Nothing better than an old fashion shag!

I was thinking about sex recently -- as one does -- not really my own sex, but sex in general. And I was thinking that I understand why it gets boring in long-term relationships.

It’s not that your partner gets boring, or the sex itself gets boring. I think it’s because the way you VIEW the sex in your relationship gets boring. And that has everything to do with how you were taught to view sex from the very beginning.

From childhood, most of us are taught that anything to do with sex is “naughty.” It’s exciting and titillating . It’s hot. It’s forbidden. When we see or hear anything sexy, we giggle or make a face. In our society, sex is hidden behind a curtain, in the dark or in plain brown wrapping. It’s fun and appealing precisely because we’re NOT supposed to be doing it!

Every first experience you’ve had with sex -- first kiss, first shag, first time with this or that person, first time in an elevator, first time on a plane, first time in the kosher meat section of the supermarket (ok, maybe not that time, but all the other times…) it was exciting, right? It was exciting because you really weren’t supposed to be doing it.

On the other hand, sex on the third Tuesday of the fifth month of the sixth year with your spouse is BORING. Because you’re thinking, I’m SUPPOSED to be doing this. It’s no fun if I’m SUPPOSED to be doing it. There’s no risk. No frisson of excitement.

But why should there be? Why should sex have to be a thrill ride to make it appealing?
I love the feel of a hot shower. I have always loved it. I cannot think of a time (except when I’ve been ruby red with sunburn) that I have not loved a hot shower. It is a great pleasure to me. It is an essential part of my life. It feels good, and it’s never boring. It’s a nice hot shower. That’s all I want it to be. That’s all it has to be. It’s a pleasure.

But not sex. It’s not a pleasure! It’s a little bit scary, and secret and “nasty.” And it’s no wonder people are disappointed night after night. Their outlook is all wrong!

A good old squelchy shag. A warm tumble with another naked body. Even if you don’t have multiple screaming mutual orgasms, it should at a minimum still be rather nice. And never boring.

How can something pleasurable be boring? Are massages boring? Is chocolate ice cream boring? Is scratching an itch boring? Is a huge, multi-toned belch boring? Of course not! Because we enjoy most pleasures simply for what they are.

If the sex you’re having (and this assumes you ARE having it now and then), isn’t a pleasure, before you examine your partner’s shortcomings (oops, sorry about the pun) examine the inside of your head. What are your expectations in the first place?

If you still have that notion of illicit, wanton, stolen couplings with cinema-quality lighting, either you are forcing yourself into an ever-escalating search for thrills, or a flatline of disappointment.

And another thing. Don’t turn sex into something else entirely. Make sure you’re not using sex as a bargaining chip. A debt owed. A conquest. Or a temporary cure for insecurity. How can that be any fun at all?

Before you work together with your partner to make your sex life more pleasurable, make certain that’s all you want it to be. A pleasure thing.