Sunday, March 18, 2007
Mistakes of Men....in the bedroom.
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MASTURBATION: Truths, Teasers, Tips and Techniques
FEMALE MASTURBATION:
Truths, Teasers, Tips and Techniques
by Mikayla
Ladies, let me ask you a question and please, answer honestly: how many of you masturbate on a regular basis AND how many of your masturbation sessions are fulfilling? Ok, so that was technically two questions, but they do go hand in hand. The reason I ask this is, when I discuss sex and masturbation with my girlfriends, about half of them say they do not masturbate or do not enjoy it when they do. I am APPALLED at this ideal – that my hip, educated and sensuous friends do not know how to render self-pleasure!
So, if you are not masturbating – why not? Do you feel like it is “wrong” or bad? Did your parents or some other influence in your life tell you it was dirty? Or, do you have a partner now and think that it is no longer necessary? OR, do you not feel fulfilled when you masturbate – like it is a lot of work for not much of a bang? These are just a few of the reasons that I have heard from my friends, or on the discussion board, and let me tell you, these may seem like valid reasons but really they aren't.
It is clinically and medically proven that masturbation (for both men and women) is natural, healthy and very good for you mentally and physically. How so you ask? Well, when we masturbate the orgasm that comes from it releases a hormonal rush that ultimately produces a calming, stress-relieving effect. Furthermore, masturbation helps us to keep our bodies tuned – and helps us to connect with our SENSUALITY and our SEXUALITY. If we do not know how to pleasure ourselves, then we can not tell our lovers how to do so.
This article will help to dispel some common misconceptions about masturbation AND it will include helpful hints, tips and techniques for Female Masturbation. This is extremely important for EVERY woman to read, because even if you are masturbating, you may be doing it wrong (yes, I said WRONG), or may find a way to pleasure yourself better. So, get out a pad and pencil and take notes ladies, this might be the best class you will ever take!
SEXUAL SINS
Many men and women feel that masturbation is wrong because of a strict religious background and upbringing – mainly Catholicism. While I could go on and on about this subject and even include Bible passages that clearly state that admiring one’s own body and nurturing a sexual spirit is acceptable, I will not spend the much needed space here to make the argument.
The fact is, masturbation is the safest sex one can have. It is not religiously WRONG, nor is it against God. While I realize that if you have been conditioned to believe that masturbation is wrong, it might take more than my word to make you feel better about it. I encourage you to talk to your priest or religious representative. Or, if you feel unnatural about such a thing – you can read up on it online.
The basic premise of our life here on earth is to do things that make us happy and content (while being good, productive human beings) – and masturbation does indeed help us to do that. It helps us to relieve pressures, teaches us about our bodies, and prepares us for our future love life with a partner. There is nothing against God in those notions.
CAUGHT WITH YOUR HAND DOWN YOUR PANTIES
Perhaps you are one of the MILLIONS of guys or gals who have been caught in the act of masturbation. While admittedly this can be HUMILIATING – it is not your problem to deal with. Masturbation is a natural part of adolescence, and how a parent deals with this can frame that child’s sexual identity forever. While it is most definitely a shock to open the bathroom door to find your 10 year old daughter perched under the bathtub spigot, it is more important how that scenario is handled.
Many parents simply close the door and perhaps talk to their child about safe masturbation, initiating an open dialogue with their child. Others get angry, upset even disgusted. These parents are grossly misinformed on how to handle sex or masturbation. If you have had a parent react in this negative way to your masturbation, then it is possible that you have a negative perception of masturbation. If your parent told you it was “wrong” or “dirty” and something “good girls do not do” - you may have a guilt complex when it comes to masturbation. Let me assure you – this is YOUR PARENT’S FAULT – you did nothing wrong. Do not continue to punish yourself for your parent’s bad call when it comes to your sexual education.
I HAVE A MAN….
One of the most popular reasons women (and men) do not masturbate any longer is because they now have a partner and feel like solo play is no longer necessary. Now, while I realize that your masturbation time might be shortened or less frequent if you are having a healthy sex life with your partner, let me explain to you why masturbation is still essential in a happy relationship.
Contrary to what you may believe, masturbating while you are in a relationship does NOT indicate that you are unhappy or that you are sexually unfulfilled. Conversely, when you are having more sex, your hormones often kick into overdrive and you may want and need MORE sexual release. The urge to masturbate more may be the biggest sign that you are sexually fulfilled – not unfulfilled.
Not to mention, if you are comfortable with your body and pleasing yourself – you will be much more apt and able to explain to your lover how to touch and please you. Women who masturbate on a regular basis know exactly how they want to be touched – what pace, what pressure, and in what specific spots. This can change as our bodies change and we get older – so it is important for us to know what we like NOW – as opposed to what we may have liked when we were 18.
It is not uncommon for men to be uneducated about how to pleasure their women – and if the woman KNOWS how to pleasure herself, she will be comfortable explaining and helping her man. Being comfortable with sex and self pleasure can be the BIGGEST thing you can do to enhance your sex life. So ladies, even if you have a man, and a healthy sex life, do not give up on the self loving – you need it, and so does your man!
ALL FOR NAUGHT…
Finally, perhaps you are one of the women who has tried and tried to achieve climax through masturbation and you just are not able to do it. You think to yourself, “all this work and no reward, forget that!” Hey, I understand, why do something if you get no satisfaction from it. This final section will address this issue and suggest some tried and true tips and techniques that should have you shuddering with pleasure during your next masturbation session.
It is most important to remember that every woman masturbates differently. No, it is true. While we might all use our fingers or a toy of some sort, our overall approach to it is much different than the next woman’s. Therefore, these tips and techniques are designed to help you on your path to self-discovery – that is, help you discover your own road to pleasure.
Now, while all women do have different styles when it comes to masturbation – there is a common rule of thumb when it comes to self-pleasure: the clitoris is the key to orgasm. While I am sure there are a select few women who can orgasm WITHOUT clitoral stimulation, the statistics suggest that upwards of 85% of ALL women need this stimulation to orgasm. So, if you are masturbating and NOT touching your clitoris –then you might have just found your answer!
TIPS AND TECHNIQUES
While you may feel that you have learned all you need to know about masturbation – I encourage you to read on anyway – you may learn a new trick or two.
The first thing to remember when it comes to masturbation is to give yourself TIME and PRIVACY. While some women can masturbate to orgasm in a few minutes on their lunch breaks, I always recommend that masturbation become a sort of ritual – a self-pleasuring ritual.
Rule #1:
Be comfortable: I always suggest that a woman get COMPLETELY naked before she begin her masturbation session. Having your body completely accessible for play is the best way to go. Also, the act of removing all your clothing can be very arousing in and of itself.
Rule #2:
Privacy: Find a time and place when you can take as much time as you would like without interruption from children or other obligations. Make sure you are secure and private and can be naked without fear of being caught. Bathrooms and bathtubs can be the best place for masturbation – especially if you have young children.
Rule #3:
Time: Along the same lines as rule #2, having the TIME to play is instrumental to letting go of stress and achieving that zen state that you so desire. Trying to fit in masturbation between dinner and bedtime is not the best thing to do – get private, alone TIME.
Rule #4:
Ambience: Yes, it is as important to surround yourself with soothing sounds and sights as it is to be naked and comfortable. Remember, you are seducing yourself, so lighting candles, playing music and dimming the lights can do wonders for your arousal state. Or, if you get into it, an ADULT DVD might just get you hot and ready and give you some personal fantasy time.
Rule #5:
Patience: Remember, this is YOUR time, do not feel pressured to achieve orgasm in 2 minutes – play, touch, tease and tempt yourself to orgasm. Do not put any high expectations on yourself that might endanger your results. Relax!
