I'd be the last person to tell you that money can buy happiness, but I'm fascinated by recent reports insisting that money isn't a major factor in whether or not people are happy.
Please.
Positive psychology (that's what academicians call the study of human happiness) is a hot field of research, and the folks at the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania have come up with an interesting questionnaire that's been getting a lot of press.
Yet nowhere in the 24-question Authentic Happiness Inventory does the issue of money -- or, more important, our desire for financial security -- merit a mention. Hmm.
A Conspicuous Omission
Given how expensive our lives are, how can money not be a factor? We have huge mortgages and tapped-out home equity lines of credit weighing on us. College tuition bills have never been more daunting. Our employers are less likely to give us a defined benefit pension, so the onus is on us -- and our 401(k)s -- to figure out how we'll be able to afford retirement. If we're lucky enough to get health insurance through our employer, the trend is for each of us to be responsible for a greater portion of the bill.
I would love to live in a world where authentic happiness was achievable solely from the richness of relationships, but I'm a realist. And the reality I see -- and that so many of you write to me about -- is one in which money plays into our ability to be truly happy.
Yes, I've heard about the study of lottery winners that showed they were not relatively happier than those who hadn't won the lottery, and the one reporting that folks on the Forbes 100 list (the wealthiest people alive) weren't much happier than the average American.
Those studies show that being filthy rich doesn't ensure happiness, but that's not something most of us have to contend with.
I'm talking about how your happiness is affected when you're worried about how you'll pay the bills at the end of the month, save for the future, and be able to afford to retire. In other words, how you'll make ends meet. When those worries are your reality, I think it's ridiculously hard to be authentically happy.
Happiness Is Income-Sensitive
Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks so. A survey conducted earlier this year by the Pew Research Center reports that, overall, just 34 percent of respondents are very happy.
But when you start to slice the findings by income, it gets very interesting: 49 percent of respondents with an annual family income above $100,000 say they are very happy. When income falls between $75,000 and $100,000, the very-happy contingent falls to 38 percent. Just 24 percent of those with incomes below $30,000 said they were very happy.
I want to be quite clear: I'm in no way saying that money is all that matters. But I'm so tired of how scared everyone is to admit that money does in fact make a difference in the quality of our lives.
A Family Affair
Most of you would probably say that what makes you truly happy is your family and the love you share in your relationships, and I couldn't agree more. But money comes into play in those relationships, too.
When I talk about money this way to a group, invariably someone comes up to me afterward and give me a "tsk, tsk" look and says, "Suze, you are so wrong. Money isn't the key to life, this is!" At which point their wallet flies open and they show me a photo of their family.
That's when things get interesting, because I start asking them questions: Did you take that photo with your own camera? It looks like a beautiful beach; was the photo taken on a family vacation? Are those braces I see on the two teenagers? Do you hope to help those beautiful kids go to college?
As their heads bob in successive "yes" nods, I ask them how they provide all of that for their family. That's when they understand that I had it right.
Richer, But Not Happier
At the risk of repeating myself, I totally agree that family and friends are vital to our well being; without meaningful relationships, there's no chance of ever being truly, authentically happy. That's why, every Saturday night, I end my CNBC show with the following words: "People first. Then money. Then things."
But money does have a place at the table. If you don't have money to buy things, you're going to be very frustrated. It's just that simple.
How we handle the money we have also plays into our happiness. The Pew survey points out that over the past few decades, the percentage of Americans who say they're happy hasn't changed much (it hovers at around one-third of the population), while at the same time the average per capita income has doubled in inflation-adjusted dollars. So we have more money, but we're not much happier on average.
A paradox? Far from it. My sense is that we while we're making more money, we aren't making more of the money we make. We have a ton of debt, and we have to worry about saving for retirement in a way that our parents and grandparents never did. And as many of you know, it's really hard to boost your happiness quotient when you've got a lot of money worries.
Wouldn't you agree that money does make the world goes round....hahaha.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
My hero - Steve Irwin just gone
A LIFE-long friend of Steve Irwin today told how the Crocodile Hunter pulled a deadly stingray barb from his own chest before losing consciousness and dying.
Friend John Stainton said he had viewed footage of his friend's last moments and the images were "shocking".
"It's a very hard thing to watch because you're actually witnessing somebody die ... and it's terrible," he said. "It shows that Steve came over the top of the ray and the tail came up, and spiked him here (in the chest), and he pulled it out and the next minute he's gone. "That was it. The cameraman had to shut down."
Irwin , 44, was filming a television program on the Great Barrier Reef off far north Queensland when the drama unfolded yesterday.
Mr Stainton said Irwin's wife, Terri, who rushed to Queensland from a holiday in Tasmania after being told of the tragedy, was putting on a brave face for the sake of her children.
"I think she's being very strong," he said in Cairns, where Irwin's body has been taken. "I think for the children's sake she has to be strong because they're at a very impressionable age, as you know. "Bindi's eight and little Robert's coming up to three, so he may not totally understand, but Bindi certainly does.
"She's very mindful of how she has to control her emotions to get the kids through it." Terri Irwin remained at the family home on the Sunshine Coast with her children today and Mr Stainton said she had no plans to go to Cairns.
The loss of an Australian icon has made headlines around the world and sparked tributes from all walks of life, with NEWS.com.au readers among the many keen to pass on their condolences.
Irwin was killed while shooting footage for a new show he was doing with Bindi.
Terri would have the final say on whether film from the project was made public, the head of the US TV company that broadcasts his show said today.
Film of the death has already been handed to Queensland police preparing a report for the Coroner. Billy Campbell, the president of Discovery Networks, which owns the Animal Planet channel, said talks on the footage would take place with Terri at a suitable time.
"It's still too early," Mr Campbell said. "We'll have to take a look at it."
Mr Campbell, who will fly to Australia for Irwin's funeral, said he would also ask Terri whether she would like Bindi's show to go ahead.
"In terms of the Bindi show, a lot of that will depend on the conversations I have with Terri in a couple of days," he said. "I want to give her a few days to mourn and think through things. "We'll talk about that in due time".
"Should they want to move forward, then definitely we will move forward."
Irwin was killed almost instantly when the stingray stabbed him in the heart with its poisonous 20cm barb as he snorkelled off Port Douglas. He was pulled from the water by a cameraman and a crewman, put on an inflatable tender and taken to a support boat about 500m away.
Crewmembers said he was barely conscious in the minutes after the sting, but died as his production team rushed him to his vessel, Croc One, and to a nearby island for emergency treatment.
A charter dive boat crew desperately tried to revive him on the beach, but were unsuccessful and he was pronounced dead shortly afterwards by Queensland Rescue Service officers, who had flown to the area by helicopter. Irwin's body was last night flown to Cairns where a post-mortem confirmed the cause of death.
"We're not going into the detail but there's definitely no surprises. Everyone knows how he died," a police spokeswoman said. One of Irwin's contemporaries, internationally known cameraman and spearfisherman Ben Cropp, was in his own boat off Port Douglas when Irwin was killed.
Mr Cropp said the stingray was spooked and went into defensive mood. "It probably felt threatened because Steve was alongside and there was the cameraman ahead, and it felt there was danger and it baulked. "It stopped and went into a defensive mode and swung its tail with the spike.
"Steve unfortunately was in a bad position and copped it. "I have had that happen to me, and I can visualise it - when a ray goes into defensive, you get out of the way.
"Steve was so close he could not get away, so if you can imagine it - being right beside the ray and it swinging its spine upwards from underneath Steve - and it hit him. "I have seen that sort of reaction with rays - with their tail breaking the water, such is the force."
Surf Lifesavers national marine stinger adviser Lisa-Ann Gershwin said there had only been 17 fatal stingray attacks worldwide. "I think it's just an extraordinary freak accident that has happened to his heart," she said.
"A lot of people will be afraid by this, but they need to keep in mind that this was a freak accident, it was a terrible tragedy but it is not common."
Dr Gershwin said stingray stings to the legs or arms were common and, while painful, were not normally considered dangerous. She said there were many different types of stingrays, with barbs on their tails up to 30cm long, and they poisoned victims with a range of toxins
PS - that is fate and life, we can never able to tell how we too will end up when the time comes for us. So heads up....and move on with life. :)
Rest in peace...Mate.
Friend John Stainton said he had viewed footage of his friend's last moments and the images were "shocking".
"It's a very hard thing to watch because you're actually witnessing somebody die ... and it's terrible," he said. "It shows that Steve came over the top of the ray and the tail came up, and spiked him here (in the chest), and he pulled it out and the next minute he's gone. "That was it. The cameraman had to shut down."
Irwin , 44, was filming a television program on the Great Barrier Reef off far north Queensland when the drama unfolded yesterday.
Mr Stainton said Irwin's wife, Terri, who rushed to Queensland from a holiday in Tasmania after being told of the tragedy, was putting on a brave face for the sake of her children.
"I think she's being very strong," he said in Cairns, where Irwin's body has been taken. "I think for the children's sake she has to be strong because they're at a very impressionable age, as you know. "Bindi's eight and little Robert's coming up to three, so he may not totally understand, but Bindi certainly does.
"She's very mindful of how she has to control her emotions to get the kids through it." Terri Irwin remained at the family home on the Sunshine Coast with her children today and Mr Stainton said she had no plans to go to Cairns.
The loss of an Australian icon has made headlines around the world and sparked tributes from all walks of life, with NEWS.com.au readers among the many keen to pass on their condolences.
Irwin was killed while shooting footage for a new show he was doing with Bindi.
Terri would have the final say on whether film from the project was made public, the head of the US TV company that broadcasts his show said today.
Film of the death has already been handed to Queensland police preparing a report for the Coroner. Billy Campbell, the president of Discovery Networks, which owns the Animal Planet channel, said talks on the footage would take place with Terri at a suitable time.
"It's still too early," Mr Campbell said. "We'll have to take a look at it."
Mr Campbell, who will fly to Australia for Irwin's funeral, said he would also ask Terri whether she would like Bindi's show to go ahead.
"In terms of the Bindi show, a lot of that will depend on the conversations I have with Terri in a couple of days," he said. "I want to give her a few days to mourn and think through things. "We'll talk about that in due time".
"Should they want to move forward, then definitely we will move forward."
Irwin was killed almost instantly when the stingray stabbed him in the heart with its poisonous 20cm barb as he snorkelled off Port Douglas. He was pulled from the water by a cameraman and a crewman, put on an inflatable tender and taken to a support boat about 500m away.
Crewmembers said he was barely conscious in the minutes after the sting, but died as his production team rushed him to his vessel, Croc One, and to a nearby island for emergency treatment.
A charter dive boat crew desperately tried to revive him on the beach, but were unsuccessful and he was pronounced dead shortly afterwards by Queensland Rescue Service officers, who had flown to the area by helicopter. Irwin's body was last night flown to Cairns where a post-mortem confirmed the cause of death.
"We're not going into the detail but there's definitely no surprises. Everyone knows how he died," a police spokeswoman said. One of Irwin's contemporaries, internationally known cameraman and spearfisherman Ben Cropp, was in his own boat off Port Douglas when Irwin was killed.
Mr Cropp said the stingray was spooked and went into defensive mood. "It probably felt threatened because Steve was alongside and there was the cameraman ahead, and it felt there was danger and it baulked. "It stopped and went into a defensive mode and swung its tail with the spike.
"Steve unfortunately was in a bad position and copped it. "I have had that happen to me, and I can visualise it - when a ray goes into defensive, you get out of the way.
"Steve was so close he could not get away, so if you can imagine it - being right beside the ray and it swinging its spine upwards from underneath Steve - and it hit him. "I have seen that sort of reaction with rays - with their tail breaking the water, such is the force."
Surf Lifesavers national marine stinger adviser Lisa-Ann Gershwin said there had only been 17 fatal stingray attacks worldwide. "I think it's just an extraordinary freak accident that has happened to his heart," she said.
"A lot of people will be afraid by this, but they need to keep in mind that this was a freak accident, it was a terrible tragedy but it is not common."
Dr Gershwin said stingray stings to the legs or arms were common and, while painful, were not normally considered dangerous. She said there were many different types of stingrays, with barbs on their tails up to 30cm long, and they poisoned victims with a range of toxins
PS - that is fate and life, we can never able to tell how we too will end up when the time comes for us. So heads up....and move on with life. :)
Rest in peace...Mate.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Saw this one in one of the internet forum site.
1:Do You Make These Mistakes?
p style='font-weight:bold; font-size:medium;font-family:"Arial","serif";color:#8A2E2E'>"10 Dangerously Effective Tactics For Meeting Women Online"
Here is the answer key that will give you a detailed breakdown of each test question, along with an explanation of which answers will get you the best results with meeting women online - and why.
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1. You are online and you see a woman that catches your attention. When is the best time to email her?
a) Wednesday at 9 a.m.
b) Friday at 8 p.m. so she sees you have absolutely no plans whatsoever for the weekend.
c) Sunday afternoon… after her dates on Friday and Saturday night turned out to be total losers.
d) It does not matter when you call her.
The Answer:
Want to know a secret about meeting women online… that 99% of men DO NOT know?
Women are much more receptive to getting your emails at SPECIFIC TIMES... and if you send one at the wrong time, you communicate the WRONG message.
Think about it…
Email a woman on a work day in the morning or afternoon… and she will suspect you are unemployed.
Contact her on a Friday or Saturday night… and she will mistake you for just another lonely guy on the net who does not have enough "game" to have plans for the weekend.
One time that works great is emailing a woman on Sunday afternoon. Her dates on Friday and Saturday probably turned out to be total losers… and here you come with your confident, spontaneous, refreshingly edgy approach. Can you say…. BINGO?
2. You are about to email a woman who has some very attractive photos of herself. What is the best angle to take?
a) Prove to her that you are not just picking up random women on the internet.
b)Convince her to like you…show her you are WORTHY of her.
c)Be careful to avoid making a mistake. You do not want to blow it with this one.
d) Subtly communicate that you are a desirable, busy, funny, challenging guy.
The Answer:
Ask any guy who enjoys RIDICULOUS success with women and he will tell you the same thing: your MINDSET makes a huge difference to your success with the ladies. And online is no different.
If your mindset is to prove that you are not a "pick-up artist", you may calm her concerns… but you will not trigger ATTRACTION deep inside her.
Answer B is what most guys do. You unconsciously try to convince a woman that you are WORTHY of her. Of course, if you do this, a woman will IMMEDIATELY put you in the "Wuss" category. It is a HUGE turn-off.
And if you "play it safe" with Answer C… and try not to blow it…. the only powerful emotion you will create within her is BOREDOM. And you can't BORE a woman into feeling attraction for you.
You have to do much more than not "blow it." You have to make her feel something for you…
And you can do this by subtly communicating that you are a desirable, busy, funny, challenging guy. Focus on creating chemistry and "sexual tension." Send the message that the woman you are looking for will make your ALREADY GREAT life even BETTER. Do this and you will create an irresistible urge within her to respond to your email…
And here is the good news… learning how to make a woman feel attraction like this is a skill ANY guy can learn.
