Secrets of a married man

Inside the Mind of a Married Man

3 things that secretly make him tear up:
Locking eyes with you during wedding ceremonies
Having your arm fall across his chest while you sleep
Watching Ross botch his marriage proposal to Rachel

4 little ways he just told you he loves you:
Spending three hours at the mall holding all your shopping bags
Throwing an extra blanket on the bed, even though he's melting
Encouraging you to screw your diet and order dessert
Doing the dishes and not expecting you to throw him a parade

6 presents he really wants for his birthday:
His favorite picture of you (you know, the one you hate, in which your hair isn't perfectly styled) in a frame
A pair of silk boxers (just because his other pairs have holes in them doesn't mean he won't appreciate the feel of fine fabric against his skin)
Golf lessons (yes, he still needs more)
CDs to replace those garbled mixed tapes from his college collection
Anything with a remote control
Everything that has to do with the art of barbecuing (a new grill, a temperature-taking fork, even an apron that says "Kiss the Cook" -- whatever you can find)

And 5 presents he really doesn't want:
An executive desk toy (this is so his dad)
An electronic tie rack, because then he'd have to buy more ties
A fancy-schmancy shaving kit (his favorite brand of disposable razors and whatever shaving cream that's on sale at the drugstore is fine)
A phone that looks like something else (he didn't want a phone shaped like a football when Sports Illustrated was giving them away, so why would he want one now?)
A TV that isn't bigger than the one you already have

9 rituals you do that drive him crazy with desire:
Putting on your lipstick before your shirt
Licking a spoonful of ice cream clean next to the open freezer
Ironing in your push-up bra (actually, doing anything in your push-up bra)
Sitting on the couch in sweaty gym clothes while you tell him about the record time you just made on the treadmill
Rubbing lotion on the back of your calves
Bumming around in his old white T-shirt all day Saturday
Telling him you'll be home late because you're going to get a bikini wax
Holding your hair off your neck when you're hot
Checking out your derriere in a full-length mirror while standing on your tiptoes

4 things he says when he's not really listening:
"Oh, you wanted an answer? I thought that was a rhetorical question."
"Sorry, I was still thinking about what you said before."
"Hmm, well, what do you think about that?"
"What's that? I got distracted by the beauty of your moving lips."

More from Inside the Mind of a Married Man

3 things you should know about his body:
Sometimes making adjustments to the crotch area in public places is a medical necessity
Every hair that falls out of his head requires at least a 30-minute mourning period
He has fat days too

6 things he won't ever understand about you:
Why you need seven pairs of shoes for a two-day vacation
Why you like to read books that make you cry
Why you fix your hair before you go to the post office
Why you'd rather spend $300 on a purse than on a new DVD player
Why you assume he's any better with tools than you are
Why you don't think an autographed picture of Mookie Wilson belongs on the mantel next to pictures of the kids

5 things in the back of his mind this instant:
"If I work out, like, every single day, I could totally be a walk-on tryout for the Jets."
"Out of everyone in my office, I definitely have the hottest wife."
"I hope she rips off my clothes the second I walk in the door."
"I think the lady at McDonald's has a crush on me: Look at all these extra french fries!"
"Is light beer really so bad?"

4 things that went through his head when you told him you were pregnant:
"Yikes! I'm gonna pass out in the delivery room. I just know it."
"Yessss! I am going to be the greatest dad in the world!"
"Wow! It's so cool knowing that my sperm really work!"
"I just hope the kid is healthy ... and really, really good at basketball."

4 questions he will always answer no to:
"Is my family totally nuts?"
"Do you think I should get plastic surgery?"
"Should I try on a different outfit before we leave?"
"Are the worry lines around my eyes getting worse?"

4 questions he cannot answer for you (sorry!):
"Does this polish go with these shoes?"
"Should I give Raul another shot or try a different salon?"
"Is ____ more fattening than ____?"
"When will you grow up?"

And one question he'll always answer "yes" to:
"Do you think we could do it here, now?"

Things you do that totally amaze him:
You put pizza on a plate rather than eat it out of the box.
You actually bathe on weekends.
You defuse his crazy mother (and make it look easy).
You know when he needs one of your incredible neck rubs even before he does.
You always manage to order the better dish when the two of you are dining out.
You make his flu feel better with a kiss on his forehead

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