Now, once you have achieved Rules 1-5, you can proceed to masturbating. I mentioned above that the clit is a woman’s “hot button” – and this is true – but the last thing you should do is go directly for the clit. Confused? Well, if you go right for the clit you may have an orgasm, but then all the prep-work is almost for naught.
Instead, start by pleasuring your erogenous zones. Play with your breasts, pinch your nipples, run your fingers up and down your belly and thighs. Take time to touch you as you would imagine the best lover in the world would touch you. Close your eyes, feel your body come alive with each touch. Take time getting to your vaginal area. Take the time to get aroused – you have time – use it.
When you are ready to touch your vagina, try doing something different. Pull on your vaginal lips, run your fingers up and down your slit. Feel the moistness as you become more and more aroused. Open up your labia (lips) with one hand and feel around with your other. You might want to use a finger and gently insert it into your vagina. Do what feels good to YOU. Then, when you feel aroused and ready, start to touch your clit.
SIDE BAR: Since this is an educational article, I want to take a moment and describe exactly where the clitoris is, just in case some of you who may be reading this are unfamiliar with its location. The clitoris is a small “button” that is located at the top of your vulva (top of vagina, toward the belly) that hides underneath your labia. This clitoris engorges with blood when you become aroused, and it becomes a little more noticeable at this point. All women have different clitorises. Some are large, some are small, some are prominent, some are more hidden. Whatever your clitoris is like, it is the key to your arousal.
OK, back to the article. So, when you are ready, touch your clitoris. Do not start rubbing it as hard as you can right away – delay the moment. The build-up can be almost as good as the orgasm ladies! Rub it in circles or up and down – whatever you like – then STOP and do something else. Pull your lips again, touch your breasts, finger yourself. Then, go back again with more aggression. The idea here is to seduce yourself into a frenzy.
When you feel like you are ready to finish and climax, try some of these tried and true techniques to finish:
Open your vaginal lips wide with one hand (this allows the clitoris to be more exposed and the skin around it becomes tighter) – as you hold yourself open with one hand, use the other hand to rub your clitoris directly. You may like a finger rubbing, circles or even the whole palm – do what feels good and switch it up,
OR, you can use your fingers of one hand and insert one or two into your vagina, while rubbing and caressing your clitoris. Having something to insert (toy or fingers) can really add to the stimulation (more on this soon).
OR, you can think outside the box and hold yourself open while lightly tapping or slapping your vagina and clitoris. Once engorged, the clitoris becomes extremely sensitive, so light tapping can create a tremendous build-up and release. Try it, you may like it – and then, you can share that secret with your lover!
The main commonality here is to do what you like, what feels good, and what will get you to climax the best. Not everything works for every woman, so try a bunch or a combination of techniques.
SEEING IS BELIEVING
If you are a woman who is a bit naive about masturbation and her body (or even if you are not) this next suggestion might really enlighten you on the joys and mysteries of your body. While this might seem strange at first, I assure you, it is something many, many women have done – including myself.
I suggest that after completing the rules, get yourself a mirror (preferably full length) and position it where you can get a good view of your vaginal area. Take a moment to look at the beauty and uniqueness which is your private area. Open your vaginal lips – pull them – watch them stretch. Put a finger inside and see the wetness you produce. See if you can see your clitoris. It is all a mystery of human sexuality – and it is your mystery to unfold.
Then, while you masturbate – watch yourself. See how your vagina changes, swells, gets red and engorged with blood. Watch your clitoris getting bigger – ready for climax. Watching the physiological change in your body as you pleasure yourself can be extremely enlightening as well as arousing. For many women, this can be one of the best ways to get to climax. If you have a better understanding of what your body does when it is stimulated you can appreciate the delicate balance of touch and pressure. You can even relay this to your lover – or simply enjoy the miracle of arousal.
SEX TOYS AND MORE….
While reading this article you were probably surprised that I have not mentioned much about Sex Toys yet. This is because, quite frankly, you do not need a sex toy to orgasm. With that being said, there are MANY outstanding reasons that you may want to invest in a few sex toys – for yourself, and for your lover.
As previously mentioned, clitoral stimulation is one of the best ways to achieve orgasm. Along the same lines, the best way to have a powerful orgasm (sometimes faster too) is to have INSERTION and CLITORAL STIMULATION at the same time. Women are sensitive on the inside as well as the outside – and having both areas stimulated can really add to the sensations.
While fingers can do the trick, other items such as vibrators, dildos and dongs can really add a little more punch to the party. Not only that, but vibrators, bullets and clitoral pumps can really help to produce clitoral stimulation in a manner that any woman would love.
I always suggest that a woman know how to masturbate and climax without the aid of a sex toy first before she adds a battery operated toy to her playtime. This simply allows her to become more personally acquainted to her body and pleasure zones before adding more stimulation to the mix.
However, if you are an experienced masturbator – or, if you just can't get that orgasm with fingers alone – then there are so many options for you that you will never want for anything! As I have said over and over and over again – I believe every woman should own at least 1 vibrating bullet! A bullet is the best way to give yourself clitoral stimulation during masturbation or during sex with a partner. It can be used all over your body (breasts, nipples, balls, penis) and delivers a powerful punch to your best pleasure center. A bullet is a toy that you can use quickly, or tease yourself with for a long build-up. It is small and unobtrusive for wonderful partner sex and stimulation. Every woman must have one – period.
Vibrators, especially no frills kinds like SLIMLINES, can be the next best thing to a bullet. SLIMLINES are long bullets – in essence – and can be used externally or internally. Have a vibrator gives you so many options for stimulation. Run it over your body, up your stomach, down your thighs. Place it between your vaginal lips and let the slow buzz build. Place the tip directly on your clitoris for tremendous pleasure – or, insert it and use a finger for clitoral stimulation if you need it. Vibrators are totally multi-purpose and can really add to your play time.
Dual Action Vibrators are a woman’s best friend. They have the ability to do double duty – insertion and clitoral stim at the same time! While DUALS are truly a wonder – I will again stress that you should know how to climax without the aid of toys before you invest in any type. There are so many DUALS available – waterproof, spinning, big, small – you have to find what would work well for you. Duals do all the work for you – so for quick orgasms – or multiples – a DUAL is your best bet.
If you are just looking for a little extra stimulation – a Clitoral Pump can be an excellent investment. Especially if you are finding it a little harder to climax do to some clitoral desensitization. Clitoral Pumps work by pumping up the clitoral area and helping the clit to engorge with blood. This makes the clitoris more sensitive to anything you might want to do. Some pumps even have a vibrating function – see what works best for you.
Now, all of these toys definitely have their place. If you are using a toy to help stimulate yourself, let me give you some techniques and advice. First, remember the prior rules. Always take your time, go slow, build-up to the big bang. You can use toys like bullets or vibrators to help stimulate those sensitive areas. Then, use your fingers first to get yourself aroused and use the vibe or bullet to help get you to climax. Or, use the toy to stimulate your clitoris, brining you to the brink of orgasm – then STOP – and let yourself come back down.
I also suggest, if you have a DUAL ACTION or a VIBE that you love – bring yourself to orgasm first with your fingers and then go for more orgasms with the toys! Becoming multi-orgasmic can be a great gift to you and to your lover – so masturbating with a toy for the second or third rounds can be a great way to achieve that goal!
The main thing to remember whenever you are masturbating is to go slow, enjoy the ride and always use your toys as an ENHANCEMENT, not a replacement for self-touch. Once you have learned how to successfully give yourself an orgasm time and time again you can try new things, new techniques and new toys. Your lover will be so grateful that you know how to pleasure yourself and teach him how to pleasure you back!
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT…
This article was meant to touch on many different ideals and concepts as well as to give some basic techniques for masturbation. Self-touch and pleasure is a very personal thing – if you have a way that works for you, good – GO FOR IT! However, always be open to new ideas and suggestions. If you have toys – GREAT – just remember to use your fingers for a slow build-up and then employ your toys. If you do not have toys – GET SOME! Sex toys are such an enhancement for any sex life – solo or with a partner. Do not be intimidated – find something and give yourself the gift of pleasure.