Read on…
3. You sit down at your computer to write your profile. What is the best way to write it? it?
a) Write in a comfortable, causal, conversational style… the way you talk. Inject humor, wit, interesting perspectives, and FUN throughout.
b)Describe your life, and the woman you are looking for, as accurately as possible.
c)Write to women as a group, rather than an individual woman reading your profile.
d) Read a bunch of other guys' profiles… and do what they do. You want to “blend in.”
The Answer:
Do you know how many emails the average woman online is bombarded with every day?
The numbers are STAGGERING.
And you know something else?
Most of the profiles a woman reads SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME.
If you want to spark attraction and get noticed, you have to stand out from the pack.
Read 50-100 profiles written by men, notice the similarities, and BE DIFFERENT. Do not be boring and predictable… add adventure at every twist and turn to your page.
Communicate that the woman you are looking for will make your ALREADY GREAT life even BETTER.
Never communicate that you are "not OK" alone… or that you need a woman to fill an empty space in your personality.
Do this… and you won't believe the advantage you will have over all the other men online.
b>4. You are flirting with a woman online. What is the best way to “rev up” her attraction for you?
a) Find reasons to playfully disqualify her… tell her that she lives too far away, or that she is too old/young/short/tall/rich/poor/etc.
b) Misinterpret any personality trait as the negative extreme, and then say, “Ah Ha! I have figured out why you can not get normal guys to talk to you!”
c) Give her a funny nickname… one with a slight “Bratty Little Sister” twist.
d) All of the above.
The Answer:
Have you ever found an attractive woman online… the two of you began chatting… but you quickly did not know what direction to take the interaction…. you could sense you were screwing things up… and you never heard from her again?
So what was your mistake?
Odds are you BORED her… just like 90% of the other guys online.
You need to learn the ways of creating attraction… and then AMPLIFYING it.
Find reasons to playfully disqualify her… tell her that she lives too far away… etc.
Misinterpret any personality trait as its opposite extreme.
Give her a funny nickname with a "bratty little sister" feel to it.
When you "bust" on her like this, you show that you are confident, funny, and independent… and she will have a strangely powerful emotional craving to find out ALL about you…
5. What is the best way to really "impress" a woman online?
a) Tell her that she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous… and that you would like to take her to a nice restaurant.
b) Describe yourself as an average guy… so that she is not intimidated by you.
c) Let her know in an indirect way that you have high standards with women. Discuss your avoidance of crazy chicks, the fact that attractive women can be flaky, etc.
d) Tell her you are really easy-going and are not too picky about anything. It will help her relax, and make a meeting with her easy to set up.
The Answer:
This one is sort of a "trick question"…
You see, you should not be concerned with IMPRESSING A WOMAN at all.
But, of course, this is where 99% of men come from when they try to meet a woman online. And women HATE IT. They are not IMPRESSED by you trying to IMPRESS them. In fact, it actually has a NEGATIVE effect.
The best way to leave an impression is to NOT try to leave an impression.
Instead of convincing her that you are a great guy, let her know that you have high standards. Instead of seeking her approval, get her to seek YOURS.
Do it in an indirect, subtle way… mention that you avoid crazy chicks… that you find attractive women annoyingly flakey… and you will make 10 times the impact than if you came out directly and simply said, "I have high standards when it comes to women."
Stop trying to impress her… and start questioning whether or not she will meet YOUR standards… and she will be compelled to impress you in all sorts of interesting ways…
6. You are deciding which photos to include in your profile. What is the best approach?
a) Do not include a picture of yourself. This way she will have nothing to object to.
b) If you have a nice body, post lots of pics with your shirt off… women love this stuff.
c) Use old pictures of yourself when you were thinner, had more hair, and were better looking in general.
d) Take lots of digital pictures of yourself from different angles. Get feedback from women on which ones are the best.
The Answer:
As you probably already know, profiles with photos get something like 7 times the response rate as profiles without.
You NEED photos… the only question is: what kind?
You definitely do not want to use OLD pictures of yourself (Answer C). Even if you have put on a few pounds, or you spend more money on Rogaine than on hairspray these days… you still need to post recent, accurate pictures.
If you have any experience at all meeting women online, I am sure you have experienced meeting a woman who turned out to be older, heavier, wrinklier, etc., than her photos showed.
You know this situation SUCKS. So do not allow yourself to do this to anyone ELSE.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you happen to be relatively good looking and are fit, do not make the mistake of including photos that are obviously showing off what you have. When a quality woman sees pics like these, the first thought she will have is "What a jack-ass."
It is much better to include photos that suggest or hint at the fact you have some attractive physical qualities… without sticking it right in her face. It is much better to be subtle about it… and leave her wanting to see more… than giving her the whole meal in one bite.
But do not worry… you do not need to look like a model to succeed with women online. Lord knows I do not….
The trick is to make the most of what you have got. Whatever your looks, good photos can raise your "hunk score" by a couple of notches…
Take the time to take lots of different pictures of yourself. Test different angles… cropping… looking into the camera or away from it… and try taking pictures looking into a mirror.
Then get feedback from women. Test your pictures at one of the online dating sites… one I enjoy is HotOrNot.com
And do not sweat too much about your looks. Women have different tastes when it comes to men… good grooming makes up for a lot in the looks department… and the more comfortable you are with whatever your "level" of looks, the more attractive she will see you.
b>7. What’s one thing you should never have in your profile?
a) A picture of your new sports car.
b) A picture of your mom.
c) A picture of you with 3 "Hooter's Girls."
d) A graphic description of the deep heartache your high-school sweet heart caused you… and your acceptance of the fact that it will never fade away.
The Answer:
You do not want a picture of your car (Answer A). While women want a guy who is successful, throwing it in her face looks like you are bragging… it suggests that it is ALL you have got… and that you are not confident enough to attract her with your personality alone.
Yes, women want to see that you can develop relationships with other women, but when they see you posing with a couple of hooter girls (Answer C)… it just makes you look like a cheesy "frat-boy" who can only meet attractive women when they are PAID to talk to you. Post a picture with you and some cute girlfriends instead.
But a picture of your mom, Answer B, shows that you are connected to your family. Women love a man with strong family ties. Do not make this your main pic, but if you have it on your profile somewhere… it is definitely a bonus.
8. You email a woman online, and she writes back. You can sense the two of you are hitting it off. When should you suggest talking on the phone?
a) It does not matter when you respond. Follow her lead. She will give you signals when she is ready to move things forward.
b)The first time you chat with her, or your first or second email.
c) You have already blown it. The very first email you send should describe an elaborate and fancy date so you impress her, sweep her off her feet, and make her head-over-heels in love with you.
d) You should proceed very slowly. Email back and forth at least 8 or 9 times before you transition to the phone. She needs to really get to know you first and trust you first. And there is no rush… after all, you are the only guy she is emailing, right?
The Answer:
One of the things that bugs women the MOST is when a man keeps emailing and emailing (Answer D)… and never has the courage to move things from "virtual" to "real." Women quickly lose patience… and set up dates with other guys who are simply more assertive.
And if you are waiting for her to give you "clues" that she is ready to transition to the phone (Answer A)… you are going to wait a LONG time. Why? While you are waiting for HER to give you a clue… she is waiting for YOU to take the lead and suggest a phone conversation.
Two people waiting for the other to make the first "move"… it is a sad sight.
On the other hand, you do not need to "bribe" her with an expensive dinner (Answer C) just to get her time and attention. Offer too much too soon and she will put you in the "wuss" category… and you will never hear from her again.
Instead, get her IM address, chat with her for a bit, then say "let us have a real conversation like normal people do… on the phone." Or suggest the same thing via email… but do not wait for weeks before you pull the trigger.
9. You have certain age/weight/looks requirements for the kind of woman you would like to meet online. You know that many women are older, heavier, and just different from the way they look in their pictures. What is the best way to avoid being unpleasantly surprised when you finally meet her?
a) Do not do anything. You will see what she looks like when you meet her face to face. If you do not like what you see, all you have wasted is one evening… and money for dinner.
b) Clarify in your profile that you are looking for a blonde, 5’10”, 125, with double D’s. When you get her on the phone, ask her how much she weighs… AND her cup size.
c) Get several pictures, from different angles, before you agree to meet. Ask her how long ago the pictures were taken.
d) When it is time to meet in person, hide-out somewhere close by. If she is a wildebeest, leave before she sees you… put her on your “do not contact me in a million years list"… and change your profile name so she will never contact you again.
The Answer:
One of the most common mistakes guys make online… is also the most PREVENTABLE.
Here is the story:
You meet a woman online. She looks cute. You email, she responds. You think, "Nice, she is a cutie," but when you finally meet her face to face… she is NOTHING like her photos. She goes from a 9 to a 3.
Ouch.
But if you think about it for a second, you will realize that it is not just painful for YOU… it is painful for her, too.
Do you think she can not read the look of disappointment in your face… despite your best efforts to cover it up?
Do yourself – and HER - a favor by proactively preventing this from happening.
So… how?
Well, you do not do it by talking about breast size, weight, or cup size in your profile (Answer B)…unless you want to send a clear message to quality women that you are just another shallow guy looking for easy sex on the net.
Instead, be a stickler about getting multiple pics. If she only has 1 or 2 in her profile, ask for more. And ask how RECENT the pictures are.
And as back up, stick to tea or coffee for the first meeting. If she misrepresented herself in her pictures, you can get out of there in no time flat.
Nice.
10. You are emailing a lot of women online, but getting very few responses. What is the best thing you can do?
a) Give up… there must be something deep inside of you that tragically prevents you from succeeding with women.
b) Do the same thing you have been doing… keep your profile and emails the same… and hope that eventually the numbers will work in your favor. If you contact enough women, some of them have to respond, right?
c) Find pictures of a male model… and put them in your profile. Women are only attracted to good looking guys, anyway.
d) Realize it is not about YOU… it is about your approach. Get an education on how to succeed with meeting women online… test and systemize… and create variations on the themes that work for you.
Your Answer:
The sad truth is this:
Most men struggle with meeting women online.
And it is tragic how common it is for a man to keep on using the same approach… even when he is not getting the results he wants.
It is easy to fall into the "if I just try HARDER" trap (Answer B). But YOU do not have to…
If you are not succeeding online, realize it is not about YOU… it is about your STRATEGY.
Educate yourself with the proven theory AND specific techniques in this workshop. They work like gangbusters to meet women online. Take the ideas you learn… test them systematically… and find unique variations on the themes that work best for you.
When you do, meeting boatloads of attractive, quality women online will be like shooting fish in a barrel… but TWICE the fun.
And as you see how well these heavily researched methods work, you will probably want more. Do not worry, you can continue to access strategies that will help you hone your style far beyond this workshop.
Information pooled from research, interviews with guys who are arguably the BEST IN THE WORLD at this part of the "game," killer material with hundreds of tips and techniques…
it is all available to you at any time. You will find the link at the end of this workshop!
Ask Adult Friend Finder (More Hot Advice)
SUCCESS STORY
I took your advice and starting being more forward in emails, cracking jokes and making fun of more stuff. Sounds unorthodox right? Hell NO. I use a dating site that will not let you give an email address through their system, but phone numbers are ok. The women know this already, so they are expecting to get a number from you if you get their attention. More on your book, I work in radio and when you said the voice was one of your best tools to use, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You are right and phone calls are perfect place to practice your sound. Definitely slow down in your speech and a better sound will come from within.
So my point is this: I met this chick on line, gave her my number, she does not call for two days. So I send her an email that says "what, are you playing hard to get already?" The next morning my phone is ringing at 8:30 am. It is her, she feels bad about waking me up, which I bust her balls for and use the fact that I just woke up to bring out the best in my voice. We only have a 4 or 5 minute conversation before I tell her I need to get some more sleep, so I give her MY email address and leave it at that. I get to work later that morning, and here is her email.
D.
I only have a minute before I need to leave for a meeting, but I just wanted to say . . . GREAT voice!
I hope you have a great day you Bum!
Take care!
J.
OUR COMMENTS:
As one a wise man once said:
"YOU OWN HER."
By the way, great insight to MAKE FUN of women who have online personals.
Think of it this way...
A cute woman posts an online personal. She gets 50 emails a day saying, "Oh, you're so beautiful..." and "You sound very interesting, we have a lot in common..." and "I have the same values as you, and I am seeking a relationship as well..."
...and then she sees one that says:
"Hey, I do not think that this picture is really you. What, did you go to the mall and get one of those Glamour Shots done or something? Do you have a real picture? Like you at home on your stairmaster or something? Or do you even work out? OK, stop trying to fool all of us guys, and let us see what you REALLY look like..."
What is she going to do?
Of course, she is going to say to herself, "I will show him", and she is going to send you a bunch of pictures of herself and say, "No, really, this is me!"
NICE IS BORING. And it is never more boring then when it is ONLINE... in a place where there are a million other "nice" guys that have zero personality chasing after her.
And great job telling the woman who called you when you were sleeping that you wanted to go back to sleep... and to email you sometime.
You are doing well. Keep it up!
Let me start by telling you, you 'da man! I really got to hand it to you, your stuff has given me confidence I never had before, and I am just trying to absorb as much of it into my head as possible. I really want to thank you for being able to share this stuff with guys like me and not keeping it to yourself.
Thanks to you, I started to apply the Cocky and Funny angle in chatting rooms and in the real world, and it is a hell of a lot better than the Mr. Nice guy act. However, I use emails and chat to practice my Cocky and Funny angles and it is improving. For example, I have one trick I use and it works on a girl whether she is younger, older, or the same age as me.
I asked one girl her age, and she turned out to be as old as me, 21. I then replied by telling her "ahh forget it, you are too young for me." I assumed that this girl was not used to a rejection like this, and she was intent on knowing how old I was. I told her that I am also 21, and she reacted like most girls do at this part, by laughing and acting stuck up, and asking me how she could possibly be too young for me. I then respond saying something like, "I guess you are right, it is not your age, you just would not be able to handle me," then she reacts like most girls do at this point, continuing to be even more stuck up and laughing sarcastically, while I tell her that I will give her a chance because she wants it so much, and she has 2 minutes to convince me she can handle me. Now this is a great conversation starter, and while she argues the fact that she can handle me, I occasionally send her teasing comments like, "honey, you are wasting my time" or "Why are you not entertaining me" or "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz". I kind of understood how being Cocky works, and if the girl really meant the insults she said to me at first, she still would not be talking to me, right?
After doing this to one particular girl, who turned out to be hot as hell from a photo she sent me, she completely forgot about being stuck up and told me, "ok, I am sorry, let us start over." This is when I realized I had her in my grasp, and I continued being Cocky but turned it down a notch, was this the right thing to do? Around the end I asked her for her email, and she replied by telling me she cancelled it yesterday, a terrible excuse. I persisted and said "yeah sure, just type it down, it will be ok." She stuck to her story, and I gave up and gave her my email which she "supposedly" wrote down.
Now I know I probably should not have backed down on her email, but I thought the conversation was going so great she would actually want me to have her email. Is there something I did wrong for her to refuse giving it to me, and what other ways could I make a girl give me her phone # and/or email? Also, you stress how you should never answer a girl's question directly, to leave her unsure. This happens to be my weakness and I would appreciate a few tips on this too.
Thanks for everything, your reply would really mean a lot. W.C.
OUR COMMENTS:
Great story... and great job.
One thing you have to remember about chat rooms and online IM sessions is that they are great PRACTICE.
