Shit....it still keep me from sleeping soundly especially when I have to get up to pee, I have problem getting back to sleep again becoz all these thoughts keep flooding back to me. I am very tired now but luckily tonight is my last night of work for this workweek. Thank God.
The whole situation had already happened....me, already being "dumped" ( gotto make it clear here, sorry. I didn't let you go but it was you who dumped me suddenly )....whatever lies said has been said....my regrets? I will have to deal with them slowly at my own time and pace. This bring me close to the end of the drama for my part but it is still the early start for yours.
Now.....it is your turn to do what you must do according what you wrote below. I shall be there to remind you of your commitments whether you like it or not.....what is soulmate for, right? hahaha.
Sandra's commitments
1) that was why now, the best solution is to have a clean break with him. the child will never know who his real father is, M&M will not know that is their half brother. i will have to concentrate on re building my family.
2) letting go is difficult, painful, torment, torture, but if i have to, i have to. if he has to let go, he has to let go, that was why he was prepared to let go and juz leave.
3) mess was created, mess can be cleared. let the adults, mainly me, keep the suffering, pain and regret forever in my heart and i'll carry it to my grave.
that's all i want to say. ( well said, Sandra .....let me remind you this ......"saying all these is the easy part but doing all these, Sandra! knowing you well....will take total focus and change in your mindset" That is also why.....I shall act as ur father figure to push you towards this goal for the sake of M & M, himer2, Mr Tan and finally for yourself and your own redemption for all the "screw-ups" you managed to bring to your own life and those of all your loved ones ) Agree?
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Friday, March 03, 2006
No matter how I look at it....it is not right!
Just not right....how things turn out to be here.
Still can't understand why we adults practice double, triple or more standard when we are dealing with kids ( children under the age of 20 ) when we ourselves cannot practice what we always preach. How can we still be consider ourselves to be an adult? Don't we better to know what we can and cannot do, there must be a limit....a red line drawn clearly that we must not cross no matter what happen. Or else how are we to set example to our kids.....We must know our "LIMITS" becoz we cannot depend on our parents to guide/stop us as we are answerable for what we do not just to ourselves but to our kids, spouse, family, relatives, friends and those who see us as ADULTs or role models. We are also "as parents", for goodness sake. If you cannot understand this, then it is better you stay at home to become a simple housewife. Remember...this is what you always threaten me with whenever I question you on somethings that I find strange. You would said that "do you want me to be a simple faithful housewife to Mr Tan?" On hind sight....you should do that and things will not be so chaos as now.
True.....everyone love SEX, that included myself....yes, I fuck around and yes, I too screw-up once and I paid the price for it. I was truly sadden to see how my girlfriend suffered by having to accompany her to the abortion clinic and sat with her thru-out the procedure. She even vomitted into my hand and my shirt.....I felt so sicken that I wished I was the one who was laying on that bed instead of her. So sad to see her going thru it....since it was in the 3rd month it has to be done with two visits to the clinic. 1st time to do the injection then the next day the actual procedure.
Till today....I am watching over her as a good friend and will do everything I can if she ever need my help. I am not proud of having done what I did....but I have learned my lesson. Yes! she too wanted to keep the baby but I reasoned that out with her and pointed out to her....that whatever we did, we must not impacted on those innocent ones around namely the baby then our family and her case...her parents. How to tell the baby ( from the scan - a boy ) that he was due to an affair when he asks where and who is his father in future? She agreed....now she is happily engaged to be married soon and having a good job, no one else know about this. Even this.....I dare not said it was due to "true love", yes I still love her but a different kind of way. I won't let everyone bully her that is for sure.
It is the same how I felt for you Sandra....that is why all these "out-bursts/the so called noises" from me but I also know my limit. In my heart, I just don't wish to see any harm befallen on you or the kids even when I know they are not mine. That is why....I can't sleep just keep thinking what is happening to you, how in the future can you say to M & M that himer2 is only your half brother. And how to explain to himer2 that his father is not his real father.
Frankly you really need a strong hand to guide you. An older guy who know better and really have your interest at heart....for you behaved worst than those 16 yrs old students in your school. Have you ever think of this? You lack a father figure in your life.....period!