Always remember that masturbation is essential for a healthy and satisfying sex life – alone or with a partner. The better you can pleasure yourself, the easier it will be to explain to your partner how to do so. This article is meant to give you some basic truths, tips and techniques for self pleasure – if you want more information, feel free to read the suggestions on the discussion forum. Lastly, always remember that masturbation is a personal thing – do what you like and you will always come out a winner (pun intended!)
Summary : gotto ask my honey for her opinion but to me here, I must learn how to give her "one awesome orgasm" after another whenever we have the chance to meet. Beside I have my "big Blue" to keep her happy if all else failed....hehehe. Man! a handy tip...thanks honey pie!
Truths, Teasers, Tips and Techniques
by Mikayla
Ladies, let me ask you a question and please, answer honestly: how many of you masturbate on a regular basis AND how many of your masturbation sessions are fulfilling? Ok, so that was technically two questions, but they do go hand in hand. The reason I ask this is, when I discuss sex and masturbation with my girlfriends, about half of them say they do not masturbate or do not enjoy it when they do. I am APPALLED at this ideal – that my hip, educated and sensuous friends do not know how to render self-pleasure!
So, if you are not masturbating – why not? Do you feel like it is “wrong” or bad? Did your parents or some other influence in your life tell you it was dirty? Or, do you have a partner now and think that it is no longer necessary? OR, do you not feel fulfilled when you masturbate – like it is a lot of work for not much of a bang? These are just a few of the reasons that I have heard from my friends, or on the discussion board, and let me tell you, these may seem like valid reasons but really they aren't.
It is clinically and medically proven that masturbation (for both men and women) is natural, healthy and very good for you mentally and physically. How so you ask? Well, when we masturbate the orgasm that comes from it releases a hormonal rush that ultimately produces a calming, stress-relieving effect. Furthermore, masturbation helps us to keep our bodies tuned – and helps us to connect with our SENSUALITY and our SEXUALITY. If we do not know how to pleasure ourselves, then we can not tell our lovers how to do so.
This article will help to dispel some common misconceptions about masturbation AND it will include helpful hints, tips and techniques for Female Masturbation. This is extremely important for EVERY woman to read, because even if you are masturbating, you may be doing it wrong (yes, I said WRONG), or may find a way to pleasure yourself better. So, get out a pad and pencil and take notes ladies, this might be the best class you will ever take!
SEXUAL SINS
Many men and women feel that masturbation is wrong because of a strict religious background and upbringing – mainly Catholicism. While I could go on and on about this subject and even include Bible passages that clearly state that admiring one’s own body and nurturing a sexual spirit is acceptable, I will not spend the much needed space here to make the argument.
The fact is, masturbation is the safest sex one can have. It is not religiously WRONG, nor is it against God. While I realize that if you have been conditioned to believe that masturbation is wrong, it might take more than my word to make you feel better about it. I encourage you to talk to your priest or religious representative. Or, if you feel unnatural about such a thing – you can read up on it online.
The basic premise of our life here on earth is to do things that make us happy and content (while being good, productive human beings) – and masturbation does indeed help us to do that. It helps us to relieve pressures, teaches us about our bodies, and prepares us for our future love life with a partner. There is nothing against God in those notions.
CAUGHT WITH YOUR HAND DOWN YOUR PANTIES
Perhaps you are one of the MILLIONS of guys or gals who have been caught in the act of masturbation. While admittedly this can be HUMILIATING – it is not your problem to deal with. Masturbation is a natural part of adolescence, and how a parent deals with this can frame that child’s sexual identity forever. While it is most definitely a shock to open the bathroom door to find your 10 year old daughter perched under the bathtub spigot, it is more important how that scenario is handled.
Many parents simply close the door and perhaps talk to their child about safe masturbation, initiating an open dialogue with their child. Others get angry, upset even disgusted. These parents are grossly misinformed on how to handle sex or masturbation. If you have had a parent react in this negative way to your masturbation, then it is possible that you have a negative perception of masturbation. If your parent told you it was “wrong” or “dirty” and something “good girls do not do” - you may have a guilt complex when it comes to masturbation. Let me assure you – this is YOUR PARENT’S FAULT – you did nothing wrong. Do not continue to punish yourself for your parent’s bad call when it comes to your sexual education.
I HAVE A MAN….
One of the most popular reasons women (and men) do not masturbate any longer is because they now have a partner and feel like solo play is no longer necessary. Now, while I realize that your masturbation time might be shortened or less frequent if you are having a healthy sex life with your partner, let me explain to you why masturbation is still essential in a happy relationship.
Contrary to what you may believe, masturbating while you are in a relationship does NOT indicate that you are unhappy or that you are sexually unfulfilled. Conversely, when you are having more sex, your hormones often kick into overdrive and you may want and need MORE sexual release. The urge to masturbate more may be the biggest sign that you are sexually fulfilled – not unfulfilled.
Not to mention, if you are comfortable with your body and pleasing yourself – you will be much more apt and able to explain to your lover how to touch and please you. Women who masturbate on a regular basis know exactly how they want to be touched – what pace, what pressure, and in what specific spots. This can change as our bodies change and we get older – so it is important for us to know what we like NOW – as opposed to what we may have liked when we were 18.
It is not uncommon for men to be uneducated about how to pleasure their women – and if the woman KNOWS how to pleasure herself, she will be comfortable explaining and helping her man. Being comfortable with sex and self pleasure can be the BIGGEST thing you can do to enhance your sex life. So ladies, even if you have a man, and a healthy sex life, do not give up on the self loving – you need it, and so does your man!
ALL FOR NAUGHT…
Finally, perhaps you are one of the women who has tried and tried to achieve climax through masturbation and you just are not able to do it. You think to yourself, “all this work and no reward, forget that!” Hey, I understand, why do something if you get no satisfaction from it. This final section will address this issue and suggest some tried and true tips and techniques that should have you shuddering with pleasure during your next masturbation session.
It is most important to remember that every woman masturbates differently. No, it is true. While we might all use our fingers or a toy of some sort, our overall approach to it is much different than the next woman’s. Therefore, these tips and techniques are designed to help you on your path to self-discovery – that is, help you discover your own road to pleasure.
Now, while all women do have different styles when it comes to masturbation – there is a common rule of thumb when it comes to self-pleasure: the clitoris is the key to orgasm. While I am sure there are a select few women who can orgasm WITHOUT clitoral stimulation, the statistics suggest that upwards of 85% of ALL women need this stimulation to orgasm. So, if you are masturbating and NOT touching your clitoris –then you might have just found your answer!
TIPS AND TECHNIQUES
While you may feel that you have learned all you need to know about masturbation – I encourage you to read on anyway – you may learn a new trick or two.
The first thing to remember when it comes to masturbation is to give yourself TIME and PRIVACY. While some women can masturbate to orgasm in a few minutes on their lunch breaks, I always recommend that masturbation become a sort of ritual – a self-pleasuring ritual.
Rule #1:
Be comfortable: I always suggest that a woman get COMPLETELY naked before she begin her masturbation session. Having your body completely accessible for play is the best way to go. Also, the act of removing all your clothing can be very arousing in and of itself.
Rule #2:
Privacy: Find a time and place when you can take as much time as you would like without interruption from children or other obligations. Make sure you are secure and private and can be naked without fear of being caught. Bathrooms and bathtubs can be the best place for masturbation – especially if you have young children.
Rule #3:
Time: Along the same lines as rule #2, having the TIME to play is instrumental to letting go of stress and achieving that zen state that you so desire. Trying to fit in masturbation between dinner and bedtime is not the best thing to do – get private, alone TIME.