Now, I have met some UNBELIEVABLE women on the internet... so do not get me wrong here.
But do not worry too much about any particular girl... or any particular situation.
She could have had a boyfriend, or even a husband... and was just online because she was bored... or any of 100 other scenarios.
When something like this happens, just move on.
The point is that you are using the Internet for a GREAT "practice environment", and you are training your mind to be Cocky & Funny in the moment... which begins to translate into the REAL world as you do it.
To answer your question about how to get a girl to give you her email address and/or number, just do more of what you are already doing...
Keep throwing down the challenges...
Write back and say "Yea, you are probably not that adventurous".
She will say "Yes I am!"
Then say "Well, if you were then you would have asked me for my number and called me already. But you are not. So you did not..."
Keep this up until she asks for YOUR number.
Then, as soon as you hit the "send" button, IM her again quickly to say "I do not hear my phone ringing! Hurry up!"
You will love the results you get from this kind of thing.
But be careful. And get LOTS of CURRENT pictures. Take it from someone who knows...
lol... do not just take her word for it.
QUESTION
As you recommended I started using the Internet as a 'women simulator,' it is great and I think I am doing fine with the cocky and funny stuff. For example, I call my self "too witty for you" and in my description I write "do not please do not... well OK - are you cute?" and it works :-) Sadly, I can not give an example from the chats since they are in Hebrew but you know... it is even funnier in Hebrew.
My question is simple: you said to move quickly from the chat to the phone. Well, do you have a "3 minute phone technique" adopted for the chats? (the problem is that I can not say something like "I am going back to my friends" like I do in a bar).
Thanks,
U.W. from Israel.
OUR COMMENTS:
Nice!
Maybe you can work with us soon on the "Ultimate Comprehensive Guide To Cocky & Funny Online Chat In Hebrew".
When you are online, you have to REALLY go the extra mile and EXXXXXAGGGGERATE everything.
You can not just say "You seem cool, let us talk sometime".
You have to say "You are a pain. I will bet you can not keep this up live on a telephone. You are probably too much of a scardey-cat to even TRY it...".
Work it. Try things. You will find that these kinds of challenges work VERY well online.
SUCCESS STORY
I work in a place that provides internet access to some students so I am actually paid to be online at work. If nothing is going on with our network I have lots of downtime with nothing to do so I decided to start practicing online with women. It is amazing what that one word "brat" can do in a fun playful situation.
Here are a couple of my successes with just that one word....
ME: So you are not a brat are you? HER: See for yourself. -- file transfer…she is sending me a pic without my asking -- ME: This is not one of those nude pics is it? It is way too early in the relationship for anything like that. HER: LOL, no. Did you get it? ME: Yes. HER: Well? ME: I was right. HER: About? ME: You are a brat! HER: What do you mean? ME: I can see it in your smile and in your eyes. You are a brat! HER: lol
NEXT MORNING...receive instant message from her
HER: Hey Sweetie, how are you doing?
Next example:
ME: You are not one of those bratty girls are you?
HER: What if I want to be? ME: Because then I would have to spank you... ME: nah, you might like it too much if I did (TOOK A SHOT IN THE DARK ON THIS ONE) HER: You are right, I would (BINGO! HIT THE JACKPOT) ME: Hmmmmm HER: You can not handle it? ME: Oh that is not the problem, I usually don not have sex on the first date...
(Needless to say, we are getting together very soon)
I was not trying to do anything but have a little fun practicing online and...well, go figure. :-)
Chapter 1
Do You Make These Mistakes?
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Chapter 2
10 Steps To A Great Ad
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Chapter 3
How To Avoid ‘Creeping A Woman Out’
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EXERCISE:
Go right now to an AdultFirendFinder chat room of your choice by clicking on "Join a Chat Room" in the upper right hand corner of your home page. We have rooms by location and rooms devoted to just about every sexy subject you can think of.
Once you familiarize yourself with the room, try out some of the "cocky" approaches to women you have just been reading about.
Before you log out, be sure you try them with more than one person.
Be bold, say things you have heard successful people say, but that you have never quite had the courage to say.
If you are not having any luck in one chat room, go to another.
Set a time limit, and do not give up until time is up!
After doing this for awhile, write down all the cocky lines that get a good response.
Keep a record of what responses you get.
Repeat this on several different occasions and compare notes. Are your lines getting cleverer? Are you getting bolder? Are you getting a better idea of what works? Of what fits your personality?
When you start answering yes to questions in #6, congratulations! You have just begun your new life of online dating success!
Now that you have got the taste of success, try this.
ADVANCED EXERCISE
Based on your notes, pick out some of your best lines.
Then go to a chat room and exaggerate them. Get even more cocky. By this, you may have a pleasant surprise. You may learn that more is better. (Or not). Adjust your approach accordingly.
Experiment with challenges aimed at getting a woman's phone number.
As before, force yourself to keep to a minimum time limit -- do not get discouraged.
Again, if you are not having luck in the European Hot Tub room or the Dirty Thirty room, try the London room or the Ebony Room.
Try to keep at it until you successfully get a phone number.
p style='font-weight:bold; font-size:medium;font-family:"Arial","serif";color:#8A2E2E'>"10 Dangerously Effective Tactics For Meeting Women Online"
Here is the answer key that will give you a detailed breakdown of each test question, along with an explanation of which answers will get you the best results with meeting women online - and why.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You are online and you see a woman that catches your attention. When is the best time to email her?
a) Wednesday at 9 a.m.
b) Friday at 8 p.m. so she sees you have absolutely no plans whatsoever for the weekend.
c) Sunday afternoon… after her dates on Friday and Saturday night turned out to be total losers.
d) It does not matter when you call her.
The Answer:
Want to know a secret about meeting women online… that 99% of men DO NOT know?
Women are much more receptive to getting your emails at SPECIFIC TIMES... and if you send one at the wrong time, you communicate the WRONG message.
Think about it…
Email a woman on a work day in the morning or afternoon… and she will suspect you are unemployed.
Contact her on a Friday or Saturday night… and she will mistake you for just another lonely guy on the net who does not have enough "game" to have plans for the weekend.
One time that works great is emailing a woman on Sunday afternoon. Her dates on Friday and Saturday probably turned out to be total losers… and here you come with your confident, spontaneous, refreshingly edgy approach. Can you say…. BINGO?
2. You are about to email a woman who has some very attractive photos of herself. What is the best angle to take?
a) Prove to her that you are not just picking up random women on the internet.
b)Convince her to like you…show her you are WORTHY of her.
c)Be careful to avoid making a mistake. You do not want to blow it with this one.
d) Subtly communicate that you are a desirable, busy, funny, challenging guy.
The Answer:
Ask any guy who enjoys RIDICULOUS success with women and he will tell you the same thing: your MINDSET makes a huge difference to your success with the ladies. And online is no different.
If your mindset is to prove that you are not a "pick-up artist", you may calm her concerns… but you will not trigger ATTRACTION deep inside her.
Answer B is what most guys do. You unconsciously try to convince a woman that you are WORTHY of her. Of course, if you do this, a woman will IMMEDIATELY put you in the "Wuss" category. It is a HUGE turn-off.
And if you "play it safe" with Answer C… and try not to blow it…. the only powerful emotion you will create within her is BOREDOM. And you can't BORE a woman into feeling attraction for you.
You have to do much more than not "blow it." You have to make her feel something for you…
And you can do this by subtly communicating that you are a desirable, busy, funny, challenging guy. Focus on creating chemistry and "sexual tension." Send the message that the woman you are looking for will make your ALREADY GREAT life even BETTER. Do this and you will create an irresistible urge within her to respond to your email…
And here is the good news… learning how to make a woman feel attraction like this is a skill ANY guy can learn.
Read on…
3. You sit down at your computer to write your profile. What is the best way to write it? it?
a) Write in a comfortable, causal, conversational style… the way you talk. Inject humor, wit, interesting perspectives, and FUN throughout.
b)Describe your life, and the woman you are looking for, as accurately as possible.
c)Write to women as a group, rather than an individual woman reading your profile.
d) Read a bunch of other guys' profiles… and do what they do. You want to “blend in.”
The Answer:
Do you know how many emails the average woman online is bombarded with every day?
The numbers are STAGGERING.
And you know something else?
Most of the profiles a woman reads SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME.
If you want to spark attraction and get noticed, you have to stand out from the pack.
Read 50-100 profiles written by men, notice the similarities, and BE DIFFERENT. Do not be boring and predictable… add adventure at every twist and turn to your page.
Communicate that the woman you are looking for will make your ALREADY GREAT life even BETTER.
Never communicate that you are "not OK" alone… or that you need a woman to fill an empty space in your personality.
Do this… and you won't believe the advantage you will have over all the other men online.
b>4. You are flirting with a woman online. What is the best way to “rev up” her attraction for you?
a) Find reasons to playfully disqualify her… tell her that she lives too far away, or that she is too old/young/short/tall/rich/poor/etc.
b) Misinterpret any personality trait as the negative extreme, and then say, “Ah Ha! I have figured out why you can not get normal guys to talk to you!”
c) Give her a funny nickname… one with a slight “Bratty Little Sister” twist.
d) All of the above.
The Answer:
Have you ever found an attractive woman online… the two of you began chatting… but you quickly did not know what direction to take the interaction…. you could sense you were screwing things up… and you never heard from her again?
So what was your mistake?
Odds are you BORED her… just like 90% of the other guys online.
You need to learn the ways of creating attraction… and then AMPLIFYING it.
Find reasons to playfully disqualify her… tell her that she lives too far away… etc.
Misinterpret any personality trait as its opposite extreme.
Give her a funny nickname with a "bratty little sister" feel to it.
When you "bust" on her like this, you show that you are confident, funny, and independent… and she will have a strangely powerful emotional craving to find out ALL about you…
5. What is the best way to really "impress" a woman online?
a) Tell her that she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous… and that you would like to take her to a nice restaurant.
b) Describe yourself as an average guy… so that she is not intimidated by you.
c) Let her know in an indirect way that you have high standards with women. Discuss your avoidance of crazy chicks, the fact that attractive women can be flaky, etc.
d) Tell her you are really easy-going and are not too picky about anything. It will help her relax, and make a meeting with her easy to set up.
The Answer:
This one is sort of a "trick question"…
You see, you should not be concerned with IMPRESSING A WOMAN at all.
But, of course, this is where 99% of men come from when they try to meet a woman online. And women HATE IT. They are not IMPRESSED by you trying to IMPRESS them. In fact, it actually has a NEGATIVE effect.
The best way to leave an impression is to NOT try to leave an impression.
Instead of convincing her that you are a great guy, let her know that you have high standards. Instead of seeking her approval, get her to seek YOURS.
Do it in an indirect, subtle way… mention that you avoid crazy chicks… that you find attractive women annoyingly flakey… and you will make 10 times the impact than if you came out directly and simply said, "I have high standards when it comes to women."
Stop trying to impress her… and start questioning whether or not she will meet YOUR standards… and she will be compelled to impress you in all sorts of interesting ways…
6. You are deciding which photos to include in your profile. What is the best approach?
a) Do not include a picture of yourself. This way she will have nothing to object to.
b) If you have a nice body, post lots of pics with your shirt off… women love this stuff.
c) Use old pictures of yourself when you were thinner, had more hair, and were better looking in general.
d) Take lots of digital pictures of yourself from different angles. Get feedback from women on which ones are the best.
The Answer:
As you probably already know, profiles with photos get something like 7 times the response rate as profiles without.
You NEED photos… the only question is: what kind?
You definitely do not want to use OLD pictures of yourself (Answer C). Even if you have put on a few pounds, or you spend more money on Rogaine than on hairspray these days… you still need to post recent, accurate pictures.
If you have any experience at all meeting women online, I am sure you have experienced meeting a woman who turned out to be older, heavier, wrinklier, etc., than her photos showed.
You know this situation SUCKS. So do not allow yourself to do this to anyone ELSE.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you happen to be relatively good looking and are fit, do not make the mistake of including photos that are obviously showing off what you have. When a quality woman sees pics like these, the first thought she will have is "What a jack-ass."
It is much better to include photos that suggest or hint at the fact you have some attractive physical qualities… without sticking it right in her face. It is much better to be subtle about it… and leave her wanting to see more… than giving her the whole meal in one bite.
But do not worry… you do not need to look like a model to succeed with women online. Lord knows I do not….
The trick is to make the most of what you have got. Whatever your looks, good photos can raise your "hunk score" by a couple of notches…
Take the time to take lots of different pictures of yourself. Test different angles… cropping… looking into the camera or away from it… and try taking pictures looking into a mirror.
Then get feedback from women. Test your pictures at one of the online dating sites… one I enjoy is HotOrNot.com
And do not sweat too much about your looks. Women have different tastes when it comes to men… good grooming makes up for a lot in the looks department… and the more comfortable you are with whatever your "level" of looks, the more attractive she will see you.
b>7. What’s one thing you should never have in your profile?
a) A picture of your new sports car.
b) A picture of your mom.
c) A picture of you with 3 "Hooter's Girls."
d) A graphic description of the deep heartache your high-school sweet heart caused you… and your acceptance of the fact that it will never fade away.
The Answer:
You do not want a picture of your car (Answer A). While women want a guy who is successful, throwing it in her face looks like you are bragging… it suggests that it is ALL you have got… and that you are not confident enough to attract her with your personality alone.
Yes, women want to see that you can develop relationships with other women, but when they see you posing with a couple of hooter girls (Answer C)… it just makes you look like a cheesy "frat-boy" who can only meet attractive women when they are PAID to talk to you. Post a picture with you and some cute girlfriends instead.
But a picture of your mom, Answer B, shows that you are connected to your family. Women love a man with strong family ties. Do not make this your main pic, but if you have it on your profile somewhere… it is definitely a bonus.
8. You email a woman online, and she writes back. You can sense the two of you are hitting it off. When should you suggest talking on the phone?
a) It does not matter when you respond. Follow her lead. She will give you signals when she is ready to move things forward.
b)The first time you chat with her, or your first or second email.
c) You have already blown it. The very first email you send should describe an elaborate and fancy date so you impress her, sweep her off her feet, and make her head-over-heels in love with you.
d) You should proceed very slowly. Email back and forth at least 8 or 9 times before you transition to the phone. She needs to really get to know you first and trust you first. And there is no rush… after all, you are the only guy she is emailing, right?
The Answer:
One of the things that bugs women the MOST is when a man keeps emailing and emailing (Answer D)… and never has the courage to move things from "virtual" to "real." Women quickly lose patience… and set up dates with other guys who are simply more assertive.
And if you are waiting for her to give you "clues" that she is ready to transition to the phone (Answer A)… you are going to wait a LONG time. Why? While you are waiting for HER to give you a clue… she is waiting for YOU to take the lead and suggest a phone conversation.
Two people waiting for the other to make the first "move"… it is a sad sight.
On the other hand, you do not need to "bribe" her with an expensive dinner (Answer C) just to get her time and attention. Offer too much too soon and she will put you in the "wuss" category… and you will never hear from her again.
Instead, get her IM address, chat with her for a bit, then say "let us have a real conversation like normal people do… on the phone." Or suggest the same thing via email… but do not wait for weeks before you pull the trigger.
