Problem of being a "Step" parents

WICKED stepmothers, lecherous stepfathers and selfish stepsiblings. From fairy tales to movies and real-life criminal cases, step families are often associated with turmoil and pain.
This perception was reinforced when toddler Nonoi was found dead and her stepfather was charged with her murder. But, as we all know, not all stepfathers are like that. There are many loving step-parents who care for their stepchildren as if they were their own. But because of the complex nature of stepfamilies, some need help in making their home happy.
With the number of remarriages in Singapore shooting up, the Asian Women's Welfare Association (Awwa)designed a programme four years ago to counsel stepfamilies. According to figures obtained from the Singapore Department of Statistics, remarriages between 1983 and2003 for men have more than doubled and almost quadrupled for women.
In its booklet for stepfamilies published last August, Awwa said the challenges they face are many, especially in disciplining the spouse's children from a previous marriage, money matters and agreeing on what a marriage should be.
As it's still something of a taboo topic, stepfamilies we spoke to did not want their reals names used. Madam Rita, 42, got along well with her stepchildren, aged 11 and 7, at first. But they became rebellious when she married their father. The kids live with them. Said Madam Rita, who works in data entry: "I don'twant the myth of what a stepmother is to come true -abusive and wicked.
"DAD DISCIPLINES And so she leaves it to her husband, a security guard, to discipline them. The couple also have an 18-month-old girl. Madam Rita said one issue that is always a source of quarrels with her husband is the disciplining of his children. She wants them to study hard. But she said her husband takes a more relaxed approach and does not force them to study. She spends time giving them tuition in English and maths, and hopes this will help improve their relationship.
The two children are still close to their biological mother, who, Madam Rita said, bad-mouths her.
"They think mum is always right," she said. "It's painful because I try so hard to be a good stepmother.
"She said the family is now seeking help from the As-Salaam PPIS Family Support Centre, which runs are marriages and stepfamilies programme targeting Malay-Muslims.
Since the programme was introduced, 100 couples have gone for it. Madam Anna, 26, earns $500 a month and married her current husband more than a year ago. This is her second marriage and she has known him for seven years. Madam Anna said she divorced her first husband three years ago after having four children with him - two boys and two girls, aged 5 to 10. Her current husband, Adam, 29, works with her. He too earns $500 a month and does odd jobs for extra cash. He said Madam Anna's ex-husband initially had custodyof their 7-year-old daughter, Rosnah, and had wantedto leave her in a children's home. But after discussing the matter with his wife, Mr Adam decided to take the girl in. Madam Anna was eventually given custody of Rosnah. She said her husband gets along with his stepkids. "There haven't been many problems (adjusting to him). He treats them like his own children. But more importantly, they see the difference between their stepfather and their real father. "She claims her ex-husband was violent and used to hit their children. But it isn't all rosy at home now. Madam Anna said Rosnah has disciplinary problems, often refusing to listen to their instructions. Said Madam Anna: "She has the most problems adjusting. She will listen to him (Adam) one moment, then go back to her naughty ways the next.
"Mr Adam added that being a stepfather is not easy at first. He said: "When I got married, it took me some time to adjust to everything. For the first six months, it did strike me that I'm not their real father and that did bother me a bit. "But he said it became easier over time. Also he knew his wife and her children earlier, and he had the opportunity to get close to the kids. He said his four stepchildren have accepted him as his father.He said: "It is hard. But my stepchildren are like my children now."