Rule #4:
Ambience: Yes, it is as important to surround yourself with soothing sounds and sights as it is to be naked and comfortable. Remember, you are seducing yourself, so lighting candles, playing music and dimming the lights can do wonders for your arousal state. Or, if you get into it, an ADULT DVD might just get you hot and ready and give you some personal fantasy time.
Rule #5:
Patience: Remember, this is YOUR time, do not feel pressured to achieve orgasm in 2 minutes – play, touch, tease and tempt yourself to orgasm. Do not put any high expectations on yourself that might endanger your results. Relax!
Now, once you have achieved Rules 1-5, you can proceed to masturbating. I mentioned above that the clit is a woman’s “hot button” – and this is true – but the last thing you should do is go directly for the clit. Confused? Well, if you go right for the clit you may have an orgasm, but then all the prep-work is almost for naught.
Instead, start by pleasuring your erogenous zones. Play with your breasts, pinch your nipples, run your fingers up and down your belly and thighs. Take time to touch you as you would imagine the best lover in the world would touch you. Close your eyes, feel your body come alive with each touch. Take time getting to your vaginal area. Take the time to get aroused – you have time – use it.
When you are ready to touch your vagina, try doing something different. Pull on your vaginal lips, run your fingers up and down your slit. Feel the moistness as you become more and more aroused. Open up your labia (lips) with one hand and feel around with your other. You might want to use a finger and gently insert it into your vagina. Do what feels good to YOU. Then, when you feel aroused and ready, start to touch your clit.
SIDE BAR: Since this is an educational article, I want to take a moment and describe exactly where the clitoris is, just in case some of you who may be reading this are unfamiliar with its location. The clitoris is a small “button” that is located at the top of your vulva (top of vagina, toward the belly) that hides underneath your labia. This clitoris engorges with blood when you become aroused, and it becomes a little more noticeable at this point. All women have different clitorises. Some are large, some are small, some are prominent, some are more hidden. Whatever your clitoris is like, it is the key to your arousal.
OK, back to the article. So, when you are ready, touch your clitoris. Do not start rubbing it as hard as you can right away – delay the moment. The build-up can be almost as good as the orgasm ladies! Rub it in circles or up and down – whatever you like – then STOP and do something else. Pull your lips again, touch your breasts, finger yourself. Then, go back again with more aggression. The idea here is to seduce yourself into a frenzy.
When you feel like you are ready to finish and climax, try some of these tried and true techniques to finish:
Open your vaginal lips wide with one hand (this allows the clitoris to be more exposed and the skin around it becomes tighter) – as you hold yourself open with one hand, use the other hand to rub your clitoris directly. You may like a finger rubbing, circles or even the whole palm – do what feels good and switch it up,
OR, you can use your fingers of one hand and insert one or two into your vagina, while rubbing and caressing your clitoris. Having something to insert (toy or fingers) can really add to the stimulation (more on this soon).
OR, you can think outside the box and hold yourself open while lightly tapping or slapping your vagina and clitoris. Once engorged, the clitoris becomes extremely sensitive, so light tapping can create a tremendous build-up and release. Try it, you may like it – and then, you can share that secret with your lover!
The main commonality here is to do what you like, what feels good, and what will get you to climax the best. Not everything works for every woman, so try a bunch or a combination of techniques.
SEEING IS BELIEVING
If you are a woman who is a bit naive about masturbation and her body (or even if you are not) this next suggestion might really enlighten you on the joys and mysteries of your body. While this might seem strange at first, I assure you, it is something many, many women have done – including myself.
I suggest that after completing the rules, get yourself a mirror (preferably full length) and position it where you can get a good view of your vaginal area. Take a moment to look at the beauty and uniqueness which is your private area. Open your vaginal lips – pull them – watch them stretch. Put a finger inside and see the wetness you produce. See if you can see your clitoris. It is all a mystery of human sexuality – and it is your mystery to unfold.
Then, while you masturbate – watch yourself. See how your vagina changes, swells, gets red and engorged with blood. Watch your clitoris getting bigger – ready for climax. Watching the physiological change in your body as you pleasure yourself can be extremely enlightening as well as arousing. For many women, this can be one of the best ways to get to climax. If you have a better understanding of what your body does when it is stimulated you can appreciate the delicate balance of touch and pressure. You can even relay this to your lover – or simply enjoy the miracle of arousal.
SEX TOYS AND MORE….
While reading this article you were probably surprised that I have not mentioned much about Sex Toys yet. This is because, quite frankly, you do not need a sex toy to orgasm. With that being said, there are MANY outstanding reasons that you may want to invest in a few sex toys – for yourself, and for your lover.
As previously mentioned, clitoral stimulation is one of the best ways to achieve orgasm. Along the same lines, the best way to have a powerful orgasm (sometimes faster too) is to have INSERTION and CLITORAL STIMULATION at the same time. Women are sensitive on the inside as well as the outside – and having both areas stimulated can really add to the sensations.
While fingers can do the trick, other items such as vibrators, dildos and dongs can really add a little more punch to the party. Not only that, but vibrators, bullets and clitoral pumps can really help to produce clitoral stimulation in a manner that any woman would love.
I always suggest that a woman know how to masturbate and climax without the aid of a sex toy first before she adds a battery operated toy to her playtime. This simply allows her to become more personally acquainted to her body and pleasure zones before adding more stimulation to the mix.
However, if you are an experienced masturbator – or, if you just can't get that orgasm with fingers alone – then there are so many options for you that you will never want for anything! As I have said over and over and over again – I believe every woman should own at least 1 vibrating bullet! A bullet is the best way to give yourself clitoral stimulation during masturbation or during sex with a partner. It can be used all over your body (breasts, nipples, balls, penis) and delivers a powerful punch to your best pleasure center. A bullet is a toy that you can use quickly, or tease yourself with for a long build-up. It is small and unobtrusive for wonderful partner sex and stimulation. Every woman must have one – period.
Vibrators, especially no frills kinds like SLIMLINES, can be the next best thing to a bullet. SLIMLINES are long bullets – in essence – and can be used externally or internally. Have a vibrator gives you so many options for stimulation. Run it over your body, up your stomach, down your thighs. Place it between your vaginal lips and let the slow buzz build. Place the tip directly on your clitoris for tremendous pleasure – or, insert it and use a finger for clitoral stimulation if you need it. Vibrators are totally multi-purpose and can really add to your play time.
Dual Action Vibrators are a woman’s best friend. They have the ability to do double duty – insertion and clitoral stim at the same time! While DUALS are truly a wonder – I will again stress that you should know how to climax without the aid of toys before you invest in any type. There are so many DUALS available – waterproof, spinning, big, small – you have to find what would work well for you. Duals do all the work for you – so for quick orgasms – or multiples – a DUAL is your best bet.
If you are just looking for a little extra stimulation – a Clitoral Pump can be an excellent investment. Especially if you are finding it a little harder to climax do to some clitoral desensitization. Clitoral Pumps work by pumping up the clitoral area and helping the clit to engorge with blood. This makes the clitoris more sensitive to anything you might want to do. Some pumps even have a vibrating function – see what works best for you.
Now, all of these toys definitely have their place. If you are using a toy to help stimulate yourself, let me give you some techniques and advice. First, remember the prior rules. Always take your time, go slow, build-up to the big bang. You can use toys like bullets or vibrators to help stimulate those sensitive areas. Then, use your fingers first to get yourself aroused and use the vibe or bullet to help get you to climax. Or, use the toy to stimulate your clitoris, brining you to the brink of orgasm – then STOP – and let yourself come back down.
I also suggest, if you have a DUAL ACTION or a VIBE that you love – bring yourself to orgasm first with your fingers and then go for more orgasms with the toys! Becoming multi-orgasmic can be a great gift to you and to your lover – so masturbating with a toy for the second or third rounds can be a great way to achieve that goal!