9. You have certain age/weight/looks requirements for the kind of woman you would like to meet online. You know that many women are older, heavier, and just different from the way they look in their pictures. What is the best way to avoid being unpleasantly surprised when you finally meet her?
a) Do not do anything. You will see what she looks like when you meet her face to face. If you do not like what you see, all you have wasted is one evening… and money for dinner.
b) Clarify in your profile that you are looking for a blonde, 5’10”, 125, with double D’s. When you get her on the phone, ask her how much she weighs… AND her cup size.
c) Get several pictures, from different angles, before you agree to meet. Ask her how long ago the pictures were taken.
d) When it is time to meet in person, hide-out somewhere close by. If she is a wildebeest, leave before she sees you… put her on your “do not contact me in a million years list"… and change your profile name so she will never contact you again.
The Answer:
One of the most common mistakes guys make online… is also the most PREVENTABLE.
Here is the story:
You meet a woman online. She looks cute. You email, she responds. You think, "Nice, she is a cutie," but when you finally meet her face to face… she is NOTHING like her photos. She goes from a 9 to a 3.
Ouch.
But if you think about it for a second, you will realize that it is not just painful for YOU… it is painful for her, too.
Do you think she can not read the look of disappointment in your face… despite your best efforts to cover it up?
Do yourself – and HER - a favor by proactively preventing this from happening.
So… how?
Well, you do not do it by talking about breast size, weight, or cup size in your profile (Answer B)…unless you want to send a clear message to quality women that you are just another shallow guy looking for easy sex on the net.
Instead, be a stickler about getting multiple pics. If she only has 1 or 2 in her profile, ask for more. And ask how RECENT the pictures are.
And as back up, stick to tea or coffee for the first meeting. If she misrepresented herself in her pictures, you can get out of there in no time flat.
Nice.
10. You are emailing a lot of women online, but getting very few responses. What is the best thing you can do?
a) Give up… there must be something deep inside of you that tragically prevents you from succeeding with women.
b) Do the same thing you have been doing… keep your profile and emails the same… and hope that eventually the numbers will work in your favor. If you contact enough women, some of them have to respond, right?
c) Find pictures of a male model… and put them in your profile. Women are only attracted to good looking guys, anyway.
d) Realize it is not about YOU… it is about your approach. Get an education on how to succeed with meeting women online… test and systemize… and create variations on the themes that work for you.
Your Answer:
The sad truth is this:
Most men struggle with meeting women online.
And it is tragic how common it is for a man to keep on using the same approach… even when he is not getting the results he wants.
It is easy to fall into the "if I just try HARDER" trap (Answer B). But YOU do not have to…
If you are not succeeding online, realize it is not about YOU… it is about your STRATEGY.
Educate yourself with the proven theory AND specific techniques in this workshop. They work like gangbusters to meet women online. Take the ideas you learn… test them systematically… and find unique variations on the themes that work best for you.
When you do, meeting boatloads of attractive, quality women online will be like shooting fish in a barrel… but TWICE the fun.
And as you see how well these heavily researched methods work, you will probably want more. Do not worry, you can continue to access strategies that will help you hone your style far beyond this workshop.
Information pooled from research, interviews with guys who are arguably the BEST IN THE WORLD at this part of the "game," killer material with hundreds of tips and techniques…
it is all available to you at any time. You will find the link at the end of this workshop!
Ask Adult Friend Finder (More Hot Advice)
SUCCESS STORY
I took your advice and starting being more forward in emails, cracking jokes and making fun of more stuff. Sounds unorthodox right? Hell NO. I use a dating site that will not let you give an email address through their system, but phone numbers are ok. The women know this already, so they are expecting to get a number from you if you get their attention. More on your book, I work in radio and when you said the voice was one of your best tools to use, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You are right and phone calls are perfect place to practice your sound. Definitely slow down in your speech and a better sound will come from within.
So my point is this: I met this chick on line, gave her my number, she does not call for two days. So I send her an email that says "what, are you playing hard to get already?" The next morning my phone is ringing at 8:30 am. It is her, she feels bad about waking me up, which I bust her balls for and use the fact that I just woke up to bring out the best in my voice. We only have a 4 or 5 minute conversation before I tell her I need to get some more sleep, so I give her MY email address and leave it at that. I get to work later that morning, and here is her email.
D.
I only have a minute before I need to leave for a meeting, but I just wanted to say . . . GREAT voice!
I hope you have a great day you Bum!
Take care!
J.
OUR COMMENTS:
As one a wise man once said:
"YOU OWN HER."
By the way, great insight to MAKE FUN of women who have online personals.
Think of it this way...
A cute woman posts an online personal. She gets 50 emails a day saying, "Oh, you're so beautiful..." and "You sound very interesting, we have a lot in common..." and "I have the same values as you, and I am seeking a relationship as well..."
...and then she sees one that says:
"Hey, I do not think that this picture is really you. What, did you go to the mall and get one of those Glamour Shots done or something? Do you have a real picture? Like you at home on your stairmaster or something? Or do you even work out? OK, stop trying to fool all of us guys, and let us see what you REALLY look like..."
What is she going to do?
Of course, she is going to say to herself, "I will show him", and she is going to send you a bunch of pictures of herself and say, "No, really, this is me!"
NICE IS BORING. And it is never more boring then when it is ONLINE... in a place where there are a million other "nice" guys that have zero personality chasing after her.
And great job telling the woman who called you when you were sleeping that you wanted to go back to sleep... and to email you sometime.
You are doing well. Keep it up!
Let me start by telling you, you 'da man! I really got to hand it to you, your stuff has given me confidence I never had before, and I am just trying to absorb as much of it into my head as possible. I really want to thank you for being able to share this stuff with guys like me and not keeping it to yourself.
Thanks to you, I started to apply the Cocky and Funny angle in chatting rooms and in the real world, and it is a hell of a lot better than the Mr. Nice guy act. However, I use emails and chat to practice my Cocky and Funny angles and it is improving. For example, I have one trick I use and it works on a girl whether she is younger, older, or the same age as me.
I asked one girl her age, and she turned out to be as old as me, 21. I then replied by telling her "ahh forget it, you are too young for me." I assumed that this girl was not used to a rejection like this, and she was intent on knowing how old I was. I told her that I am also 21, and she reacted like most girls do at this part, by laughing and acting stuck up, and asking me how she could possibly be too young for me. I then respond saying something like, "I guess you are right, it is not your age, you just would not be able to handle me," then she reacts like most girls do at this point, continuing to be even more stuck up and laughing sarcastically, while I tell her that I will give her a chance because she wants it so much, and she has 2 minutes to convince me she can handle me. Now this is a great conversation starter, and while she argues the fact that she can handle me, I occasionally send her teasing comments like, "honey, you are wasting my time" or "Why are you not entertaining me" or "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz". I kind of understood how being Cocky works, and if the girl really meant the insults she said to me at first, she still would not be talking to me, right?
After doing this to one particular girl, who turned out to be hot as hell from a photo she sent me, she completely forgot about being stuck up and told me, "ok, I am sorry, let us start over." This is when I realized I had her in my grasp, and I continued being Cocky but turned it down a notch, was this the right thing to do? Around the end I asked her for her email, and she replied by telling me she cancelled it yesterday, a terrible excuse. I persisted and said "yeah sure, just type it down, it will be ok." She stuck to her story, and I gave up and gave her my email which she "supposedly" wrote down.
Now I know I probably should not have backed down on her email, but I thought the conversation was going so great she would actually want me to have her email. Is there something I did wrong for her to refuse giving it to me, and what other ways could I make a girl give me her phone # and/or email? Also, you stress how you should never answer a girl's question directly, to leave her unsure. This happens to be my weakness and I would appreciate a few tips on this too.
Thanks for everything, your reply would really mean a lot. W.C.
OUR COMMENTS:
Great story... and great job.
One thing you have to remember about chat rooms and online IM sessions is that they are great PRACTICE.
Now, I have met some UNBELIEVABLE women on the internet... so do not get me wrong here.
But do not worry too much about any particular girl... or any particular situation.
She could have had a boyfriend, or even a husband... and was just online because she was bored... or any of 100 other scenarios.
When something like this happens, just move on.
The point is that you are using the Internet for a GREAT "practice environment", and you are training your mind to be Cocky & Funny in the moment... which begins to translate into the REAL world as you do it.
To answer your question about how to get a girl to give you her email address and/or number, just do more of what you are already doing...
Keep throwing down the challenges...
Write back and say "Yea, you are probably not that adventurous".
She will say "Yes I am!"
Then say "Well, if you were then you would have asked me for my number and called me already. But you are not. So you did not..."
Keep this up until she asks for YOUR number.
Then, as soon as you hit the "send" button, IM her again quickly to say "I do not hear my phone ringing! Hurry up!"
You will love the results you get from this kind of thing.
But be careful. And get LOTS of CURRENT pictures. Take it from someone who knows...
lol... do not just take her word for it.
QUESTION
As you recommended I started using the Internet as a 'women simulator,' it is great and I think I am doing fine with the cocky and funny stuff. For example, I call my self "too witty for you" and in my description I write "do not please do not... well OK - are you cute?" and it works :-) Sadly, I can not give an example from the chats since they are in Hebrew but you know... it is even funnier in Hebrew.
My question is simple: you said to move quickly from the chat to the phone. Well, do you have a "3 minute phone technique" adopted for the chats? (the problem is that I can not say something like "I am going back to my friends" like I do in a bar).
Thanks,
U.W. from Israel.
OUR COMMENTS:
Nice!
Maybe you can work with us soon on the "Ultimate Comprehensive Guide To Cocky & Funny Online Chat In Hebrew".
When you are online, you have to REALLY go the extra mile and EXXXXXAGGGGERATE everything.
You can not just say "You seem cool, let us talk sometime".
You have to say "You are a pain. I will bet you can not keep this up live on a telephone. You are probably too much of a scardey-cat to even TRY it...".
Work it. Try things. You will find that these kinds of challenges work VERY well online.
SUCCESS STORY
I work in a place that provides internet access to some students so I am actually paid to be online at work. If nothing is going on with our network I have lots of downtime with nothing to do so I decided to start practicing online with women. It is amazing what that one word "brat" can do in a fun playful situation.
Here are a couple of my successes with just that one word....
ME: So you are not a brat are you? HER: See for yourself. -- file transfer…she is sending me a pic without my asking -- ME: This is not one of those nude pics is it? It is way too early in the relationship for anything like that. HER: LOL, no. Did you get it? ME: Yes.
NEXT MORNING...receive instant message from her
HER: Hey Sweetie, how are you doing?
Next example:
ME: You are not one of those bratty girls are you?
HER: What if I want to be? ME: Because then I would have to spank you... ME: nah, you might like it too much if I did (TOOK A SHOT IN THE DARK ON THIS ONE) HER: You are right, I would (BINGO! HIT THE JACKPOT) ME: Hmmmmm HER: You can not handle it? ME: Oh that is not the problem, I usually don not have sex on the first date...
(Needless to say, we are getting together very soon)
I was not trying to do anything but have a little fun practicing online and...well, go figure. :-)
Chapter 1
Do You Make These Mistakes?
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Chapter 2
10 Steps To A Great Ad
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Chapter 3
How To Avoid ‘Creeping A Woman Out’
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EXERCISE:
Go right now to an AdultFirendFinder chat room of your choice by clicking on "Join a Chat Room" in the upper right hand corner of your home page. We have rooms by location and rooms devoted to just about every sexy subject you can think of.
Once you familiarize yourself with the room, try out some of the "cocky" approaches to women you have just been reading about.
Before you log out, be sure you try them with more than one person.
Be bold, say things you have heard successful people say, but that you have never quite had the courage to say.
If you are not having any luck in one chat room, go to another.
Set a time limit, and do not give up until time is up!
After doing this for awhile, write down all the cocky lines that get a good response.
Keep a record of what responses you get.
Repeat this on several different occasions and compare notes. Are your lines getting cleverer? Are you getting bolder? Are you getting a better idea of what works? Of what fits your personality?
When you start answering yes to questions in #6, congratulations! You have just begun your new life of online dating success!
Now that you have got the taste of success, try this.
ADVANCED EXERCISE
Based on your notes, pick out some of your best lines.
Then go to a chat room and exaggerate them. Get even more cocky. By this, you may have a pleasant surprise. You may learn that more is better. (Or not). Adjust your approach accordingly.
Experiment with challenges aimed at getting a woman's phone number.
As before, force yourself to keep to a minimum time limit -- do not get discouraged.
Again, if you are not having luck in the European Hot Tub room or the Dirty Thirty room, try the London room or the Ebony Room.
Try to keep at it until you successfully get a phone number.
Sex Tools: Uncommon Sense - find this funny too
1:Sex Tools: Uncommon Sense
THREE BIG MYTHS AND
MISCONCEPTIONS
Myth #1: Sex products are artificial. Sex should be natural, and using sex products makes it fake.
Truth: Sex products are natural. People have been using sex toys and erotica for tens of thousands of years, if not longer. Even animals use sex toys! Chimps and gorillas, just for one example, have been observed breaking branches and using them for masturbation.
More important truth: We do lots of wonderful things that aren't "natural." We go to the cinema, ride bicycles, wear clothing, cook gourmet meals... the list goes on forever. Eating is one of the most basic natural impulses -- and yet we've added thousands of splendid enhancements to it, without worrying about being "unnatural."
Sex is a natural impulse, of course -- but it's also social and cultural, something we learn, with practices that vary enormously around the world and throughout history. We humans are apes with big, efficient brains, and using those brains to gain skills and use tools is as natural to us as spinning webs is to spiders.
Practical lesson: If you start worrying about whether sex toys are "natural" or not, ask yourself how often you worry about the "unnatural" act of marinating a steak or going to a good restaurant. And then relax.
Myth #2: Sex products reduce spontaneity. Sex should flow freely and impulsively from whatever's happening in the moment, and using sex products interrupts that immediacy.
Truth: Using sex products can be very spontaneous. It doesn't have to interfere with the moment -- with a little practice, you'll find that using sex toys is as spontaneous as fucking and sucking. (This is an important myth and a very common one, and we'll talk a lot more about it later in the workshop -- with some very specific strategies on how you can make sex toys part of your spontaneous sexual flow.)
More important truth: The spontaneity of sex is both over-stated and over-rated. We do things to prepare for sex all the time. Just a few examples:
* We shower and shave
* We pick out clothes that make us attractive
* We put clean sheets on the bed for a hot date
* We use birth control
And we stop in the middle of sex for all kinds of things:
* We put on condoms or diaphragms
* We shift positions
* We take trips to the bathroom
* We stop to get that sudden muscle cramp out of our leg
Myth #3: If you "need" to use sex toys, you're not a good enough lover by yourself.
Truth: Using sex toys means you're a better lover, not a worse one. It means you're creative, confident, flexible, playful, open to new ideas... and that you care about your partner's pleasure as much as your own.
More important truth: There is no more important truth. Not when it comes to this myth. I can't emphasize it enough: If you use them right, sex toys and other sex products can help make you the hottest ticket in town. And it can open erotic doors you didn't know existed, both for your partner and for yourself.