Still can't understand why we adults practice double, triple or more standard when we are dealing with kids ( children under the age of 20 ) when we ourselves cannot practice what we always preach. How can we still be consider ourselves to be an adult? Don't we better to know what we can and cannot do, there must be a limit....a red line drawn clearly that we must not cross no matter what happen. Or else how are we to set example to our kids.....We must know our "LIMITS" becoz we cannot depend on our parents to guide/stop us as we are answerable for what we do not just to ourselves but to our kids, spouse, family, relatives, friends and those who see us as ADULTs or role models. We are also "as parents", for goodness sake. If you cannot understand this, then it is better you stay at home to become a simple housewife. Remember...this is what you always threaten me with whenever I question you on somethings that I find strange. You would said that "do you want me to be a simple faithful housewife to Mr Tan?" On hind sight....you should do that and things will not be so chaos as now.
True.....everyone love SEX, that included myself....yes, I fuck around and yes, I too screw-up once and I paid the price for it. I was truly sadden to see how my girlfriend suffered by having to accompany her to the abortion clinic and sat with her thru-out the procedure. She even vomitted into my hand and my shirt.....I felt so sicken that I wished I was the one who was laying on that bed instead of her. So sad to see her going thru it....since it was in the 3rd month it has to be done with two visits to the clinic. 1st time to do the injection then the next day the actual procedure.
Till today....I am watching over her as a good friend and will do everything I can if she ever need my help. I am not proud of having done what I did....but I have learned my lesson. Yes! she too wanted to keep the baby but I reasoned that out with her and pointed out to her....that whatever we did, we must not impacted on those innocent ones around namely the baby then our family and her case...her parents. How to tell the baby ( from the scan - a boy ) that he was due to an affair when he asks where and who is his father in future? She agreed....now she is happily engaged to be married soon and having a good job, no one else know about this. Even this.....I dare not said it was due to "true love", yes I still love her but a different kind of way. I won't let everyone bully her that is for sure.
It is the same how I felt for you Sandra....that is why all these "out-bursts/the so called noises" from me but I also know my limit. In my heart, I just don't wish to see any harm befallen on you or the kids even when I know they are not mine. That is why....I can't sleep just keep thinking what is happening to you, how in the future can you say to M & M that himer2 is only your half brother. And how to explain to himer2 that his father is not his real father.
Frankly you really need a strong hand to guide you. An older guy who know better and really have your interest at heart....for you behaved worst than those 16 yrs old students in your school. Have you ever think of this? You lack a father figure in your life.....period!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Man...what a joke?
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, March 3:
You find yourself right in the thick of it all, riding high among key movers and shakers. While you're enjoying all the commotion, make sure you don't neglect the smaller yet crucial details of life.
Conclusion : what a joke? I don't want this....I would rather not get work-up with all these commotion which has no good ending for anyone but just open "old wounds" for me. To recall that I has been "lied to" all along for so long, always telling me it was the hubby, yes which one? #1 - Mr Tan or #3 - the rifle range's man maybe he should be #2 and me #3 hehehe ( man! you got too many hubbies for your own good and no wonder to you, all are just consider as "hubby". Forgot to mention the Old hubby - ur aunt's husband...did you called him one when you were screwing him too. If so....then all the numbers must change again. Man! this is getting too confusing if you add the "ang mo" man, etc, etc )...to me is not the right thing to do to a friend who has all along have your welfare at heart. Maybe you are right....I was too much in denial state to accept the fact, just show how much I treasured your present.
The only trouble here is.... you treated me differently after the first few months. Fair....since it is over, maybe you can please tell me what have I done wrong in the relationship, when was that, and why was I being dumped? Just want to know the reality of the situation so that I too can change to be a better person. I have no wish to see you suffer so I expect you to feel the same for me too....only fair, don't you agree?
for Friday, March 3:
You find yourself right in the thick of it all, riding high among key movers and shakers. While you're enjoying all the commotion, make sure you don't neglect the smaller yet crucial details of life.
Conclusion : what a joke? I don't want this....I would rather not get work-up with all these commotion which has no good ending for anyone but just open "old wounds" for me. To recall that I has been "lied to" all along for so long, always telling me it was the hubby, yes which one? #1 - Mr Tan or #3 - the rifle range's man maybe he should be #2 and me #3 hehehe ( man! you got too many hubbies for your own good and no wonder to you, all are just consider as "hubby". Forgot to mention the Old hubby - ur aunt's husband...did you called him one when you were screwing him too. If so....then all the numbers must change again. Man! this is getting too confusing if you add the "ang mo" man, etc, etc )...to me is not the right thing to do to a friend who has all along have your welfare at heart. Maybe you are right....I was too much in denial state to accept the fact, just show how much I treasured your present.