The main thing to remember whenever you are masturbating is to go slow, enjoy the ride and always use your toys as an ENHANCEMENT, not a replacement for self-touch. Once you have learned how to successfully give yourself an orgasm time and time again you can try new things, new techniques and new toys. Your lover will be so grateful that you know how to pleasure yourself and teach him how to pleasure you back!
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT…
This article was meant to touch on many different ideals and concepts as well as to give some basic techniques for masturbation. Self-touch and pleasure is a very personal thing – if you have a way that works for you, good – GO FOR IT! However, always be open to new ideas and suggestions. If you have toys – GREAT – just remember to use your fingers for a slow build-up and then employ your toys. If you do not have toys – GET SOME! Sex toys are such an enhancement for any sex life – solo or with a partner. Do not be intimidated – find something and give yourself the gift of pleasure.
Always remember that masturbation is essential for a healthy and satisfying sex life – alone or with a partner. The better you can pleasure yourself, the easier it will be to explain to your partner how to do so. This article is meant to give you some basic truths, tips and techniques for self pleasure – if you want more information, feel free to read the suggestions on the discussion forum. Lastly, always remember that masturbation is a personal thing – do what you like and you will always come out a winner (pun intended!)
Summary : gotto ask my honey for her opinion but to me here, I must learn how to give her "one awesome orgasm" after another whenever we have the chance to meet. Beside I have my "big Blue" to keep her happy if all else failed....hehehe. Man! a handy tip...thanks honey pie!
MISMATCHED MOTIVATIONS: what with your sex drives are on opposite ends of the spectrum?
MISMATCHED MOTIVATIONS:
What to do when your sex drives are on opposite ends of the spectrum
By Mikayla
Over my past year and some odd months posting on the TooTimid discussion forum, one question has come up over and over again: What do I do if my partner’s sex drive is not as high as mine? In fact, a similar dilemma is what brought me to the forum in the first place. Yes, it is true, my hubby and I had a period where we just were NOT connecting sexually as much as I would have liked and I was concerned. Since then, we have resolved our issues through honest discussions and some sexual techniques and are now completely on the same page.
Over the same time period, I, along with other TooTimid posters, have helped to shed some light on this subject in an effort to help those who have asked, and those who do not ask, but want to know as well. If you think that your situation is helpless, let me assure you – it isn’t! There are many approaches to tackling this issue, and it is my pleasure to sum up some of the basics in an effort to help those of you who have come to this article for help. Let my experience, along with what I have learned from others, help you get your sex life back on track!
REASONS FOR THE RUT
Before you jump to the conclusion that your lack of sexual intimacy is due to your lover’s seeming disinterest in you, take a step back and do some evaluations regarding your overall situation. It is easy for people, especially women, to automatically assume that their lovers no longer find them attractive – or – that their lover is cheating on them. This is a valid choice, and probably should cross your mind. HOWEVER, the last thing you want to do with a relationship that is on shaky ground is to unjustly accuse your lover of foul play. So, step back….think, analyze and take a cold, hard look at everything – including what you might be doing that contributes to the disinterest.
The following are some possibilities for falling into a sexual rut. Keep in mind that these situations might apply to your situation, and they might not. If you feel that one of these issues is a possibility, then ask your lover about it. Honest DISCUSSION, not CONFRONTATION, is the best way to handle things.
~Additions to the family~
One of the biggest changes in a family or relationship dynamic is the addition of a child or children. EVERYTHING changes when little ones are added into the mix. There is more stress, less sleep, more monetary responsibility, less privacy, less time and most of all – a physical and hormonal change in the woman.
When a woman has a child, her priorities change drastically – and unfortunately, sex oftentimes falls to the way, way, way bottom of the list. While this does not hold true for all new Moms – some resume sexual intimacy as a way to relax and unwind after a day with the kids – it is more frequent for new Mommies to feel a bit uninterested in sex.
If your partner has just given birth – and you have dutifully waited the 6 weeks for her to be able to have sex again – keep in mind that both of your worlds have changed. She may or may not be interested in having sex, but I guarantee, it is NOT on the forefront of her mind. Approach her delicately about it – ask her if she is ready to get intimate again. If she says “no,” then give her a little more time.
There are ways for you to help your partner get back into the swing of things. Help her with the kids, the housework, make dinner. Offer to watch the children while she bathes or takes a walk. Give her time for herself. Many women get deterred from sex after childbearing because they feel torn in too many directions – kids, work, housework, dinner, dishes – and then you want sex. They have no “me” time – and if they did, they would be more receptive to sex.
You can wait until your children are tucked in their beds and then offer her a massage – no pressure – just a wind down. Run her a bath with some KAMA SUTRA SUTRA TREASURES OF THE SEA bath salts, followed by a massage with a premium massage oil, such as KHEPRA MASSAGE OIL. The odds of her feeling more romantic after a relaxing bath and massage are much higher than if you try to attack her after she spends the day and night taking care of the kids.
Women are not the only ones who go through changes after children come into the picture. Men also have an increased stress level – perhaps a greater feeling of “providing” for the family. Men have more responsibility than they did before children, and this increases their stress level. Also, some men have issues seeing their partner as a “sexual being” after watching her give birth, or mother a child. The once sexual spots are now “baby making” organs.
IF this is the situation in your relationship, then both of you have parts to play. The woman has to ensure her partner that she is still a sexual person. That she can be MOTHER and LOVER at the same time. Initiate sex with your partner ladies, let him know that you want and desire him. Make time for him, assure him that you want him, get him looking at you in a sexual way again. Basically, seduce him ladies.
Guys, if this is you – do not worry about disgracing the mother of your children. She can be the same caliber of lover that she was before she gave birth. Do not have concerns about her vagina not being the same – the vagina is a wonderful organ – it stretches back to the before baby state – and you will never know the difference. You will not hurt your lover, and she has enough love for you and the baby.
~Body Image~
Along the same lines, a woman’s sexuality is directly tied to her self image. If she has just had a baby, or perhaps she is just getting a little older, the chance of her having a little extra something on her tummy, hips or thighs can really be a sexual downer for her. Even if you do not notice the extra 10 pounds, she DOES.
While adding extra weight does not always mean that she will become asexual – most women can not separate their body image from their sexuality. Stretch marks or C-Section scars can really weigh heavily on our minds – and we are SURE that you are totally disgusted by our new body. So, what can you do to assure your partner that she is still super sexy? TELL HER! Tell her that her extra cleavage or bigger bottom turn you on! Kiss her, caress her, romance her. If she thinks that you find her sexy, she will feel sexier as well.
Also, if she asks you to “honestly” tell her if she has gained weight – let me tell you from a woman’s point of view – do NOT answer her. This is a trap guys! If you say “yes,” then she has it in her mind that you know she is FAT; and if you say “no” she will think you are avoiding the question, and your reluctance to answer is just a cover. The best answer is, “I think you are more beautiful now than you were before (baby or aging) and I love YOU no matter what!” – or something similar.
The same solutions offered in the family addition category hold true here. Seduce her, romance her, massage her – show her you LOVE her and her body no matter what. When she sees that you are still aroused by her, then she will begin to have better self-image. Truthfully, no one can really give your partner a better self image but herself. It has to come from within, just try to encourage it.
OF course, men can have negative body images as well. Women are not the only ones who gain weight. Men also have the added curse of loosing their hair! If your man is going through a crisis of hair loss or weight gain – do the same for him as you would like done for you! Let him know how sexy you find him; assure him that you are still attracted to him. Take the initiative when it comes to sex – do not wait for him, attack him and get HIM into the mood. Soon, he will forget about the beer belly and you both will be on the road to the reconnect.
~Stress, Stress, Stress….~
Stress is the surest killer of a sexual relationship – but it doesn’t have to be. Stress can affect both partners, or only one partner, but believe you me, if it affects one partner, the other feels it too. Common stressors in a relationship are money issues, new job, school stress, adding children even pets. Sometimes people find certain things more stressful than others would.