Practical lesson: Think of sex toys, not as substitutes for sex techniques or body parts, but as tools. You wouldn't think of yourself as a bad carpenter for "needing" a hammer -- just the opposite. You'd think of yourself as a better carpenter for knowing which hammer to use and how to use it. Try thinking of sex toys the same way.
Which brings us, conveniently enough, to the next section of this module!
1:Sex Tools: Uncommon Sense
TOYS AND
TOOLS
You may still be feeling a little uncomfortable about sex toys. You might be fine with sex toys in theory, but feel weird about actually using them in your own sex life. Or you might be totally fine with using sex toys for masturbation, but still feel uncertain about using them with your partner.
So here's a way that can help you feel more comfortable with sex toys. For the rest of this section, let's not call them sex toys. Let's call them sex tools.
I'll bet you don't think you're unnatural or incompetent for using tools. Reaching for a tool -- whether it's a hammer or a kitchen knife, a lawn mower or a calculator -- feels like the most natural, comfortable thing in the world.
You wanna know a secret? Once you have some familiarity and experience with them, sex tools feel exactly the same way.
Now, some people think that sex is different, that it's a natural act that shouldn't need tools. But think about eating, or finding and making shelter. These are two of the most natural acts in the world -- and you use tools for them all the time, to make our food and our homes safer and more enjoyable.
So let's talk about a few specific sex toys -- excuse me, sex tools -- and how treating them as tools can help make you more comfortable using them...
and make you a better lover.
VIBRATORS
The Myth: A lot of men think that if their partner "has to" use a vibrator to have an orgasm, it means they aren't a good enough lover. They think they should be able to make their partner come with just their dick and their mouth and their hands. And a lot of women think there's something wrong with them if they can't get off just with fucking and sucking.
The Truth: The reality is that a lot of women have a hard time getting off, and most women don't get off through fucking alone. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you or your partner -- it's just an accident of how female anatomy evolved.
Practical lesson: Think of a vibrator as a tool, a tool you're using to help get your partner (or yourself) off. It's kind of like using a blender for margaritas -- yes, you could pound the ice by hand all night, but isn't it faster and more fun to let the blender do it, so you can pay attention to the party? Using a vibrator doesn't make you inadequate -- just the opposite. It makes you more than adequate. It makes you a good lover, someone who knows what tools to use for the job, and who knows how to use them right.
LUBE
The Myth: This one is huge. Lots of men think that if their partner isn't wet, it means she isn't turned on. And they blame themselves -- they think it's because their foreplay isn't working, or she's distracted, or isn't really attracted to them. It's not just men -- lots of women think if they're not wet, there's something wrong with them -- that they're not really into it, even if they thought they were. So both men and women can see "needing" to use lube as a sexual failure.
The Truth: There are loads of reasons why a woman might not get wet -- reasons that have nothing to do with whether she's turned on.
* Certain common medicines that make your membranes dry -- including the membranes in your fanny. (Decongestants are one of the biggest culprits.)
* Recreational drugs, which can have the same effect -especially smoking weed.
* Medical conditions.
* Aging.
* Where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
* Just plain old everyday stress.
All of these can keep a woman from getting wet -- even if she's otherwise completely turned on and into it.
Practical lesson: Think of lube as a tool: a tool you're using to help you and your partner enjoy sex. It's like using cooking oil in your frying pan, or motor oil in your car -- it just keeps everything moving along smoothly. Using it doesn't make you or your foreplay techniques a failure. It makes you a success, someone who can successfully use the right tool to make fucking more comfortable and pleasurable for both of you. (And it's absolutely essential if you're going to explore anal sex.)
DILDOS
The Myth: If you're a guy, dildos may make you more uncomfortable than any other sex tool around. A lot of guys take dildos as a personal threat to their masculinity, an insult to their virility and capability. To put it bluntly, a lot of guys think that if they "need" to use dildos with their partner, it means they can't get it up -- or keep it up long enough.
The Truth: The reality is that dildos don't have to be a substitute for a hard dick. They can simply be an addition to it. You know how we talked about how many women have a hard time getting off, and take longer than men? The wonderful flip side is that women can often come for much longer than men, and can do it more often.
So a woman may want to keep on going long after their partner is done. And this makes a dildo a good tool -- as good as a vibrator. For women who need more time, either to reach their first orgasm or to finish their last one, a dildo can be an extremely useful supplement to regular fucking.
The other reality is that dicks sometimes don't work the way you want them to. Sometimes hard-ons do take a temporary vacation, for a few minutes or a whole evening. And it doesn't mean a damn thing about your manliness or your skill. It could mean any of the following:
* You're on medication that's affecting your erection.
* You're on recreational drugs, ditto.
* You're a cigarette smoker. (Smoking is one of the major causes of erectile dysfunction. If you want a reason to quit, that's a great one.)
* You have a medical or health condition that's affecting your hard-on.
* You're just plain old tired or stressed.
All these factors and more can keep a guy from getting it up even if he's turned on and wants to do it -- just like they can keep a woman from getting wet even if she's turned on and wants to do it.
DILDOS cont...
Now, if you invest your entire sense of sexual self-worth into your hard-on, this can be a real buzz-kill to an otherwise wonderful encounter. But if you're comfortable using a dildo, you can turn these temporary technical difficulties into opportunities for dirty dirty fun. (Do you like watching porn? Dildos can turn your bedroom into your very own porn studio -- sit back, and enjoy the show!)
And wait 'til you get to the Spontaneity module, where you'll learn about many more sexy games you can play with dildos.)
USING SEX TOYS TO MAKE YOURSELF A MORE ATTRACTIVE LOVER AND ENHANCE
YOUR SEX LIFE
I confess -- I cheated a little bit here. I snuck a lot of this lesson into the last couple of sections, and I'll be sneaking even more of it in as we go. Hell, this lesson is really what the entire workshop is all about.
But let's talk for a moment in more general terms, about how comfort and familiarity with sex toys can make you a more attractive lover -- and how it can make sex hotter and more intimate for both of you. Later on, you'll be getting some more specific practical tips on trying these principles in your own bedroom. Let's get a sense of the big picture first.
You can use sex toys to give you confidence and help you relax. Sex toys make it easier to help get your partner or yourself off... which means you don't have to have nearly the same level of performance anxiety. And confidence and relaxation are always attractive and sexy.
You can use sex toys to expand your repertoire. The more you use sex toys, the more tricks you'll have up your sleeve. You'll be turning yourself into a more creative lover... which will make you more attractive, and give both you and your partner more pleasure in bed.
USING SEX TOYS TO MAKE YOURSELF A
MORE ATTRACTIVE LOVER AND ENHANCE
YOUR SEX LIFE cont...
You can use sex toys to make yourself more flexible. Once you start using sex toys, your entire approach to sex will change. You won't just have a few new tricks up your sleeve (although that's certainly a fine thing). You'll see a whole world of sexual options open up... options much more vast than a set of possible formations for interlocking bodies.
You can use sex toys to make yourself a more caring partner. A lover who likes using sex toys with their partner is a lover who pays attention to their partner's pleasure. And that's one of the most attractive traits you can have.
You can use sex toys to just feel good. Sex toys are fun. They can do all these other wonderful things for your confidence and your skill -- but they also can just make you and your partner feel good and get off. You don't need any other reason to use them.
And you know what, guys? Sex toys aren't just about getting women off. They make sex toys for men, too. There are certainly more toys made for women -- but lots of toys are made specifically for men, and they're getting better all the time. And plenty of toys work great for both women and men.
SEX TOYS IN RELATIONSHIPS WHY COUPLES USE THEM, AND HOW THEY CAN IMPROVE BOTH THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE SEX
Once again, I'm cheating a bit here. All the stuff we just said about how to use sex toys to make yourself more attractive and skillful and have more fun in bed... all of it applies to couples in long-term relationships.
Of course it'll help all you swinging singles -- and more power to you! But there are special benefits that using sex toys together can give to couples... whether you've been together two months or twenty years.
* You can use sex toys to increase intimacy.
* Trying new things together creates a bond between you -- especially when you try new sexual things.
* If one or both of you is nervous at first, overcoming that nervousness and finding pleasure on the other side can create a very intense connection.
* Using sex toys can be a delightful naughty secret that just the two of you share -- and that's always a good time.
You can use sex toys to alleviate boredom. Even the best long-term relationships can fall into a sexual rut. Once you've learned each other's lovely sexual quirks, it's easy to just keep doing those same things. But trying sex toys together is a great way to re-capture that sense of newness you had when you were starting out.
And variations like sex toys can make the old favorites a whole lot more fun. When you have more variety, the old favorites have less of a sense of, "Same old same old," and more of a sense of, "Oh, yeah! We haven't done this for a while. This is great!"
SEX TOYS IN RELATIONSHIPS WHY COUPLES USE THEM, AND HOW THEY CAN IMPROVE BOTH THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE SEX
cont...
You can use sex toys to open other doors. Sex toys can be like a gateway drug. Once you've started experimenting with toys, you'll both be more comfortable exploring in other ways:
* acting out fantasies
* doing it in different places
* dressing up in sexy costumes or outfits
* generally trying more sexual variations
You can use sex toys to just feel good. Anything you do to make sex more of a pleasure for each other is going to make your relationship stronger and more of a pleasure for both of you. You don't need any other reason. The more you can make each other feel good, the happier you'll be together.
These are just a few reasons you might use sex toys -- whether you're a swinging single or a committed long-termer (or for that matter, a committed long-term swinger!). So now we have the all-important question -- HOW do you use sex toys?
Specifically, how do you use them together?
The next module is all about the do's and don'ts of sharing sex toys. You'll be learning:
STILL WEIRDED OUT? TRY THIS EXERCISE
If you are interested in using sex toys but there is still something that freaks you out about them, try this simple exercise.
1. Write down on a piece of paper all the things about sex toys that make you uncomfortable.
2. Now look at the things that makes you uncomfortable -- and strategize about each of them as a separate issue, instead of seeing them as all one big problem with sex toys in general. Many of the problems you might have with sex toys can be handled by something as simple as choosing the right sex toy... or changing the way you use them in your sex life.
For instance:
If your problem is that sex toys physically get in the way of sex, choose toys that are smaller and more versatile -- smaller battery-powered vibrators, for instance, instead of the bigger plug-in kind.
If your problem is that sex toys look ugly and un-sexy (and I agree, many of them do), choose higher-end sex toys that are designed to look as good as they feel.
If your problem is that you feel left out when your partner uses sex toys during sex with you, find ways to play with your partner while they are using sex toys on themselves -- or choose toys that you can use together.
If your problem with dildos is that they look too much like dicks and you do not want another dick in your bed, use dildos with a less realistic look. Get a dildo made of clear acrylic or glass; a dildo with space-age curves and fluting; a dildo that is bright green.
If your problem is that sex toys interrupt the moment and kill the mood... well, we will be talking a lot more about that later on. We have an entire module devoted to it. But for now, here is one important tip: Keep your sex toys close to your bed (or wherever you have sex), well-organized and in a place that is easy to reach, so you do not spend more than a few seconds digging one out and bringing it into bed with you.
These are obviously just a few examples. But hopefully they will give you the idea. If you can figure out what -- exactly -- is making you uneasy about sex toys, you will have an easier time finding a way around it.
HOMEWORK
CAN BE FUN!
Your homework assignment for this chapter: Start a conversation! Adult Friend Finder has a bunch of chat threads and discussion groups.
Your assignment is to get into one of them and start a conversation about sex toys -- or get into a conversation that's already happening! Ask other Friend Finder folks about their experiences with sex toys -- not just which ones they like (although that's good information, too), but why they use sex toys and what they get out of it, what it was like when they were first experimenting with them and how they feel about them now.
QUIZ FOR MODULE #1
Before you pass on to the next module, here's a quiz to tell you if you've passed this one:
1. Why do most people use sex toys and products?
a) Their sex life has reached a plateau, and they need something kinky to keep their interest alive.
b) They don't mind interruptions and sex that is not spontaneous.
c) Their sex life is probably a priority in their lives.
d) They aren't good enough lovers to get their partners off by themselves.
2. How do sex toys affect most people's sex lives?
a) Toys make you a more methodical lover, less impulsive and animalistic.
b) Toys make you a lazy lover, dependent on toys to get yourself or your partner off.
c) Toys make you more attractive by making you more creative and relaxed in bed.
d) Toys diminish your confidence about your own ability to please your partner.
3. Dildos are:
a) A substitute for a penis, for men who have trouble getting it up.
b) A tool for sexual penetration, to supplement penises and other body parts.
c) Mostly for lesbians.
d) A sign that there's something wrong with your sex life.
4. Women usually use lube because:
a) They aren't turned on, and don't really want to have sex.
b) They are turned on, but aren't getting as wet as they'd like.
c) Their partners aren't good enough lovers to make them wet.
d) All of the above.
5. Vibrators are:
a) Good for masturbation, but get in the way during lovemaking.
b) Good for women who are too tense to come the natural way
c) Good for men who aren't skilled enough to make their partners come.
d) Good for both women and men.
Answers: 1c, 2c, 3b, 4b, 5d
If you got four or more right, you're ready for the next step!
THREE BIG MYTHS AND
MISCONCEPTIONS
Myth #1: Sex products are artificial. Sex should be natural, and using sex products makes it fake.
Truth: Sex products are natural. People have been using sex toys and erotica for tens of thousands of years, if not longer. Even animals use sex toys! Chimps and gorillas, just for one example, have been observed breaking branches and using them for masturbation.
More important truth: We do lots of wonderful things that aren't "natural." We go to the cinema, ride bicycles, wear clothing, cook gourmet meals... the list goes on forever. Eating is one of the most basic natural impulses -- and yet we've added thousands of splendid enhancements to it, without worrying about being "unnatural."
Sex is a natural impulse, of course -- but it's also social and cultural, something we learn, with practices that vary enormously around the world and throughout history. We humans are apes with big, efficient brains, and using those brains to gain skills and use tools is as natural to us as spinning webs is to spiders.
Practical lesson: If you start worrying about whether sex toys are "natural" or not, ask yourself how often you worry about the "unnatural" act of marinating a steak or going to a good restaurant. And then relax.
Myth #2: Sex products reduce spontaneity. Sex should flow freely and impulsively from whatever's happening in the moment, and using sex products interrupts that immediacy.
Truth: Using sex products can be very spontaneous. It doesn't have to interfere with the moment -- with a little practice, you'll find that using sex toys is as spontaneous as fucking and sucking. (This is an important myth and a very common one, and we'll talk a lot more about it later in the workshop -- with some very specific strategies on how you can make sex toys part of your spontaneous sexual flow.)
More important truth: The spontaneity of sex is both over-stated and over-rated. We do things to prepare for sex all the time. Just a few examples:
* We shower and shave
* We pick out clothes that make us attractive
* We put clean sheets on the bed for a hot date
* We use birth control
And we stop in the middle of sex for all kinds of things:
* We put on condoms or diaphragms
* We shift positions
* We take trips to the bathroom
* We stop to get that sudden muscle cramp out of our leg
Myth #3: If you "need" to use sex toys, you're not a good enough lover by yourself.
Truth: Using sex toys means you're a better lover, not a worse one. It means you're creative, confident, flexible, playful, open to new ideas... and that you care about your partner's pleasure as much as your own.