The only trouble here is.... you treated me differently after the first few months. Fair....since it is over, maybe you can please tell me what have I done wrong in the relationship, when was that, and why was I being dumped? Just want to know the reality of the situation so that I too can change to be a better person. I have no wish to see you suffer so I expect you to feel the same for me too....only fair, don't you agree?
woman....a source of all troubles and headache
What to say....a woman can be a source of all troubles and headaches if she turns 'bad' but then again without them, life too has no meaning unless the guy is gay. Like the movie Brokeback Mountain then with or without women make no different. Those gay need each other..since they are gay.
Too bad,....I am a guy so I need my woman not just for sexual releases but to relate to, to share the good & bad, to taste the fruit of my labour not matter big & small, to do things together..plus whatever else that one can think of.... from time to time.
But they too can turn out to be the one to drive a man "mad", to do things no other sane person will do eg. like take up drinking and smoking, give up living their normal life, going around sowing their wild oats, visiting the nightclub or the pros, to have mistress, and to the most extreme of cases....to kill others then himself ( look at the newspaper....lately so many cases. Now I can understand why they do what they did eg. like the Indian man who nearly chopped off his bitch wife's head at her workplace at Gul Way, or the Bukit Merah's case where the skinny hubby killed his Indonesian wife before her rich boyfriend can come to help her, etc etc and in all these cases, the killers did not try to run away after doing "in" their wives even when they knew that they can be "hang" for the offence. Other cases....the toyboy is done "in" too or at least....got their head or bones "broken". Let's this be a lesson to all in future, think if it is worth all the troubles and headaches before getting involved with a woman esp a married one.
Too bad,....I am a guy so I need my woman not just for sexual releases but to relate to, to share the good & bad, to taste the fruit of my labour not matter big & small, to do things together..plus whatever else that one can think of.... from time to time.
But they too can turn out to be the one to drive a man "mad", to do things no other sane person will do eg. like take up drinking and smoking, give up living their normal life, going around sowing their wild oats, visiting the nightclub or the pros, to have mistress, and to the most extreme of cases....to kill others then himself ( look at the newspaper....lately so many cases. Now I can understand why they do what they did eg. like the Indian man who nearly chopped off his bitch wife's head at her workplace at Gul Way, or the Bukit Merah's case where the skinny hubby killed his Indonesian wife before her rich boyfriend can come to help her, etc etc and in all these cases, the killers did not try to run away after doing "in" their wives even when they knew that they can be "hang" for the offence. Other cases....the toyboy is done "in" too or at least....got their head or bones "broken". Let's this be a lesson to all in future, think if it is worth all the troubles and headaches before getting involved with a woman esp a married one.
Closure of a chapter in my life.
Guess the time has come for me to close this sad and wild chapter in my life .....as this has impacted my life and my outlook about people that I placed a premium on. Too late for regrets....anyway I have no regret from it becoz I learned lot of things from it, but still I must consider myself to be lucky to face up to some of the things that had happened. I have not lost my mind at the end of this experience, shit just my fucking pride!. So much bitter-sweet....after taste, like eating a bar of dark bitter chocolate.
Sweet.....becoz I first thought I have found my soulmate, the one I can relate the most to and also the one I am waiting for....to fulfill all my sexual fantasy with. I am willing to give up an arm or a leg for such a wonderful person that I have met thru the net....just appear like a dream, out of the blue. Man! how I believe that God must to answering to my prayers that he is now pampering me....to send such a lovely person to brighten up my "boring standard" life. Yes! I too have my fair share of "scoring"....but this one to me is totally different. A soulmate......so powerfully sexy though not the youngest or the prettiest, so smart, so enlightening, so outgoing, so sexually challenging, so different to those I have known before and that she really "blow" my mind off with all her qualities and not to mention my other head too.
Bitter......becoz of the above mentioned qualities that exceeded my wildest expectation which on my part, made me think that she was heaven sent. Then slowly after the first few months of pure honeymoon, I started to notice things were not going the way I first thought it should go.
Excuse after excuse then the more I pamper her.....the more the situation goes out of control. By then.....I had made up my mind not to think too much about the situation and to give more spaces for her to do her things and to live her life. But at the same time I was blaming myself for all the "failures in the relationship" and that maybe my lifestyle was out of fashion....I tried changing myself both in fashion ( dressing ) and outlook ( more outward looking to stay in tune with the times hehehe ). I tried to go way out of the way to meet her expectation....to help whenever she needs me and even offering my help when she doesn't need me. To try to bride her for her favour so that she can give me whatever "little" time she wants to. Even to the extent to buy her favour whenever possible.....but I don't regret paying for it. I fully understand the meaning of "no money no honey" which accidentally was in my classified ad in yahoo.com.sg. ( Am willing to pay for any sexual favour ...................... remember? that was when she wrote to me asking why should I pay for it when both parties are willing to enjoy from doing it ). The rest is history!