Men are especially sensitive to stress. When a man feels that he is under pressure – he can have erectile issues. A man’s sexuality is directly tied to his self image as well – and if he feels that he is not properly providing for his family, that can affect how his erection performs.
So, how do you control something that is most likely out of your control? You use SEX as a STRESS RELIEVER! Yes, it is true, and the thinking seems a bit illogical, but sex releases hormones and chemicals that naturally relax the body. In essence, sex is a natural valium pill.
You may be asking, how do I get into sex if I feel too stressed out to do it? Simple, you put it in your mind that it will help, and you do it. Start with a nice shower together, just relaxing and basking in each other’s body and comfort. Wash each other’s hair, body and genitals. Get out and retreat to the bedroom. Light candles, play music, sit naked and just enjoy each other. When you feel relaxed – then start the intimate touching and proceed to sex. This is a whole seduction and relaxation situation.
This is exactly how my hubby and I reconnected. After starting a new, high responsibility and high stress job – he felt too wound up to have sex. When he explained that this was his problem, I knew what to do. I would pour him a drink when he got home. After dinner, and when our son was asleep, I would usher him into the shower and just give him a nice water massage. He protested at first, saying “honey, I am too stressed for sex.” I assured him that I was just relaxing him. After the shower, a nice massage and some kissing he was READY, WILLING and ABLE to perform. When finished, we cuddled and he fell asleep. He told me the next night that it was EXACTLY what he needed.
So, whether it is one or both of you who is stressed, getting together in relaxing and pseudo-sexual situations can help to reconnect you and get you back into the intimate thinking. Remember also that sometimes life will be too stressful for you to relax this way. There is no need to force it, but do not let it go too far before addressing the matter.
~Medicinal Mayhem~
It is no secret that many medications designed to treat depression and anxiety can actually KILL Libido in one, foul swoop. It is ironic that a medication meant to help a person’s overall health and well-being can actually prevent something as healthy as sex from occurring.
This has been a common denominator on the forums when women admit that their sex drives have become lower. The medications drain the sexual urge – and as a result, depression occurs on that account. Birth control pills, ironically, can also be a factor. Whenever hormones are adjusted or tampered with, the sex drive can be affected. For men, the common culprit has been blood pressure medications. These medications help to reduce blood pressure, and the pressure of the blood into the penis is what causes and erection – ergo, erections can suffer or cease on certain medications.
So, what do you do when a medication is draining your urge to have sex? TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! Oftentimes there are other options for the medication that you are on. Specifically, the psychotropic drugs can be replaced with another option. Blood pressure medications may not be as easy to switch out, but natural remedies to help with blood pressure issues can help.
So, if you have noticed a decrease in libido, don’t avoid sex, have a discussion with your lover and your doctor. Let both of them know what is going on. There are many more options now, and your sex life does not have to suffer!
~Aging~
It is a common fact that a woman’s sex drive peaks in her 30’s and 40’s, while a man peaks at around 18. This is a cruel joke of nature. While not true for all men, many men enjoy sex more and more each year, it should be considered if you are finding a mismatch in sexual urges.
Frequently as well as we age our bodies change and our attitude toward sex changes too. We become busy with kids, grand kids, retirement. Sex is no longer on the forefront of our minds. This is just not the way to be. If you still have a high sex drive, but your lover doesn’t, try to find out why.
Unfortunately, for many men, as aging begins things do not work as quickly or as well as they did in their 20’s. Erections may take longer to achieve, and not stay as hard as they once did. This can be embarrassing for the man, and cause many internal doubts in the mind of the woman. There are many medications now that can help a man along with this kind of issue. Viagra®, Cialis® are just two medications that are showing great success with erectile dysfunction.
If you prefer to take a more natural approach, there are options for both men and women. For men, PENIS PUMPS, MALE ENHANCEMENT CREAMS, OR FIRMNESS CREAMS can be extremely helpful in these situations. While these products can not help every man, they have been found to be very helpful in a majority of cases.
For women, the problem can often be a desensitization of her clitoris. This can happen for many reasons, and the cause is not exactly known. Some women find it helpful to use a CLITORAL CREAM, such as VIVA CREAM FOR WOMEN. These creams work by naturally stimulating blood flow to the clitoris, and hence increases arousal. This is sometimes a very simple answer to a common problem. OR, just using a sex toy, such as a BULLET to directly stimulate the clitoris before or during sex can really help with this type of issue.
THE UGLY TRUTH
While there are many, many reasons for a mismatched sex drive, there are other possibilities that may not be as easy to hear or to realize. Sometimes couples who have been together for a while let themselves go due to the comfortable nature of their relationships. Perhaps they have gained weight, stopped putting on make-up or getting their hair done, or even stopped caring generally about their appearance.
People become attracted to each other for a reason, and while the concept of “love knows no bounds” is a great sentiment, the truth is, if you fell in love with a 120 pound girl or guy who is now tipping the scales at 300 – there can be some understandable change in attraction. You probably still LOVE your partner, but the attraction is not there.
While I am NOT saying that only skinny people are attractive – God knows I have gained more pounds than I have lost in the last 5 years – understanding why your mate might not be as attracted to you as they were before you gained the weight is something you might have to come to terms with. Men or women who are overweight do not have to run to the stomach stapler to get thin – but what they should do is continue to have pride in their appearance. Dress well, get manicures and pedicure, keep your hair done. It is a positive SELF IMAGE that not only helps YOU but also relays a message to your partner.
This issue can really affect both partners. Believe you me, overweight people know that they are overweight – and they do not like it. They have a range of feelings that oftentimes does not include a feeling of sexiness. It is important to NOT get down on yourself when this happens. Play up the positives, remember what your partner loved about you before you gained weight, make a decision to try and get healthier – not SKINNER – but healthier.
If your partner is just not into your sexual appearance at the moment, try to change their view of you. Play up your assets, use what you have, seduce them. IF they turn you down, then either come to grips with it and try to change what you don’t like, or kick them to the curb. Putting more pressure on you will not make things better.
It is a medical fact that being overweight is mentally and physically exhausting. While conversely, exercise produces a natural high that closely resembles and aphrodisiac. Ergo, getting moving makes you horny! That is a double bonus, you are doing something great for YOU while also increasing your sexual libido. So, GET MOVING!!!
~Cheating hearts~
As I said in the beginning of this article, sometimes cheating happens and this IS the reason why your lover is straying from your bed. It is important to remember that if your lover cheats, it is NOT your fault – no matter what they tell you. It is THEIR decision to leave the relationship.
It is also important to remember NOT to accuse your lover of cheating unless you are fairly certain. Although, if you have a strong suspicion, trying to confirm is the best way to protect yourself and your health. The last thing you want is to get an STD from your cheating partner.
If you have confirmed that your partner is cheating, you have a decision to make. To stay, or to go. If you stay, the trust is most likely ruined forever and it might be hard to rebuild. Getting couple’s counseling to discern the reason for the cheating and to help the communication is the best course of action. IF you go, remember why you chose to leave the relationship and have no regrets or blame for doing so.
Cheating is not as common as most people believe. However, in today’s world many people view certain activities as cheating – such as internet relationships, viewing porn online, or just consorting with a new person in an asexual manner. It is up to each person individually to discern what they feel is a breach of their relationship.
MENDING MATTERS
This article is meant to touch on some of the most common reasons for sexual mismatch. The suggestions given her are a small sampling of things that can be done to smooth the way to a better sexual relationship. If you would like other suggestions, peruse our DISCUSSION FORUM and see what others who have been there say helped their situation.