More important truth: There is no more important truth. Not when it comes to this myth. I can't emphasize it enough: If you use them right, sex toys and other sex products can help make you the hottest ticket in town. And it can open erotic doors you didn't know existed, both for your partner and for yourself.
Practical lesson: Think of sex toys, not as substitutes for sex techniques or body parts, but as tools. You wouldn't think of yourself as a bad carpenter for "needing" a hammer -- just the opposite. You'd think of yourself as a better carpenter for knowing which hammer to use and how to use it. Try thinking of sex toys the same way.
Which brings us, conveniently enough, to the next section of this module!
1:Sex Tools: Uncommon Sense
TOYS AND
TOOLS
You may still be feeling a little uncomfortable about sex toys. You might be fine with sex toys in theory, but feel weird about actually using them in your own sex life. Or you might be totally fine with using sex toys for masturbation, but still feel uncertain about using them with your partner.
So here's a way that can help you feel more comfortable with sex toys. For the rest of this section, let's not call them sex toys. Let's call them sex tools.
I'll bet you don't think you're unnatural or incompetent for using tools. Reaching for a tool -- whether it's a hammer or a kitchen knife, a lawn mower or a calculator -- feels like the most natural, comfortable thing in the world.
You wanna know a secret? Once you have some familiarity and experience with them, sex tools feel exactly the same way.
Now, some people think that sex is different, that it's a natural act that shouldn't need tools. But think about eating, or finding and making shelter. These are two of the most natural acts in the world -- and you use tools for them all the time, to make our food and our homes safer and more enjoyable.
So let's talk about a few specific sex toys -- excuse me, sex tools -- and how treating them as tools can help make you more comfortable using them...
and make you a better lover.
VIBRATORS
The Myth: A lot of men think that if their partner "has to" use a vibrator to have an orgasm, it means they aren't a good enough lover. They think they should be able to make their partner come with just their dick and their mouth and their hands. And a lot of women think there's something wrong with them if they can't get off just with fucking and sucking.
The Truth: The reality is that a lot of women have a hard time getting off, and most women don't get off through fucking alone. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you or your partner -- it's just an accident of how female anatomy evolved.
Practical lesson: Think of a vibrator as a tool, a tool you're using to help get your partner (or yourself) off. It's kind of like using a blender for margaritas -- yes, you could pound the ice by hand all night, but isn't it faster and more fun to let the blender do it, so you can pay attention to the party? Using a vibrator doesn't make you inadequate -- just the opposite. It makes you more than adequate. It makes you a good lover, someone who knows what tools to use for the job, and who knows how to use them right.
LUBE
The Myth: This one is huge. Lots of men think that if their partner isn't wet, it means she isn't turned on. And they blame themselves -- they think it's because their foreplay isn't working, or she's distracted, or isn't really attracted to them. It's not just men -- lots of women think if they're not wet, there's something wrong with them -- that they're not really into it, even if they thought they were. So both men and women can see "needing" to use lube as a sexual failure.
The Truth: There are loads of reasons why a woman might not get wet -- reasons that have nothing to do with whether she's turned on.
* Certain common medicines that make your membranes dry -- including the membranes in your fanny. (Decongestants are one of the biggest culprits.)
* Recreational drugs, which can have the same effect -especially smoking weed.
* Medical conditions.
* Aging.
* Where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
* Just plain old everyday stress.
All of these can keep a woman from getting wet -- even if she's otherwise completely turned on and into it.
Practical lesson: Think of lube as a tool: a tool you're using to help you and your partner enjoy sex. It's like using cooking oil in your frying pan, or motor oil in your car -- it just keeps everything moving along smoothly. Using it doesn't make you or your foreplay techniques a failure. It makes you a success, someone who can successfully use the right tool to make fucking more comfortable and pleasurable for both of you. (And it's absolutely essential if you're going to explore anal sex.)
DILDOS
The Myth: If you're a guy, dildos may make you more uncomfortable than any other sex tool around. A lot of guys take dildos as a personal threat to their masculinity, an insult to their virility and capability. To put it bluntly, a lot of guys think that if they "need" to use dildos with their partner, it means they can't get it up -- or keep it up long enough.
The Truth: The reality is that dildos don't have to be a substitute for a hard dick. They can simply be an addition to it. You know how we talked about how many women have a hard time getting off, and take longer than men? The wonderful flip side is that women can often come for much longer than men, and can do it more often.
So a woman may want to keep on going long after their partner is done. And this makes a dildo a good tool -- as good as a vibrator. For women who need more time, either to reach their first orgasm or to finish their last one, a dildo can be an extremely useful supplement to regular fucking.
The other reality is that dicks sometimes don't work the way you want them to. Sometimes hard-ons do take a temporary vacation, for a few minutes or a whole evening. And it doesn't mean a damn thing about your manliness or your skill. It could mean any of the following:
* You're on medication that's affecting your erection.
* You're on recreational drugs, ditto.
* You're a cigarette smoker. (Smoking is one of the major causes of erectile dysfunction. If you want a reason to quit, that's a great one.)
* You have a medical or health condition that's affecting your hard-on.
* You're just plain old tired or stressed.
All these factors and more can keep a guy from getting it up even if he's turned on and wants to do it -- just like they can keep a woman from getting wet even if she's turned on and wants to do it.
DILDOS cont...
Now, if you invest your entire sense of sexual self-worth into your hard-on, this can be a real buzz-kill to an otherwise wonderful encounter. But if you're comfortable using a dildo, you can turn these temporary technical difficulties into opportunities for dirty dirty fun. (Do you like watching porn? Dildos can turn your bedroom into your very own porn studio -- sit back, and enjoy the show!)
And wait 'til you get to the Spontaneity module, where you'll learn about many more sexy games you can play with dildos.)
USING SEX TOYS TO MAKE YOURSELF A MORE ATTRACTIVE LOVER AND ENHANCE
YOUR SEX LIFE
I confess -- I cheated a little bit here. I snuck a lot of this lesson into the last couple of sections, and I'll be sneaking even more of it in as we go. Hell, this lesson is really what the entire workshop is all about.
But let's talk for a moment in more general terms, about how comfort and familiarity with sex toys can make you a more attractive lover -- and how it can make sex hotter and more intimate for both of you. Later on, you'll be getting some more specific practical tips on trying these principles in your own bedroom. Let's get a sense of the big picture first.
You can use sex toys to give you confidence and help you relax. Sex toys make it easier to help get your partner or yourself off... which means you don't have to have nearly the same level of performance anxiety. And confidence and relaxation are always attractive and sexy.
You can use sex toys to expand your repertoire. The more you use sex toys, the more tricks you'll have up your sleeve. You'll be turning yourself into a more creative lover... which will make you more attractive, and give both you and your partner more pleasure in bed.
USING SEX TOYS TO MAKE YOURSELF A
MORE ATTRACTIVE LOVER AND ENHANCE
YOUR SEX LIFE cont...
You can use sex toys to make yourself more flexible. Once you start using sex toys, your entire approach to sex will change. You won't just have a few new tricks up your sleeve (although that's certainly a fine thing). You'll see a whole world of sexual options open up... options much more vast than a set of possible formations for interlocking bodies.
You can use sex toys to make yourself a more caring partner. A lover who likes using sex toys with their partner is a lover who pays attention to their partner's pleasure. And that's one of the most attractive traits you can have.
You can use sex toys to just feel good. Sex toys are fun. They can do all these other wonderful things for your confidence and your skill -- but they also can just make you and your partner feel good and get off. You don't need any other reason to use them.
And you know what, guys? Sex toys aren't just about getting women off. They make sex toys for men, too. There are certainly more toys made for women -- but lots of toys are made specifically for men, and they're getting better all the time. And plenty of toys work great for both women and men.
SEX TOYS IN RELATIONSHIPS WHY COUPLES USE THEM, AND HOW THEY CAN IMPROVE BOTH THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE SEX
Once again, I'm cheating a bit here. All the stuff we just said about how to use sex toys to make yourself more attractive and skillful and have more fun in bed... all of it applies to couples in long-term relationships.
Of course it'll help all you swinging singles -- and more power to you! But there are special benefits that using sex toys together can give to couples... whether you've been together two months or twenty years.
* You can use sex toys to increase intimacy.
* Trying new things together creates a bond between you -- especially when you try new sexual things.
* If one or both of you is nervous at first, overcoming that nervousness and finding pleasure on the other side can create a very intense connection.
* Using sex toys can be a delightful naughty secret that just the two of you share -- and that's always a good time.
You can use sex toys to alleviate boredom. Even the best long-term relationships can fall into a sexual rut. Once you've learned each other's lovely sexual quirks, it's easy to just keep doing those same things. But trying sex toys together is a great way to re-capture that sense of newness you had when you were starting out.
And variations like sex toys can make the old favorites a whole lot more fun. When you have more variety, the old favorites have less of a sense of, "Same old same old," and more of a sense of, "Oh, yeah! We haven't done this for a while. This is great!"
SEX TOYS IN RELATIONSHIPS WHY COUPLES USE THEM, AND HOW THEY CAN IMPROVE BOTH THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE SEX
cont...
You can use sex toys to open other doors. Sex toys can be like a gateway drug. Once you've started experimenting with toys, you'll both be more comfortable exploring in other ways:
* acting out fantasies
* doing it in different places
* dressing up in sexy costumes or outfits
* generally trying more sexual variations
You can use sex toys to just feel good. Anything you do to make sex more of a pleasure for each other is going to make your relationship stronger and more of a pleasure for both of you. You don't need any other reason. The more you can make each other feel good, the happier you'll be together.
These are just a few reasons you might use sex toys -- whether you're a swinging single or a committed long-termer (or for that matter, a committed long-term swinger!). So now we have the all-important question -- HOW do you use sex toys?
Specifically, how do you use them together?
The next module is all about the do's and don'ts of sharing sex toys. You'll be learning:
STILL WEIRDED OUT? TRY THIS EXERCISE
If you are interested in using sex toys but there is still something that freaks you out about them, try this simple exercise.
1. Write down on a piece of paper all the things about sex toys that make you uncomfortable.
2. Now look at the things that makes you uncomfortable -- and strategize about each of them as a separate issue, instead of seeing them as all one big problem with sex toys in general. Many of the problems you might have with sex toys can be handled by something as simple as choosing the right sex toy... or changing the way you use them in your sex life.
For instance:
If your problem is that sex toys physically get in the way of sex, choose toys that are smaller and more versatile -- smaller battery-powered vibrators, for instance, instead of the bigger plug-in kind.
If your problem is that sex toys look ugly and un-sexy (and I agree, many of them do), choose higher-end sex toys that are designed to look as good as they feel.
If your problem is that you feel left out when your partner uses sex toys during sex with you, find ways to play with your partner while they are using sex toys on themselves -- or choose toys that you can use together.
If your problem with dildos is that they look too much like dicks and you do not want another dick in your bed, use dildos with a less realistic look. Get a dildo made of clear acrylic or glass; a dildo with space-age curves and fluting; a dildo that is bright green.
If your problem is that sex toys interrupt the moment and kill the mood... well, we will be talking a lot more about that later on. We have an entire module devoted to it. But for now, here is one important tip: Keep your sex toys close to your bed (or wherever you have sex), well-organized and in a place that is easy to reach, so you do not spend more than a few seconds digging one out and bringing it into bed with you.
These are obviously just a few examples. But hopefully they will give you the idea. If you can figure out what -- exactly -- is making you uneasy about sex toys, you will have an easier time finding a way around it.
HOMEWORK
CAN BE FUN!
Your homework assignment for this chapter: Start a conversation! Adult Friend Finder has a bunch of chat threads and discussion groups.
Your assignment is to get into one of them and start a conversation about sex toys -- or get into a conversation that's already happening! Ask other Friend Finder folks about their experiences with sex toys -- not just which ones they like (although that's good information, too), but why they use sex toys and what they get out of it, what it was like when they were first experimenting with them and how they feel about them now.
QUIZ FOR MODULE #1
Before you pass on to the next module, here's a quiz to tell you if you've passed this one:
1. Why do most people use sex toys and products?
a) Their sex life has reached a plateau, and they need something kinky to keep their interest alive.
b) They don't mind interruptions and sex that is not spontaneous.
c) Their sex life is probably a priority in their lives.
d) They aren't good enough lovers to get their partners off by themselves.
2. How do sex toys affect most people's sex lives?
a) Toys make you a more methodical lover, less impulsive and animalistic.
b) Toys make you a lazy lover, dependent on toys to get yourself or your partner off.
c) Toys make you more attractive by making you more creative and relaxed in bed.
d) Toys diminish your confidence about your own ability to please your partner.
3. Dildos are:
a) A substitute for a penis, for men who have trouble getting it up.
b) A tool for sexual penetration, to supplement penises and other body parts.
c) Mostly for lesbians.
d) A sign that there's something wrong with your sex life.
4. Women usually use lube because:
a) They aren't turned on, and don't really want to have sex.
b) They are turned on, but aren't getting as wet as they'd like.
c) Their partners aren't good enough lovers to make them wet.
d) All of the above.
5. Vibrators are:
a) Good for masturbation, but get in the way during lovemaking.
b) Good for women who are too tense to come the natural way
c) Good for men who aren't skilled enough to make their partners come.
d) Good for both women and men.
Answers: 1c, 2c, 3b, 4b, 5d
If you got four or more right, you're ready for the next step!
Walua - this is good for youngster kekeke
Welcome to “Setting Moods that Seduce”
This sensual workshop shows you how to create a winning and provocative attitude, plus an ambience that will have your date forgetting all her cares (and quite probably her clothes!). Introducing secrets on how to change her mind, how to present yourself as irresistible, and how to create the ultimate safe, yet sensual environment that every woman dreams about, but seldom gets to experience, this course will equip you with proven skills, routines, and techniques that will help you transform any date (even the "cold fish" variety) into a night of ecstatic sexual splendor for you and your partner.
By completing this course, you'll be able to:
Captivate ALL of her senses, making her feel safe, desirable, and care free
Remove her inhibitions by enchanting her with your seductive "safe place" and your confident, yet caring attitude
Make her feel so comfortable that taking off clothes will feel like an exciting (and wanted!) adventure, not a pressure cooker
Know with confidence the wonderful and different sensual effects of scented candles and oils
Create an environment that makes "time stand still," and your lover is the center of the universe
How course chapters are organized:
Personal anecdotes, humor, and explicit details show you precisely how your attitude and environment can be transformed to create the maximum sexual receptivity from your dates.
Creative exercises (both online and offline) help you reinforce all the sex secrets that you'll learn, plus you'll get a chance to test your new knowledge in the "real" world.
Fun experiments guide your expertise in the areas of scents, oils, food, and other provocative items of sexual stimulation
Most chapters include "secret tips" to ensure success in different dating scenarios
1:Work Your Attitude
"The secret is simply to let her know that a desirable man is already there."
span style="font-size: 18pt; letter-spacing: 2;">Introduction
Desirable partners cross your path every day, but more often than not, their defenses are firmly up. Women in particular are so accustomed to being pressured for sex that they often don’t even seriously consider most offers. Your goal is to create a space that feels safe and relaxing where they can forget the cares of the world. In the process, their defenses come down, and they can begin to perceive you as a desirable sexual being with a lot to offer. You can change all their preconceived notions about you by being “someone else” within your “love lair” – not your everyday identity at all, but the lover you’ve always dreamed of being. Your home acts as the representation of this person.