Now.....since I know the reason why I was dumped, I can only wish she "well" and that she will stay "strong" for whatever nightmares that she is going to face up to. Frankly I don't hold any grudges towards her and her toyboy ( fuck! what a joke? Whenver I think of this incident, my blood boils and my blood pressure shoot up my head...fuck I get a headache and mental torture from it hehehe but on the surface, act like a cool cat....player! Yes I am also a player and player must not get too emotion when things go wrong. Just packed up and move on to other flowers. This world is full of them....right? ) since he has said he is going to foot for all her hospital bills.....she is to me still a heaven sent. Sad that things turn-out this way for her and..... for me.
Sweet.....becoz I first thought I have found my soulmate, the one I can relate the most to and also the one I am waiting for....to fulfill all my sexual fantasy with. I am willing to give up an arm or a leg for such a wonderful person that I have met thru the net....just appear like a dream, out of the blue. Man! how I believe that God must to answering to my prayers that he is now pampering me....to send such a lovely person to brighten up my "boring standard" life. Yes! I too have my fair share of "scoring"....but this one to me is totally different. A soulmate......so powerfully sexy though not the youngest or the prettiest, so smart, so enlightening, so outgoing, so sexually challenging, so different to those I have known before and that she really "blow" my mind off with all her qualities and not to mention my other head too.
Bitter......becoz of the above mentioned qualities that exceeded my wildest expectation which on my part, made me think that she was heaven sent. Then slowly after the first few months of pure honeymoon, I started to notice things were not going the way I first thought it should go.
Excuse after excuse then the more I pamper her.....the more the situation goes out of control. By then.....I had made up my mind not to think too much about the situation and to give more spaces for her to do her things and to live her life. But at the same time I was blaming myself for all the "failures in the relationship" and that maybe my lifestyle was out of fashion....I tried changing myself both in fashion ( dressing ) and outlook ( more outward looking to stay in tune with the times hehehe ). I tried to go way out of the way to meet her expectation....to help whenever she needs me and even offering my help when she doesn't need me. To try to bride her for her favour so that she can give me whatever "little" time she wants to. Even to the extent to buy her favour whenever possible.....but I don't regret paying for it. I fully understand the meaning of "no money no honey" which accidentally was in my classified ad in yahoo.com.sg. ( Am willing to pay for any sexual favour ...................... remember? that was when she wrote to me asking why should I pay for it when both parties are willing to enjoy from doing it ). The rest is history!
Now.....since I know the reason why I was dumped, I can only wish she "well" and that she will stay "strong" for whatever nightmares that she is going to face up to. Frankly I don't hold any grudges towards her and her toyboy ( fuck! what a joke? Whenver I think of this incident, my blood boils and my blood pressure shoot up my head...fuck I get a headache and mental torture from it hehehe but on the surface, act like a cool cat....player! Yes I am also a player and player must not get too emotion when things go wrong. Just packed up and move on to other flowers. This world is full of them....right? ) since he has said he is going to foot for all her hospital bills.....she is to me still a heaven sent. Sad that things turn-out this way for her and..... for me.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
A Sad Day for me to know the truth.
Yes! I am so so so sad....that my soulmate is going thru hell for her foolish actions.
"True Love" sounds very hollow when the person who claim he/she is seeking "true love" may not fully understand that this to most young men just mean they "love" to have sex....esp "free sex & with someone's wife - since they can move on if something "screw-up" eg ... getting pregnant since someone else will take care of his off-spring while he goes around sowing his wild oats" and that is why they don't even bother to wear a condom when they screw becoz when things go wrong....they will leave, period!
Worst if they don't leave, you better wise up to this fact asap. If you don't believe what I said here...then test him, ask him to pay for the hospital bills for the whole affair. When he knows that he has to pay $$$$. He will likely to totally disappeared from your sight and immediately stop all his "sweet nothing" and to have anything to do with you also he will stop accepting your sms, email & calls. In other words....you are "dumped", pronto!
Especially when you are to him just one more "scoring" for his profile/experience/boasting to his friends....but this is just the start of your nightmare and the beginning of "hell" for your children. You better hope that he does not has any pic/video of his "screwing" you in his hp or your life will be worst than "hell" soon. If he is a student...or ex-student or new teacher, you should noticed "gossips or weird looks" by now in your school. Remember the Tammy Chua & Susan Tan - NYP sex video stories?
Soon....you shall be in the news too from the way you lived your life. Remember this, "never screw around in the place where you earn your living" ....you are playing with fire! by doing this.
