orgasm or How To Have a G-Spot orgasm – believe me, you will be glad you did!
Soon, all women will be screaming their lover’s names, looking into their eyes, gushing with excitement – and NO ONE will be thinking it is a prized performance like Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally” – instead, our lovers will be happy, we will be happy – and sex will be GOOD, very, very GOOD!
Conclusion - Wah....lau, but I completely understand why some women fake it. I have to agree that most men will feel "bad or lousy" if we cannot bring our women to their big "O". I don't mind if the women are to fake it but some over-do it which even a retard can tell the different...hahaha. That is a big turn-off to me......and
I will be very pissed off with that. My suggestion to women is....be careful not to over-do the faking hahaha.....just be natural.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)