The most important thing to remember is to DISCUSS your feelings – in a non-confrontational manner. Understand your partner and what they may be going through internally, or externally. Think about what medicines may be interfering with the natural sexual experiences you once shared. Remember that aging happens, but it is NOT the death of sex. The main point is, if you want to get back on track with your lover, you will find a way. Sometimes relationships can’t be saved, and this is unfortunate but a fact of life. Try to remember what caused you to fall in love or lust with your partner in the first place and revisit those emotions.
Summary : Guess this is a common situation with most couples esp after 7 years of marriage or more. If can last more than 10 years...then, sex in itself is not so important.
What to do when your sex drives are on opposite ends of the spectrum
By Mikayla
Over my past year and some odd months posting on the TooTimid discussion forum, one question has come up over and over again: What do I do if my partner’s sex drive is not as high as mine? In fact, a similar dilemma is what brought me to the forum in the first place. Yes, it is true, my hubby and I had a period where we just were NOT connecting sexually as much as I would have liked and I was concerned. Since then, we have resolved our issues through honest discussions and some sexual techniques and are now completely on the same page.
Over the same time period, I, along with other TooTimid posters, have helped to shed some light on this subject in an effort to help those who have asked, and those who do not ask, but want to know as well. If you think that your situation is helpless, let me assure you – it isn’t! There are many approaches to tackling this issue, and it is my pleasure to sum up some of the basics in an effort to help those of you who have come to this article for help. Let my experience, along with what I have learned from others, help you get your sex life back on track!
REASONS FOR THE RUT
Before you jump to the conclusion that your lack of sexual intimacy is due to your lover’s seeming disinterest in you, take a step back and do some evaluations regarding your overall situation. It is easy for people, especially women, to automatically assume that their lovers no longer find them attractive – or – that their lover is cheating on them. This is a valid choice, and probably should cross your mind. HOWEVER, the last thing you want to do with a relationship that is on shaky ground is to unjustly accuse your lover of foul play. So, step back….think, analyze and take a cold, hard look at everything – including what you might be doing that contributes to the disinterest.
The following are some possibilities for falling into a sexual rut. Keep in mind that these situations might apply to your situation, and they might not. If you feel that one of these issues is a possibility, then ask your lover about it. Honest DISCUSSION, not CONFRONTATION, is the best way to handle things.
~Additions to the family~
One of the biggest changes in a family or relationship dynamic is the addition of a child or children. EVERYTHING changes when little ones are added into the mix. There is more stress, less sleep, more monetary responsibility, less privacy, less time and most of all – a physical and hormonal change in the woman.
When a woman has a child, her priorities change drastically – and unfortunately, sex oftentimes falls to the way, way, way bottom of the list. While this does not hold true for all new Moms – some resume sexual intimacy as a way to relax and unwind after a day with the kids – it is more frequent for new Mommies to feel a bit uninterested in sex.
If your partner has just given birth – and you have dutifully waited the 6 weeks for her to be able to have sex again – keep in mind that both of your worlds have changed. She may or may not be interested in having sex, but I guarantee, it is NOT on the forefront of her mind. Approach her delicately about it – ask her if she is ready to get intimate again. If she says “no,” then give her a little more time.
There are ways for you to help your partner get back into the swing of things. Help her with the kids, the housework, make dinner. Offer to watch the children while she bathes or takes a walk. Give her time for herself. Many women get deterred from sex after childbearing because they feel torn in too many directions – kids, work, housework, dinner, dishes – and then you want sex. They have no “me” time – and if they did, they would be more receptive to sex.
You can wait until your children are tucked in their beds and then offer her a massage – no pressure – just a wind down. Run her a bath with some KAMA SUTRA SUTRA TREASURES OF THE SEA bath salts, followed by a massage with a premium massage oil, such as KHEPRA MASSAGE OIL. The odds of her feeling more romantic after a relaxing bath and massage are much higher than if you try to attack her after she spends the day and night taking care of the kids.
Women are not the only ones who go through changes after children come into the picture. Men also have an increased stress level – perhaps a greater feeling of “providing” for the family. Men have more responsibility than they did before children, and this increases their stress level. Also, some men have issues seeing their partner as a “sexual being” after watching her give birth, or mother a child. The once sexual spots are now “baby making” organs.
IF this is the situation in your relationship, then both of you have parts to play. The woman has to ensure her partner that she is still a sexual person. That she can be MOTHER and LOVER at the same time. Initiate sex with your partner ladies, let him know that you want and desire him. Make time for him, assure him that you want him, get him looking at you in a sexual way again. Basically, seduce him ladies.
Guys, if this is you – do not worry about disgracing the mother of your children. She can be the same caliber of lover that she was before she gave birth. Do not have concerns about her vagina not being the same – the vagina is a wonderful organ – it stretches back to the before baby state – and you will never know the difference. You will not hurt your lover, and she has enough love for you and the baby.
~Body Image~
Along the same lines, a woman’s sexuality is directly tied to her self image. If she has just had a baby, or perhaps she is just getting a little older, the chance of her having a little extra something on her tummy, hips or thighs can really be a sexual downer for her. Even if you do not notice the extra 10 pounds, she DOES.
While adding extra weight does not always mean that she will become asexual – most women can not separate their body image from their sexuality. Stretch marks or C-Section scars can really weigh heavily on our minds – and we are SURE that you are totally disgusted by our new body. So, what can you do to assure your partner that she is still super sexy? TELL HER! Tell her that her extra cleavage or bigger bottom turn you on! Kiss her, caress her, romance her. If she thinks that you find her sexy, she will feel sexier as well.
Also, if she asks you to “honestly” tell her if she has gained weight – let me tell you from a woman’s point of view – do NOT answer her. This is a trap guys! If you say “yes,” then she has it in her mind that you know she is FAT; and if you say “no” she will think you are avoiding the question, and your reluctance to answer is just a cover. The best answer is, “I think you are more beautiful now than you were before (baby or aging) and I love YOU no matter what!” – or something similar.
The same solutions offered in the family addition category hold true here. Seduce her, romance her, massage her – show her you LOVE her and her body no matter what. When she sees that you are still aroused by her, then she will begin to have better self-image. Truthfully, no one can really give your partner a better self image but herself. It has to come from within, just try to encourage it.
OF course, men can have negative body images as well. Women are not the only ones who gain weight. Men also have the added curse of loosing their hair! If your man is going through a crisis of hair loss or weight gain – do the same for him as you would like done for you! Let him know how sexy you find him; assure him that you are still attracted to him. Take the initiative when it comes to sex – do not wait for him, attack him and get HIM into the mood. Soon, he will forget about the beer belly and you both will be on the road to the reconnect.
~Stress, Stress, Stress….~
Stress is the surest killer of a sexual relationship – but it doesn’t have to be. Stress can affect both partners, or only one partner, but believe you me, if it affects one partner, the other feels it too. Common stressors in a relationship are money issues, new job, school stress, adding children even pets. Sometimes people find certain things more stressful than others would.
Men are especially sensitive to stress. When a man feels that he is under pressure – he can have erectile issues. A man’s sexuality is directly tied to his self image as well – and if he feels that he is not properly providing for his family, that can affect how his erection performs.
So, how do you control something that is most likely out of your control? You use SEX as a STRESS RELIEVER! Yes, it is true, and the thinking seems a bit illogical, but sex releases hormones and chemicals that naturally relax the body. In essence, sex is a natural valium pill.
You may be asking, how do I get into sex if I feel too stressed out to do it? Simple, you put it in your mind that it will help, and you do it. Start with a nice shower together, just relaxing and basking in each other’s body and comfort. Wash each other’s hair, body and genitals. Get out and retreat to the bedroom. Light candles, play music, sit naked and just enjoy each other. When you feel relaxed – then start the intimate touching and proceed to sex. This is a whole seduction and relaxation situation.