This show that he is too childlish ( by the way, he must be either a student, ex-student or a new teacher - I did noticed your "sudden" interest in your school activities last year, hope you didn't do your scoring in the class or during your field trip esp camping trip anyway it doesn't surprise me if you have done that since I know you "well" ) or that he has not "wake-up" to the facts about what is happening or the troubles he is "in" now or that...he is totally not bother to what happen to you as he just act "blur" & just ask you to take "good care of his baby" as seen in your blog's tag-box ....this is the worst type. The "bo-chap & bo-kan" type.
If you choose him.....your children will be the "ones" who will suffer more in future becoz he is likely not able to even support himself "fully" at the moment or anytime soon, he may turn abusive when he feels "blocked or box-in" if you are to live with him in the future. The children will be the first to be abused esp M & M since they are not his, then M & M will hate you till the end of their lifes becoz of your actions or blindness. Pls read the abused cases in the newspapers...how similar to this situation, agree? How the mother's new toyboy abused the children when he has to stay to help out on looking after them.
Please wake up....see what happen to your mom's situation and your mom's situation is much better than yours now at least she is not caught having other guy's baby and you still have trouble with her. Do you want your children to act like you? By the way, have you made up with your mom? Go and make your peace with her.....for goodness sake!
You still have the power to change some of things you have done since you have a strong earning power....so be strong since you must "pay" the price for the path you have already taken but remember that don't ever make your children pay for your mistakes again.
You can still count on me.....to be there for you. As I am not any fair-weather friend/soulmate since now you have come "clean" with me on this whole situation. I forgive you, and I can only hope for your sake that Mr Tan can do the same too.
"True Love" sounds very hollow when the person who claim he/she is seeking "true love" may not fully understand that this to most young men just mean they "love" to have sex....esp "free sex & with someone's wife - since they can move on if something "screw-up" eg ... getting pregnant since someone else will take care of his off-spring while he goes around sowing his wild oats" and that is why they don't even bother to wear a condom when they screw becoz when things go wrong....they will leave, period!
Worst if they don't leave, you better wise up to this fact asap. If you don't believe what I said here...then test him, ask him to pay for the hospital bills for the whole affair. When he knows that he has to pay $$$$. He will likely to totally disappeared from your sight and immediately stop all his "sweet nothing" and to have anything to do with you also he will stop accepting your sms, email & calls. In other words....you are "dumped", pronto!
Especially when you are to him just one more "scoring" for his profile/experience/boasting to his friends....but this is just the start of your nightmare and the beginning of "hell" for your children. You better hope that he does not has any pic/video of his "screwing" you in his hp or your life will be worst than "hell" soon. If he is a student...or ex-student or new teacher, you should noticed "gossips or weird looks" by now in your school. Remember the Tammy Chua & Susan Tan - NYP sex video stories?
Soon....you shall be in the news too from the way you lived your life. Remember this, "never screw around in the place where you earn your living" ....you are playing with fire! by doing this.
This show that he is too childlish ( by the way, he must be either a student, ex-student or a new teacher - I did noticed your "sudden" interest in your school activities last year, hope you didn't do your scoring in the class or during your field trip esp camping trip anyway it doesn't surprise me if you have done that since I know you "well" ) or that he has not "wake-up" to the facts about what is happening or the troubles he is "in" now or that...he is totally not bother to what happen to you as he just act "blur" & just ask you to take "good care of his baby" as seen in your blog's tag-box ....this is the worst type. The "bo-chap & bo-kan" type.
If you choose him.....your children will be the "ones" who will suffer more in future becoz he is likely not able to even support himself "fully" at the moment or anytime soon, he may turn abusive when he feels "blocked or box-in" if you are to live with him in the future. The children will be the first to be abused esp M & M since they are not his, then M & M will hate you till the end of their lifes becoz of your actions or blindness. Pls read the abused cases in the newspapers...how similar to this situation, agree? How the mother's new toyboy abused the children when he has to stay to help out on looking after them.
Please wake up....see what happen to your mom's situation and your mom's situation is much better than yours now at least she is not caught having other guy's baby and you still have trouble with her. Do you want your children to act like you? By the way, have you made up with your mom? Go and make your peace with her.....for goodness sake!
You still have the power to change some of things you have done since you have a strong earning power....so be strong since you must "pay" the price for the path you have already taken but remember that don't ever make your children pay for your mistakes again.
You can still count on me.....to be there for you. As I am not any fair-weather friend/soulmate since now you have come "clean" with me on this whole situation. I forgive you, and I can only hope for your sake that Mr Tan can do the same too.
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