Together, you and your revamped play space can relax, enchant, and ultimately seduce the object of your desire.
A massively neglected aspect of the game of seduction is the space where the game plays out. A knock-’em-off-their-feet seduction is not dependent on “love at first sight” or even “attraction at first sight.” Quite the opposite! You can lead an attractive prospect in the direction YOU want them to go. The secret is to invest time, plan ahead, and create a seduction space (both physically and mentally), a space that is compelling, safe-feeling and FREE FROM PRESSURE. And you should start well before the lucky moment.
by Simone Harris
Biography: Simone Harris came by her sexpert status working as a writer at a multimillion-dollar sex-toy company. The target demographic? Women. Her sex advice went out to millions of women each month, and she had the good sense to do as much listening as she did talking! As a result, she has a head full of information on what women want and need when it comes to seduction. In addition to all this, Ms. Harris is a brilliant slut with more than her share of experience in all the things a date can do to scare off a potential good time.
1:Work Your Attitude
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Simone says:
I confess. I am a totally uninhibited, up-for-it-anytime-or-anywhere type of girl. When a boy rubs up against me and says just the right thing, I lose it. The primal urge to suck and fuck comes over me, and I rocket straight into nympho mode. I have spontaneously done it in trash-strewn alleys behind nightclubs, in the backs of random cars, and in the Ethernet-tangled “bedrooms” (often lacking an actual bed) of Silicon Valley programmers. I swear, I think a bare concrete vault would not faze me, once I get turned on!
In this respect, I am like a lot of you out there in cyberspace: we are horny, we are ready to go, and we do not think about things like “atmosphere” or “mood.” Sex itself puts us in the mood! Yet we all know a lot of people who do not work that way at all. Every time I talk to my girlfriends, they remind me that I am not exactly your “typical woman.” And when they tell me the stories of who they have slept with and why, I realize that some of you guys could really use a clue.
Here is a story that may interest you. Not long ago, I stopped by a guy’s house on a simple errand. Now, I was not thinking of this guy as a potential lover. He was the friend of a friend, I was there to pick up a computer part, and I had no reason to suspect that our quick meeting was about to turn into a mind-blowing sexual experience. I was not even wearing cute panties! But the scene he had prepared for me when I walked through the door was so unexpectedly relaxing, so sensuous, that I found myself unwinding, sitting down, and staying longer than I had planned to.
The lights were dim, and scented candles were flickering. He served up my favorite drink, and we chatted easily. I found myself relaxing and actually considering him as a lover. He won the game right there – by providing a welcoming, sexy, and totally low-pressure place for me to hang out and get comfortable. After about an hour, he brought out a small bowl of scented oil and suggested we give each other back massages since he was sore from snowboarding. (This is a great line, whether or not it is true!) This was the perfect excuse to dim the lights, loosen our clothes, and begin to touch each other all over… without ever having to deal with an awkward kiss or “first date moment.”
As I drove home the next morning, both sore and thrilled, I reviewed the facts. I was shocked that I had been so affected by candles and scents, as I had always viewed them as slightly cheesy props. Sure, I knew that they were popular with women, but I had never thought to ask WHY. My serene afterglow said it all, though. I had needed an external source of relaxation, because my mind just was not THERE that particular night. The preparations made by my new partner were exactly what was needed to slow me down and open up my sensuality. This guy had really made an effort to make an erotic scene for us – and it paid off for him with an unforgettable night of sex!
The lesson here is that you can greatly increase your chances of a successful seduction if you have your attitude and your play space ready to go at all times. First impressions are everything, and you never know when an eligible playmate may wander into your home. It could be someone you met on Adult FriendFinder, or it could be that cute new neighbor who needs to borrow a cup of sugar. Do not let these chances pass you by! Your surroundings (if prepared properly) can effortlessly project an impression of sexual confidence without you even having to say a word.
As a slut-turned-sensualist, I've come to ask important questions, like, if I can have wild sex in a nice, warm, soft, sensual environment, why should I settle for rutting in the middle of a slovenly mess? And I can say I won’t be hooking up any time soon with the type of guy who sorely needs to take Setting Moods that Seduce.
Lots of people (especially women!) have trouble leaving their inhibitions and anxieties behind at the door. You can HELP them do that by providing the right atmosphere.
If we analyze my “surprise date,” we can get an idea what it takes to answer the big question: how do I seduce random women who cross my path?
So there I was, a perfectly cute and eligible female who simply did not have sex on the brain at that exact moment. But that was not going to discourage my surprise Romeo! By thinking ahead and preparing a cozy “middle ground” for us to hang out in, he provided me with the physical and mental space to slow down, transition, and surrender to my erotic side.
Let us look at what he did right-
broken down into two simple categories.
1. HE WORKED HIS ATTITUDE
2. HE CREATED AN ATMOSPHERE
In the process, he changed my mind.
1:Work Your Attitude
1) WORK YOUR ATTITUDE
b>Here is the scoop: Because it is not tangible, “attitude” is not something most guys consider important -- or consider at all -- but in the secret world of girls, we are practically taking notes on it. Whether or not you realize it, intuitive types can read you like a book. The only way to keep the upper hand in this situation is to have your great attitude worked out beforehand! If you project happiness and confidence, your potential lover will see you as happy and confident. That is what they want to see, and they are just HOPING you will seize the chance to show it off so they can feel good about getting close to such a self-assured individual.
You are probably thinking: “That is great news for cheery gung-ho types, but what about those of us who are a little less sure of themselves?” The good news I have for you is that attitude is a shifting perception. You can manipulate it and adjust it. Your attitude does not control you – you control it! Let us say, for instance, that you do not feel ultra-confident about a particular dating situation. You do not actually have to bring this sentiment into the date with you! Just develop three key factors –
preparedness
pumped-up confidence (it is a muscle)
an attitude of plenty (as in “plenty of fish in the sea”)
and long before you even need them, you will have your pick of eager, available lovers when the proper time comes around.
Confidence
Bulk up ahead of time on your positive sense of sexiness. Work it in the subway, at the gas station. Then when the date arrives, simply flex.
Preparedness
Trust in the foreknowledge that sex WILL happen for you, and have your sex supplies ready.
Abundance
There is an always-replenishing supply of willing, available, horny, attractive lovers for YOU.
1:Work Your Attitude
1) WORK YOUR ATTITUDE
Confidence
span class="boxheader">EXERCISE
“Listmania”
This is a simple exercise you can do by yourself that will do wonders for your confidence. Simply get out a notepad and a pen – and then leave all negative thoughts at the door. Your goal here is to brainstorm (with NO editing) all the wonderful qualities that you have to offer to a partner. Rest assured that no one will see this sheet of paper except YOU, so it is okay to boast a little bit. Sample thoughts could begin like this:
I have been told I have a nice….
I am always willing to try….
I think my best quality is….
I feel really hot when I….
Past partners always commented favorably on my….
I put extra effort into….
Cover every aspect of your self: mental and physical, everyday and erotic. Write down parts of your body that you love, ways you act that you think are sexy, and the great qualities you have to offer to a lover. I repeat: do not delete! This list is meant to be written with an open mind and a loving heart. Keep it in a safe, private place and revisit it whenever you are feeling any doubt about what you have to offer in a relationship.
“Advanced Listmania”
So, you have completed your list of all the great things about your sexual self. While it is definitely “enough” to simply know these things about yourself, there is a lot to be said about sharing them with your potential lovers, too! That is why the advanced form of this exercise is to integrate this information into your profile. Go online and click on “My Account” and then “Basic Profile.” Make that great material work for YOU, by selling your best self on Adult FriendFinder!
1:Work Your Attitude
Simone says: Confidence
Honest Answers to the Stuff You are Thinking
YOU SAY: “I spend so much time freaking out before my date comes. I try to relax, but I keep looking in the mirror and out the window. I am just so sure she is going to hate what she sees.”
What are you really afraid your date will not like? Male or female, chances are, it is just ONE main thing, and you will feel a whole lot better if you spend even a few minutes fixing it. So take a moment to identify whatever is making you nervous, and address it straight on.
Is it your home?
Simone says: “A clean home will impress a date, but your messy place is not necessarily a deal-breaker. Can you try to make it just a little less hopeless – perhaps 10 minutes’ worth of rapid-fire cleaning? Even a small effort says a lot to a guest. Even if you can only tidy up a small area, you can nicely joke that you tried to create a ‘tranquil oasis’ in the midst of the mess.”
Tip: Method makes a line of wonderfully-scented cleaning products available in stores such as Safeway and Target. Their cucumber-scented formula makes your home smell just like a spa.
Your appearance?
Simone says: “Go ahead and look at yourself in the mirror. Chances are, you have already worried too much about what you are wearing, so do not change it anymore – just trust your wardrobe choice and focus on being comfortable in your own skin. Go ahead and use a little mouthwash, then just rely on your smile and natural charisma. That’s what people really respond to, anyway.”
Tip: Hygiene really is important to women, so pretty please with a cherry on top: take that time to shave, deodorize, trim, and floss…. you know deep-down what it takes to look your personal best, so go for it!
Your personality?
Simone says: “Hey, do not forget: this person would not even be hanging out with you if they do not like your personality! However, we all have doubts from time to time about our power to fascinate other people. Remember that the Golden Rule of Dating is “neediness = unattractive.” So no matter how much you like that special person, hold back just the tiniest bit. As unfair as it seems, people are intrigued by that tiny hint of confident, sexy restraint.”
Tip: It hass been suggested that body sprays containing pheromones can make members of the opposite sex more receptive to you. This alleged effect often happens more on the “they are finding me witty and charismatic” level than on the “they are jumping my bones” level… but it is all good, right?
TAKE IT ONLINE
“I Do not Wanna Lurk, I Just Wanna Chat on the Boards All Day”
Do not get me wrong: lurking is cool, if that is your thing. But the people I am talking to right now are the people who really WANT to chat online but do not know how to start socializing with a room full of strangers. They feel shy, they do not know what to talk about, and they are afraid of being rejected or ignored. Sound familiar?
The funny thing about feeling self-conscious is that it feels like the most OBVIOUS, GLARING FAULT IN THE WORLD but it is actually TOTALLY INVISIBLE. At any social gathering – be it an AFF chat room or a cocktail party – rest assured that fully half of the people in the room are feeling shy or self-conscious because no one is talking to them. The irony is, they should all be talking to each other! The mental trick is simply to assume an air of confidence and truly FEEL that you are good enough to speak to anyone at the gathering. (You are!) Then, throw out a topic or two. Of course, it is simple for me: all I have to do is say “I am a straight girl looking for sex” and I have all the attention I can handle! But men may have a harder time getting things started – so here are a few icebreaker ideas for you. As with all interactions, keep it easy, enjoyable, and pressure-free for the best results.
Try these icebreakers:
* Try a simple game of “Have You Ever?” with the questions getting progressively naughtier.
* Pick a popular, current movie with more than one romantic lead and ask others which is more “their style.” (Example: ask women if they prefer Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, or George Clooney in Ocean’s 11 or 12… you will definitely learn something about what kind of man they like!)
* Suggest a game of “Two Truths and a Lie” -- participants write down three facts about themselves, only two of which are true. Everyone debates, discusses, then reveals.
As for real life? If you find yourself alone at a party, just look around the room for someone else who is also at loose ends. Then, simply approach them with a sincere, “I do not know anyone at this party. Would you mind if I joined you for a moment?” ...Chances are, they will be grateful you approached them!
Preparedness
HOLD EVERYTHING! Being prepared means having your supplies ready and close at hand, and that applies equally to massage oil, safe sex supplies, and beverages. It is simply not acceptable for you to interrupt a mind-blowing make-out session just to fumble around like an idiot in the dark with your penis bobbing about! Anything that will facilitate the sensual experience should be close at hand and graceful to grab. Try under the bed or in your trusty nightstand drawer.
span class="boxheader">EXERCISE
“The Perfect Jump Shot, the Perfect Kiss”
Many professional athletes swear that “mental rehearsal” helps them achieve more when it comes to their game. If a basketball player benefits from simply standing at the free throw line, mentally visualizing his jump shot, you can benefit from visualizing an entire seduction. Try a guided re-creation of a particularly successful past conquest, or focus on the future by playing positive “mental videos” of great ways the date could end.
FYI: as much as you may think of sex as the ultimate “competitive sport,” remember that it is actually a cooperative effort, and the best outcome is when everyone wins.
Simone says: Preparedness
b>Honest Answers to the Stuff You are Thinking
YOU SAY: “It is all fine and good to tell me to trust that sex will totally happen for me – but then you turn around and tell me not to pressure anyone for sex, ever! Why do you give out these two conflicting pieces of advice?”
Simone says: Because you have to be comfortable with a certain amount of “doublethink” in your seduction technique. “Doublethink” is the term from George Orwell’s classic novel 1984 that described the capacity to simultaneously hold two opposing thoughts in your mind without suffering mental discomfort. While that is very dangerous in politics, turns out it is great for seduction! Human beings are extremely peculiar animals! If you tell them to do something, they will not. If you tell them not to do something, they will. That is why every woman I have talked to agrees: The less you ACT like you want to get laid, the better your CHANCES of getting laid! So embrace the seeming contradiction and ooze every bit of “I-do not-really-care” confidence you have got.
Abundance
HOLD EVERYTHING! A typical mistake of your average-guy-trying-to-get-it-on is to focus too intently on ONE potential partner. They may do this by idealizing that partner to the exclusion of all others, or by taking too short a view of their dating life. Life is long, and you will meet hundreds if not thousands of people in your time here on Earth. Each one is a potential sexual partner.
EXERCISE
“Creating Your Own Reality -- an Experiment”
Self-actualization experts actually suggest going beyond the “preparation” stage and urge people to actively try to create their own new reality. While this probably sounds a bit far-fetched, they insist that the changes this can bring to your life and your perspective are worthwhile. If you are lonely, they say, do not just mourn the situation: set up a space for your new partner to fill. For instance, create a side of the bed for them, complete with side table and lamp, and set a place for them at dinner. These symbolic acts of entertaining a sex partner will keep your goal foremost in your own mind. And you will be putting your intentions out there for the right people to pick up on. Take a moment to create a place in your home that symbolizes who you are trying to attract.
This sensual workshop shows you how to create a winning and provocative attitude, plus an ambience that will have your date forgetting all her cares (and quite probably her clothes!). Introducing secrets on how to change her mind, how to present yourself as irresistible, and how to create the ultimate safe, yet sensual environment that every woman dreams about, but seldom gets to experience, this course will equip you with proven skills, routines, and techniques that will help you transform any date (even the "cold fish" variety) into a night of ecstatic sexual splendor for you and your partner.
By completing this course, you'll be able to:
Captivate ALL of her senses, making her feel safe, desirable, and care free
Remove her inhibitions by enchanting her with your seductive "safe place" and your confident, yet caring attitude
Make her feel so comfortable that taking off clothes will feel like an exciting (and wanted!) adventure, not a pressure cooker
Know with confidence the wonderful and different sensual effects of scented candles and oils
Create an environment that makes "time stand still," and your lover is the center of the universe
How course chapters are organized:
Personal anecdotes, humor, and explicit details show you precisely how your attitude and environment can be transformed to create the maximum sexual receptivity from your dates.