This is exactly how my hubby and I reconnected. After starting a new, high responsibility and high stress job – he felt too wound up to have sex. When he explained that this was his problem, I knew what to do. I would pour him a drink when he got home. After dinner, and when our son was asleep, I would usher him into the shower and just give him a nice water massage. He protested at first, saying “honey, I am too stressed for sex.” I assured him that I was just relaxing him. After the shower, a nice massage and some kissing he was READY, WILLING and ABLE to perform. When finished, we cuddled and he fell asleep. He told me the next night that it was EXACTLY what he needed.
So, whether it is one or both of you who is stressed, getting together in relaxing and pseudo-sexual situations can help to reconnect you and get you back into the intimate thinking. Remember also that sometimes life will be too stressful for you to relax this way. There is no need to force it, but do not let it go too far before addressing the matter.
~Medicinal Mayhem~
It is no secret that many medications designed to treat depression and anxiety can actually KILL Libido in one, foul swoop. It is ironic that a medication meant to help a person’s overall health and well-being can actually prevent something as healthy as sex from occurring.
This has been a common denominator on the forums when women admit that their sex drives have become lower. The medications drain the sexual urge – and as a result, depression occurs on that account. Birth control pills, ironically, can also be a factor. Whenever hormones are adjusted or tampered with, the sex drive can be affected. For men, the common culprit has been blood pressure medications. These medications help to reduce blood pressure, and the pressure of the blood into the penis is what causes and erection – ergo, erections can suffer or cease on certain medications.
So, what do you do when a medication is draining your urge to have sex? TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! Oftentimes there are other options for the medication that you are on. Specifically, the psychotropic drugs can be replaced with another option. Blood pressure medications may not be as easy to switch out, but natural remedies to help with blood pressure issues can help.
So, if you have noticed a decrease in libido, don’t avoid sex, have a discussion with your lover and your doctor. Let both of them know what is going on. There are many more options now, and your sex life does not have to suffer!
~Aging~
It is a common fact that a woman’s sex drive peaks in her 30’s and 40’s, while a man peaks at around 18. This is a cruel joke of nature. While not true for all men, many men enjoy sex more and more each year, it should be considered if you are finding a mismatch in sexual urges.
Frequently as well as we age our bodies change and our attitude toward sex changes too. We become busy with kids, grand kids, retirement. Sex is no longer on the forefront of our minds. This is just not the way to be. If you still have a high sex drive, but your lover doesn’t, try to find out why.
Unfortunately, for many men, as aging begins things do not work as quickly or as well as they did in their 20’s. Erections may take longer to achieve, and not stay as hard as they once did. This can be embarrassing for the man, and cause many internal doubts in the mind of the woman. There are many medications now that can help a man along with this kind of issue. Viagra®, Cialis® are just two medications that are showing great success with erectile dysfunction.
If you prefer to take a more natural approach, there are options for both men and women. For men, PENIS PUMPS, MALE ENHANCEMENT CREAMS, OR FIRMNESS CREAMS can be extremely helpful in these situations. While these products can not help every man, they have been found to be very helpful in a majority of cases.
For women, the problem can often be a desensitization of her clitoris. This can happen for many reasons, and the cause is not exactly known. Some women find it helpful to use a CLITORAL CREAM, such as VIVA CREAM FOR WOMEN. These creams work by naturally stimulating blood flow to the clitoris, and hence increases arousal. This is sometimes a very simple answer to a common problem. OR, just using a sex toy, such as a BULLET to directly stimulate the clitoris before or during sex can really help with this type of issue.
THE UGLY TRUTH
While there are many, many reasons for a mismatched sex drive, there are other possibilities that may not be as easy to hear or to realize. Sometimes couples who have been together for a while let themselves go due to the comfortable nature of their relationships. Perhaps they have gained weight, stopped putting on make-up or getting their hair done, or even stopped caring generally about their appearance.
People become attracted to each other for a reason, and while the concept of “love knows no bounds” is a great sentiment, the truth is, if you fell in love with a 120 pound girl or guy who is now tipping the scales at 300 – there can be some understandable change in attraction. You probably still LOVE your partner, but the attraction is not there.
While I am NOT saying that only skinny people are attractive – God knows I have gained more pounds than I have lost in the last 5 years – understanding why your mate might not be as attracted to you as they were before you gained the weight is something you might have to come to terms with. Men or women who are overweight do not have to run to the stomach stapler to get thin – but what they should do is continue to have pride in their appearance. Dress well, get manicures and pedicure, keep your hair done. It is a positive SELF IMAGE that not only helps YOU but also relays a message to your partner.
This issue can really affect both partners. Believe you me, overweight people know that they are overweight – and they do not like it. They have a range of feelings that oftentimes does not include a feeling of sexiness. It is important to NOT get down on yourself when this happens. Play up the positives, remember what your partner loved about you before you gained weight, make a decision to try and get healthier – not SKINNER – but healthier.
If your partner is just not into your sexual appearance at the moment, try to change their view of you. Play up your assets, use what you have, seduce them. IF they turn you down, then either come to grips with it and try to change what you don’t like, or kick them to the curb. Putting more pressure on you will not make things better.
It is a medical fact that being overweight is mentally and physically exhausting. While conversely, exercise produces a natural high that closely resembles and aphrodisiac. Ergo, getting moving makes you horny! That is a double bonus, you are doing something great for YOU while also increasing your sexual libido. So, GET MOVING!!!
~Cheating hearts~
As I said in the beginning of this article, sometimes cheating happens and this IS the reason why your lover is straying from your bed. It is important to remember that if your lover cheats, it is NOT your fault – no matter what they tell you. It is THEIR decision to leave the relationship.
It is also important to remember NOT to accuse your lover of cheating unless you are fairly certain. Although, if you have a strong suspicion, trying to confirm is the best way to protect yourself and your health. The last thing you want is to get an STD from your cheating partner.
If you have confirmed that your partner is cheating, you have a decision to make. To stay, or to go. If you stay, the trust is most likely ruined forever and it might be hard to rebuild. Getting couple’s counseling to discern the reason for the cheating and to help the communication is the best course of action. IF you go, remember why you chose to leave the relationship and have no regrets or blame for doing so.
Cheating is not as common as most people believe. However, in today’s world many people view certain activities as cheating – such as internet relationships, viewing porn online, or just consorting with a new person in an asexual manner. It is up to each person individually to discern what they feel is a breach of their relationship.
MENDING MATTERS
This article is meant to touch on some of the most common reasons for sexual mismatch. The suggestions given her are a small sampling of things that can be done to smooth the way to a better sexual relationship. If you would like other suggestions, peruse our DISCUSSION FORUM and see what others who have been there say helped their situation.
The most important thing to remember is to DISCUSS your feelings – in a non-confrontational manner. Understand your partner and what they may be going through internally, or externally. Think about what medicines may be interfering with the natural sexual experiences you once shared. Remember that aging happens, but it is NOT the death of sex. The main point is, if you want to get back on track with your lover, you will find a way. Sometimes relationships can’t be saved, and this is unfortunate but a fact of life. Try to remember what caused you to fall in love or lust with your partner in the first place and revisit those emotions.
Summary : Guess this is a common situation with most couples esp after 7 years of marriage or more. If can last more than 10 years...then, sex in itself is not so important.
Boy....thanks to my honey!
Yes! thanks to my honey...I managed to get into my blog after a couple of months.
Been trying to log-in...but without any luck.
Yes! things are hopeful better this year as compared to last year. So far...for luck
that is not happening yet. Kena whacked....during the last 3 week for stock market.
Well...now I am mostly out of it. Waiting for a bigger fall before I get in again.
Btw...Good luck for all and be happy too.
Been trying to log-in...but without any luck.
Yes! things are hopeful better this year as compared to last year. So far...for luck
that is not happening yet. Kena whacked....during the last 3 week for stock market.
Well...now I am mostly out of it. Waiting for a bigger fall before I get in again.
Btw...Good luck for all and be happy too.
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