Creative exercises (both online and offline) help you reinforce all the sex secrets that you'll learn, plus you'll get a chance to test your new knowledge in the "real" world.
Fun experiments guide your expertise in the areas of scents, oils, food, and other provocative items of sexual stimulation
Most chapters include "secret tips" to ensure success in different dating scenarios
1:Work Your Attitude
"The secret is simply to let her know that a desirable man is already there."
span style="font-size: 18pt; letter-spacing: 2;">Introduction
Desirable partners cross your path every day, but more often than not, their defenses are firmly up. Women in particular are so accustomed to being pressured for sex that they often don’t even seriously consider most offers. Your goal is to create a space that feels safe and relaxing where they can forget the cares of the world. In the process, their defenses come down, and they can begin to perceive you as a desirable sexual being with a lot to offer. You can change all their preconceived notions about you by being “someone else” within your “love lair” – not your everyday identity at all, but the lover you’ve always dreamed of being. Your home acts as the representation of this person.
Together, you and your revamped play space can relax, enchant, and ultimately seduce the object of your desire.
A massively neglected aspect of the game of seduction is the space where the game plays out. A knock-’em-off-their-feet seduction is not dependent on “love at first sight” or even “attraction at first sight.” Quite the opposite! You can lead an attractive prospect in the direction YOU want them to go. The secret is to invest time, plan ahead, and create a seduction space (both physically and mentally), a space that is compelling, safe-feeling and FREE FROM PRESSURE. And you should start well before the lucky moment.
by Simone Harris
Biography: Simone Harris came by her sexpert status working as a writer at a multimillion-dollar sex-toy company. The target demographic? Women. Her sex advice went out to millions of women each month, and she had the good sense to do as much listening as she did talking! As a result, she has a head full of information on what women want and need when it comes to seduction. In addition to all this, Ms. Harris is a brilliant slut with more than her share of experience in all the things a date can do to scare off a potential good time.
1:Work Your Attitude
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Simone says:
I confess. I am a totally uninhibited, up-for-it-anytime-or-anywhere type of girl. When a boy rubs up against me and says just the right thing, I lose it. The primal urge to suck and fuck comes over me, and I rocket straight into nympho mode. I have spontaneously done it in trash-strewn alleys behind nightclubs, in the backs of random cars, and in the Ethernet-tangled “bedrooms” (often lacking an actual bed) of Silicon Valley programmers. I swear, I think a bare concrete vault would not faze me, once I get turned on!
In this respect, I am like a lot of you out there in cyberspace: we are horny, we are ready to go, and we do not think about things like “atmosphere” or “mood.” Sex itself puts us in the mood! Yet we all know a lot of people who do not work that way at all. Every time I talk to my girlfriends, they remind me that I am not exactly your “typical woman.” And when they tell me the stories of who they have slept with and why, I realize that some of you guys could really use a clue.
Here is a story that may interest you. Not long ago, I stopped by a guy’s house on a simple errand. Now, I was not thinking of this guy as a potential lover. He was the friend of a friend, I was there to pick up a computer part, and I had no reason to suspect that our quick meeting was about to turn into a mind-blowing sexual experience. I was not even wearing cute panties! But the scene he had prepared for me when I walked through the door was so unexpectedly relaxing, so sensuous, that I found myself unwinding, sitting down, and staying longer than I had planned to.
The lights were dim, and scented candles were flickering. He served up my favorite drink, and we chatted easily. I found myself relaxing and actually considering him as a lover. He won the game right there – by providing a welcoming, sexy, and totally low-pressure place for me to hang out and get comfortable. After about an hour, he brought out a small bowl of scented oil and suggested we give each other back massages since he was sore from snowboarding. (This is a great line, whether or not it is true!) This was the perfect excuse to dim the lights, loosen our clothes, and begin to touch each other all over… without ever having to deal with an awkward kiss or “first date moment.”
As I drove home the next morning, both sore and thrilled, I reviewed the facts. I was shocked that I had been so affected by candles and scents, as I had always viewed them as slightly cheesy props. Sure, I knew that they were popular with women, but I had never thought to ask WHY. My serene afterglow said it all, though. I had needed an external source of relaxation, because my mind just was not THERE that particular night. The preparations made by my new partner were exactly what was needed to slow me down and open up my sensuality. This guy had really made an effort to make an erotic scene for us – and it paid off for him with an unforgettable night of sex!
The lesson here is that you can greatly increase your chances of a successful seduction if you have your attitude and your play space ready to go at all times. First impressions are everything, and you never know when an eligible playmate may wander into your home. It could be someone you met on Adult FriendFinder, or it could be that cute new neighbor who needs to borrow a cup of sugar. Do not let these chances pass you by! Your surroundings (if prepared properly) can effortlessly project an impression of sexual confidence without you even having to say a word.
As a slut-turned-sensualist, I've come to ask important questions, like, if I can have wild sex in a nice, warm, soft, sensual environment, why should I settle for rutting in the middle of a slovenly mess? And I can say I won’t be hooking up any time soon with the type of guy who sorely needs to take Setting Moods that Seduce.
Lots of people (especially women!) have trouble leaving their inhibitions and anxieties behind at the door. You can HELP them do that by providing the right atmosphere.
If we analyze my “surprise date,” we can get an idea what it takes to answer the big question: how do I seduce random women who cross my path?
So there I was, a perfectly cute and eligible female who simply did not have sex on the brain at that exact moment. But that was not going to discourage my surprise Romeo! By thinking ahead and preparing a cozy “middle ground” for us to hang out in, he provided me with the physical and mental space to slow down, transition, and surrender to my erotic side.
Let us look at what he did right-
broken down into two simple categories.
1. HE WORKED HIS ATTITUDE
2. HE CREATED AN ATMOSPHERE
In the process, he changed my mind.
1:Work Your Attitude
1) WORK YOUR ATTITUDE
b>Here is the scoop: Because it is not tangible, “attitude” is not something most guys consider important -- or consider at all -- but in the secret world of girls, we are practically taking notes on it. Whether or not you realize it, intuitive types can read you like a book. The only way to keep the upper hand in this situation is to have your great attitude worked out beforehand! If you project happiness and confidence, your potential lover will see you as happy and confident. That is what they want to see, and they are just HOPING you will seize the chance to show it off so they can feel good about getting close to such a self-assured individual.
You are probably thinking: “That is great news for cheery gung-ho types, but what about those of us who are a little less sure of themselves?” The good news I have for you is that attitude is a shifting perception. You can manipulate it and adjust it. Your attitude does not control you – you control it! Let us say, for instance, that you do not feel ultra-confident about a particular dating situation. You do not actually have to bring this sentiment into the date with you! Just develop three key factors –
preparedness
pumped-up confidence (it is a muscle)
an attitude of plenty (as in “plenty of fish in the sea”)
and long before you even need them, you will have your pick of eager, available lovers when the proper time comes around.
Confidence
Bulk up ahead of time on your positive sense of sexiness. Work it in the subway, at the gas station. Then when the date arrives, simply flex.
Preparedness
Trust in the foreknowledge that sex WILL happen for you, and have your sex supplies ready.
Abundance
There is an always-replenishing supply of willing, available, horny, attractive lovers for YOU.
1:Work Your Attitude
1) WORK YOUR ATTITUDE
Confidence
span class="boxheader">EXERCISE
“Listmania”
This is a simple exercise you can do by yourself that will do wonders for your confidence. Simply get out a notepad and a pen – and then leave all negative thoughts at the door. Your goal here is to brainstorm (with NO editing) all the wonderful qualities that you have to offer to a partner. Rest assured that no one will see this sheet of paper except YOU, so it is okay to boast a little bit. Sample thoughts could begin like this:
I have been told I have a nice….
I am always willing to try….
I think my best quality is….
I feel really hot when I….
Past partners always commented favorably on my….
I put extra effort into….
Cover every aspect of your self: mental and physical, everyday and erotic. Write down parts of your body that you love, ways you act that you think are sexy, and the great qualities you have to offer to a lover. I repeat: do not delete! This list is meant to be written with an open mind and a loving heart. Keep it in a safe, private place and revisit it whenever you are feeling any doubt about what you have to offer in a relationship.
“Advanced Listmania”
So, you have completed your list of all the great things about your sexual self. While it is definitely “enough” to simply know these things about yourself, there is a lot to be said about sharing them with your potential lovers, too! That is why the advanced form of this exercise is to integrate this information into your profile. Go online and click on “My Account” and then “Basic Profile.” Make that great material work for YOU, by selling your best self on Adult FriendFinder!
1:Work Your Attitude
Simone says: Confidence
Honest Answers to the Stuff You are Thinking
YOU SAY: “I spend so much time freaking out before my date comes. I try to relax, but I keep looking in the mirror and out the window. I am just so sure she is going to hate what she sees.”
What are you really afraid your date will not like? Male or female, chances are, it is just ONE main thing, and you will feel a whole lot better if you spend even a few minutes fixing it. So take a moment to identify whatever is making you nervous, and address it straight on.
Is it your home?
Simone says: “A clean home will impress a date, but your messy place is not necessarily a deal-breaker. Can you try to make it just a little less hopeless – perhaps 10 minutes’ worth of rapid-fire cleaning? Even a small effort says a lot to a guest. Even if you can only tidy up a small area, you can nicely joke that you tried to create a ‘tranquil oasis’ in the midst of the mess.”
Tip: Method makes a line of wonderfully-scented cleaning products available in stores such as Safeway and Target. Their cucumber-scented formula makes your home smell just like a spa.
Your appearance?
Simone says: “Go ahead and look at yourself in the mirror. Chances are, you have already worried too much about what you are wearing, so do not change it anymore – just trust your wardrobe choice and focus on being comfortable in your own skin. Go ahead and use a little mouthwash, then just rely on your smile and natural charisma. That’s what people really respond to, anyway.”
Tip: Hygiene really is important to women, so pretty please with a cherry on top: take that time to shave, deodorize, trim, and floss…. you know deep-down what it takes to look your personal best, so go for it!
Your personality?
Simone says: “Hey, do not forget: this person would not even be hanging out with you if they do not like your personality! However, we all have doubts from time to time about our power to fascinate other people. Remember that the Golden Rule of Dating is “neediness = unattractive.” So no matter how much you like that special person, hold back just the tiniest bit. As unfair as it seems, people are intrigued by that tiny hint of confident, sexy restraint.”
Tip: It hass been suggested that body sprays containing pheromones can make members of the opposite sex more receptive to you. This alleged effect often happens more on the “they are finding me witty and charismatic” level than on the “they are jumping my bones” level… but it is all good, right?
TAKE IT ONLINE
“I Do not Wanna Lurk, I Just Wanna Chat on the Boards All Day”
Do not get me wrong: lurking is cool, if that is your thing. But the people I am talking to right now are the people who really WANT to chat online but do not know how to start socializing with a room full of strangers. They feel shy, they do not know what to talk about, and they are afraid of being rejected or ignored. Sound familiar?
The funny thing about feeling self-conscious is that it feels like the most OBVIOUS, GLARING FAULT IN THE WORLD but it is actually TOTALLY INVISIBLE. At any social gathering – be it an AFF chat room or a cocktail party – rest assured that fully half of the people in the room are feeling shy or self-conscious because no one is talking to them. The irony is, they should all be talking to each other! The mental trick is simply to assume an air of confidence and truly FEEL that you are good enough to speak to anyone at the gathering. (You are!) Then, throw out a topic or two. Of course, it is simple for me: all I have to do is say “I am a straight girl looking for sex” and I have all the attention I can handle! But men may have a harder time getting things started – so here are a few icebreaker ideas for you. As with all interactions, keep it easy, enjoyable, and pressure-free for the best results.
Try these icebreakers:
* Try a simple game of “Have You Ever?” with the questions getting progressively naughtier.
* Pick a popular, current movie with more than one romantic lead and ask others which is more “their style.” (Example: ask women if they prefer Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, or George Clooney in Ocean’s 11 or 12… you will definitely learn something about what kind of man they like!)
* Suggest a game of “Two Truths and a Lie” -- participants write down three facts about themselves, only two of which are true. Everyone debates, discusses, then reveals.
As for real life? If you find yourself alone at a party, just look around the room for someone else who is also at loose ends. Then, simply approach them with a sincere, “I do not know anyone at this party. Would you mind if I joined you for a moment?” ...Chances are, they will be grateful you approached them!
Preparedness
HOLD EVERYTHING! Being prepared means having your supplies ready and close at hand, and that applies equally to massage oil, safe sex supplies, and beverages. It is simply not acceptable for you to interrupt a mind-blowing make-out session just to fumble around like an idiot in the dark with your penis bobbing about! Anything that will facilitate the sensual experience should be close at hand and graceful to grab. Try under the bed or in your trusty nightstand drawer.
span class="boxheader">EXERCISE
“The Perfect Jump Shot, the Perfect Kiss”
Many professional athletes swear that “mental rehearsal” helps them achieve more when it comes to their game. If a basketball player benefits from simply standing at the free throw line, mentally visualizing his jump shot, you can benefit from visualizing an entire seduction. Try a guided re-creation of a particularly successful past conquest, or focus on the future by playing positive “mental videos” of great ways the date could end.
FYI: as much as you may think of sex as the ultimate “competitive sport,” remember that it is actually a cooperative effort, and the best outcome is when everyone wins.
Simone says: Preparedness
b>Honest Answers to the Stuff You are Thinking
YOU SAY: “It is all fine and good to tell me to trust that sex will totally happen for me – but then you turn around and tell me not to pressure anyone for sex, ever! Why do you give out these two conflicting pieces of advice?”
Simone says: Because you have to be comfortable with a certain amount of “doublethink” in your seduction technique. “Doublethink” is the term from George Orwell’s classic novel 1984 that described the capacity to simultaneously hold two opposing thoughts in your mind without suffering mental discomfort. While that is very dangerous in politics, turns out it is great for seduction! Human beings are extremely peculiar animals! If you tell them to do something, they will not. If you tell them not to do something, they will. That is why every woman I have talked to agrees: The less you ACT like you want to get laid, the better your CHANCES of getting laid! So embrace the seeming contradiction and ooze every bit of “I-do not-really-care” confidence you have got.
Abundance
HOLD EVERYTHING! A typical mistake of your average-guy-trying-to-get-it-on is to focus too intently on ONE potential partner. They may do this by idealizing that partner to the exclusion of all others, or by taking too short a view of their dating life. Life is long, and you will meet hundreds if not thousands of people in your time here on Earth. Each one is a potential sexual partner.
EXERCISE
“Creating Your Own Reality -- an Experiment”
Self-actualization experts actually suggest going beyond the “preparation” stage and urge people to actively try to create their own new reality. While this probably sounds a bit far-fetched, they insist that the changes this can bring to your life and your perspective are worthwhile. If you are lonely, they say, do not just mourn the situation: set up a space for your new partner to fill. For instance, create a side of the bed for them, complete with side table and lamp, and set a place for them at dinner. These symbolic acts of entertaining a sex partner will keep your goal foremost in your own mind. And you will be putting your intentions out there for the right people to pick up on. Take a moment to create a place in your home that symbolizes who you are trying to attract.
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